#1
I wrote this a while ago, but I just joined UG. Parts of it are kind of cliche, I have to admit.

Falling apart
Broken heart
Just a start
Not a fine art
We stand together
Birds of a feather
Tough as leather
Not a fine art

The only thing
That’s holding me
Together is the strings
But the strings
They’re fraying
And I
I’m praying
That they’ll stay together
‘Til the end

I think
I can make it through
I’m only hoping
That you can, too
Just like
A rainy day
The waterworks
Aren’t here to stay

The only thing
That’s holding me
Together is the strings
But the strings
They’re fraying
And I
I’m praying
That they’ll stay together
‘Til the end

Falling apart
From a broken heart
But I
Can make it through
It’s just a start
Not a fine art
The waterworks
Will stop soon

The only thing
That’s holding me
Together is the strings
But the strings
They’re fraying
And I
I’m praying
That they’ll stay together
‘Til the end
#2
Quote by randomness379
Falling apart
Broken heart
Just a start
Not a fine art
We stand together
Birds of a feather
Tough as leather
Not a fine art
-----honestly, i really didnt like this... the rhyming was just, bad. youve got good ideas, expand the lines a little... i'd personally get rid of the last line altogether...
try adding on to the lines a little, not just making them so short...
maybe "we're falling apart"
then think of something clever to add to 'broken heart' to make it more interesting.

the birds of a feather line... confused me.
i get what youre saying,
just not a very good way to say it.


The only thing
That’s holding me
Together ARE the strings
But the strings
They’re fraying
And I
I’m praying
That they’ll stay together
‘Til the end
--------same here. i felt like there wasnt much thought put into any of this chorus... again, youve got decent ideas here, just going about saying them all wrong...

like... what strings are we talking about here?
this is just a little vague.


I think
I can make it through
I’m only hoping
That you can, too
Just like
A rainy day
The waterworks
Aren’t here to stay
------- youve got a half way decent metaphor at the end, which IMHO, is pretty much the only decent thing about this as it is right now... sorry. dont mean to be so blunt. i just feel like it could have been written much better.

the first four lines of this are better, i guess.
after taking a second read of the stanza...


expand on the metaphor too. make it more interesting. =]


The only thing
That’s holding me
Together is the strings
But the strings
They’re fraying
And I
I’m praying
That they’ll stay together
‘Til the end

Falling apart
From a broken heart
But I
Can make it through
It’s just a start
Not a fine art
The waterworks
Will stop soon
---------- you already used 'waterworks' and personally,
i feel like that word is just a terrible word for crying.

also,

how can you fall apart from a broken heart?

i dont really get this at all... =/

The only thing
That’s holding me
Together is the strings
But the strings
They’re fraying
And I
I’m praying
That they’ll stay together
‘Til the end

sorry for being so harsh man.
i feel like this could be decent with a little work.
but as of now, i really dont feel this at all.


give it another shot.
i'll be glad to take a look at it when you have. =]


oh, and TAG!

you're it.
click on the link above,
it will take you to a group called
"S&L Pay-It-Forward Critiques"

you will find instructions there,
about how you are asked to critique someone's lyrics.


it's a way to get more people active on giving whole-hearted and honest critiques.
and also, to give people more of them, hopefully.


thanks!
Last edited by TonyRandall at Aug 5, 2009,