#1

In my mind I drew
sharp, unloving, crude
lines to your silhouette
in a masterful duet
of an artist’s heart and pen,
carved deep in the lioness’ den,
as your fur shimmers bright
in the light of my wit’s end.

Who’s the hunter,
Who’s the prey?
You may lay in my lines,
but I am yours to slay.



This is not a pipe
#2
My problem with this falls from the almost lackadaisical entrance of the lion ordeal. For it to be the whole metaphor and "meat" of the piece... it just felt like the intro did no justice to it. I like that it was understated a bit, just felt it had too many lines before it and didn't get set into the piece soon enough to make as much of an impact.

Beyond that, I felt that the second stanza held everything the piece meant to say, and the first was just "setup fluff." Obviously, there has to be setup for a payoff line... I understand that, but the first stanza read like fluff... not the way you normally work the setup into being devastating and sharp on its own. IMO, in the first stanza, you were trying to cut into my heart with cotton balls as a weapon... and you needed razors. You needed to etch more into me to make the pay off of the "turnaround" at the end really matter. This just seemed "too short," in the sense that there wasn't enough character developed to make it matter. It reminds me of that piece you did about the hospital and the coffee room... where it just came off as underplayed. I know that you write everything with a purpose, and I'm not questioning that this is how you meant it to sound, I'm just trying to say that the way it came out to me seemed off and not "thorough."



If you could, quite suddenly in my sig could use some lovin'
#3
To me, this felt like you were holding back. It felt like you had something to say, something really powerful and important, but you're teasing the reader, holding back. Like a mother tip-toeing around a delicate subject. The second stanza, while a cliche, should be powerful, if the intro worked towards, instead of against, it. There is a lot of fancy wordplay, sonics, rhyming and alliteration, but there isn't much substance to the first stanza. I don't know if any of this is helpful, but I just want to end by saying this:

#4
i think there should be another stanza before the "who's the hunter, who is the pray" bit.
It will help with the development of the idea and allow you to describe exactly what you "drew" in your mind. Once you have established the two roles (hunter and pray) a bit more you can end with that last stanza.