#1
oh,
it sounded a little like rain,
as your heart boiled over
and
dripped on that old tin roof,
all the love.
that you never got to use.

which leads me to my next question,
where'd you get those wings?

you're hovering high overhead.
what do you have to be afraid of?


the wind whispers through the window.
a song from long ago.
the same song it sings everywhere,
everywhere.

well, you are just the song i've been trying to write
for such a long time now!
but i swear i've sang* this one before.
somehow,
you've managed to turn three words
into the biggest lie i've ever heard.

the moon shines from behind the clouds
and it brings me hope
somehow
such a cold,
cold night
and there's no end in sight.

why do they have to make clocks tick so loudly?


and every word she says
echoes in my head.
like a train horn in the night.
a long, cold, desperate cry!

you're speechless,
i just refuse to speak.




c4c haha.


pretty much on the spot.
first thing ive been able to write in a while so yeah.
any help at all would be nice.
thanks! =]


-tony


*would it be correct as 'sang' or 'sung'??
Last edited by TonyRandall at Aug 4, 2009,
#2
Quote by TonyRandall
oh,
it sounded a little like
rain,
as your heart boiled over
and
dripped on that old tin roof,
love.
that you never got to
use.

Well this first segment is really great for the style this song is but the way you structured it just made me go insane lol. Just rework that a little bit.

which leads me to my next question,

where'd you get those wings?

This seemed a bit awkard for me as I asked myself how this would adapt into the song without seeming forced. I see how it fits into the story obviously the "wings" part but I would just play around with it and reword it. For example : There hangs but a question in the air, why do I feel the beating of wings when you are near? I dunno anything that isn't so blunt as just asking a question because compared to the first part it seemed weak.

the wind whispers through the
window.
a song from long ago.
the same song it sings
everywhere,
everywhere.

The wind whispers is kind of cliche'd and again, your first part was so orginal that any weaker spots in the lyrics just seem stale to me. Example of how you could change that : The breath of the skies leak through the window. As long as you keep the original concept you can play with the words to create deeper lyrics to read into that just sound more thought out. The next line " a song from long ago" is OK... and the rest I would keep although the flow wasn't the best after the third line.

you are just the song i've been trying to write
for such a long time now!
but i swear i've sang* this one before.

This is the weakest spot in the lyrics. I don't like it at all to put it simply. I would totally rework this part. I see what you are saying but it's so blunt. Where is the elegance of the first part? No doubt I can see that you can write but you do get lazy and this was a result of that.

the moon shines from behind
the clouds
and it brings me hope
somehow
such a cold,
cold night
and there's no end in sight.

Ok this part is at the same level of quality as the first part. I wouldn't change it too much but you might as well play around with it anyway. I liked it alot. Sweet and simple.

and every word she says
echoes in my head.
like a trainhorn in the night.
a long, cold, desperate cry!

Beautiful. Really liked this ending as I can see the emotions peak and finally drop off with the last line which is how you would want to end a song like that.



Overall I enjoyed it to a degreee. It needs a fair amount of work but has the potential to be alot more than what it is now ( which is already pretty decent ) Please send me a revised version as I would be very interested in seeing what you've done with it after this critique. 7.75/10 for now. Thanks for the critique, I wasn't expecting such positive feedback as I have never written simple lyrics like those before and it was really just an amatuer attempt at the stlye lol. Again thank you and good luck with this piece. ( NOTE: you may want to elaborate on the story element in what the significance of the wings are as the song is titled wings haha.
#3
haha, thanks.
i will work on it.


i basically just called it wings cause i couldnt think of anything else.
it was about 1:30 am when i wrote this last night...
hah.


thanks! =]
#4
Quote by TonyRandall
oh,
it sounded a little like rain,
as your heart boiled over
and
dripped on that old tin roof,
all the love.
that you never got to use.

That random "and" line broken in there kinda threw me off

Quote by TonyRandall
the wind whispers through the window.
a song from long ago.
the same song it sings everywhere,
everywhere.

That first line made me throw up a bit in my mouth


Quote by TonyRandall
well, you are just the song i've been trying to write
for such a long time now!
but i swear i've sang* this one before.
somehow,
you've managed to turn three words
into the biggest lie i've ever heard.

I believe "sung" would be appropriate.
Also those last two lines stink of cliché

Quote by TonyRandall
the moon shines from behind the clouds
and it brings me hope
somehow
such a cold,
cold night
and there's no end in sight.

This is also a bit unoriginal

Despite my probably apparent meanness here, I actually really liked reading this. Good work
#5
oh,
it sounded a little like rain,
as your heart boiled over
and
dripped on that old tin roof,
I like this part
all the love.
that you never got to use.
I can't help but think there's a more clever way of saying this.
Not horrible, but it doesn't stir my mind.


which leads me to my next question,
where'd you get those wings?
Okay, so now we're into the cheesy part
Angel metaphors.
As cheese goes, this isn't the worst I've ever seen,
but in general, it's just not my thing, ya know?


you're hovering high overhead.
what do you have to be afraid of?
More cheese and a rhetorical question.
I'm liking this even less.



the wind whispers through the window.
a little cliche, but the sonics help.
it's worth it.

a song from long ago.
the same song it sings everywhere,
everywhere.

well, you are just the song i've been trying to write
for such a long time now!
but i swear i've sang* this one before.
I sang or I (ha)ve sung. Either works.
somehow,
you've managed to turn three words
into the biggest lie i've ever heard.

the moon shines from behind the clouds
and it brings me hope
somehow
such a cold,
cold night
and there's no end in sight.

why do they have to make clocks tick so loudly?
this line comes out of nowhere
and you abandon the thought rather quickly.


and every word she says
echoes in my head.
like a train horn in the night.
a long, cold, desperate cry!
I liked this up until the last line.
train horns don't cry, they moan.
the last line is to late to change the subject.


you're speechless,
i just refuse to speak.

I dunno what happened here
It's like you gave up and tossed half an idea up that you thought would be clever.
but no effort into setting it up, just BAM, here it is.

In the end, I like this a helluva lot better than I thought I would with all that angel shit. At least they didn't "all live happily ever after". I didn't care all that much for this one, but it seems like you're on the cusp of being capable of writing a solid love song. That's more than I can say for myself.


Oh btw ... TAG ... you're it!
Meadows
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#6
thanks!

actually.
its not a love song.
it was pretty much a latenight attempt to be as random as possible, yet still maintain some sort of structure...
i'll work on it.
thanks for the honesty, i really appreciate it.
#8
This was actually much better than I expected it would be. Although, the first stanza is really the only one that I liked a lot. The others were just okay.

You did a good job evoking emotions and painting a pretty picture, but even I can't deny that this piece is absolutely filled with cliches. You just do a nice job saying them.

Crit foh crit in my sig. Do Stars, if you could, please.