#1
maybe on my way to somewhere new.

A Train On The Tracks pt. 1
quiet eyed and not hurried to sleep
he ducks out of the diner light and and finds himself looking
at a girl who misses her mother's stomach, standing underneath neon lights so far from it

and pulled by the chin he tilts his head and shuffles his feet over the asphault
enters the wake of the crowd, as the last of it leaves her alone
and lonely for someone sweet with the smell of coffee

she drags on a cigarette
then takes it back in again
as she shortens her breath

jukebox pre-bop drags from back across the street
just behind the beat
the apollo theater 1933
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
Last edited by jiminizzle at Aug 3, 2009,
#2
I'm a sucker for any title with pt. x in it.

quiet eyed and not hurried to sleep
he ducks out of the diner light and and finds himself looking
at a girl who misses her mother's stomach standing underneath neon lights so far from it


The way you rhyme "stomach" with "from it" is well crafted, though I think you should have had a line break after the former. I mean, it would look off being four lines where the others are three, but people might understand the flow of it better.

and pulled by the chin he tilts his head and shuffles his feet over the asphault
enters the wake of the crowd as the last of it leaves her alone
and lonely for someone sweet with the smell of coffee


Blergh. Hate everything about the flow here. There just doesn't seem to be one, frankly. Also, the idea is rather vague here. I can get the impression of it, but overall, it's just rather...decent.

she drags on a cigarette
then takes it back in again
as she shortens her breath


Better flow, but nothing special here.

jukebox pre-bop drags from back across the street
just behind the beat
the apollo theater 1933


Lots of rhyming here, but it works in the context. Best stanza of the piece.

As you can guess, I am a bit conflicted by the piece. It's obvious that you use language well, but I didn't get any lasting value out of this. It was just nice to read.

If you do C4C, I've got pieces in my link, preferably Stars.
Last edited by punkforlife93 at Aug 4, 2009,
#3
This just seemed over-played to me. Like fixating on something completely and utterly mundane; and then not even sensationalizing it at all. There was nothing here that grabbed my attention and you didn't really even carry much of a tone through it. There wasn't enouhg mystique or mystery to play on that front.

This just begs to be given a new face... something stronger with more content and a different tone. Whatever it is, I can tell its something that matters to you... but you didn't convey that OR make it matter to me.

if you could, "quite suddenly" in the sig.
#4
I agree with Zach on the point about it feeling mundane. It conjured up some images for me, but I didn't really get that involved like I normally would with some things I've read from you. I think it just needs some depth behind the nice setting and cool feeling of the scene.
#5
I'm a sucker for any title with pt. x in it.

then this series is gonna blow your mind
...
not really


thank you, gents
Point taken. Not enough stemming from this. Too long to say too little, perhaps? I kind of look at this as an opening, but as such I gave it too much credit I think. Thank you kindly.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#6
I have to add, in addition to all the crits above, the genius of the line "he ducks out of the diner light and and finds himself looking at a girl who misses her mother's stomach". The rest of the poem didn't hit me as much, but I see lots of potential in developing on the image created by that line.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#7
"at a girl who misses her mother's stomach, standing underneath neon lights so far from it/
and pulled by the chin he tilts his head and shuffles his feet over the asphault"


These lines were gorgeous in every sense that gorgeous should not be. The rest, as said, lacked luridness and spike.
I'm going to read the next part now though.