#1


Sweet as could be
And so simply crazy
She got on fine
With her blonde hair and green eyes


That was a while ago
But a time she still knows
And now it's hard to see
With a mask that's thickening


But her face tells a story,
and her wrists are a map
to a place she remembers,
Always coming back

And though she goes there often;
it's never enough
too ease her pain,
or hide her disgust


Sad as can be
And so simply drowning
Keeps on trying
With her black hair
and dark mind

Yeah and this is the present day
But she's so far away
You can still see,
though her mask is thickening


But her face tells a story
and her wrists are a map
to a place she remembers
Always coming back

Though she goes there often
it's never enough
to ease her pain or her disgust


And though she wants to
Escaping; she can't do
It haunts her in her dreams
she wakes up screaming

Oh Her face tells a story
and her wrists are a map
to a place she remembers
Always coming back

Though she goes there often
it's never enough
to ease her pain
or hide her disgust..

yeah it's always coming back
#2
I enjoyed this a lot because I could definitely see a song in these lyrics. I think what kept this song going was the flow of it. Only a few parts did it slip up but for the most part, my eyes glided down the page seamlessly. There were a lot of lines that struck a chord with me as well. For example, I thought that your chorus was extremely well-crafted. The "her face is a story" and "her wrists are a map" lines connected beautifully, in my opinion.

I would suggest a few things and that is to watch out for overused lines that are arguably cliche. For example, the "drowning" and "thickening mask" references, if not incorpoarted within a well-designed image or metaphor, can be considered cliche by themselves.

Another thing that I would consider revising is this line: "Escaping; she can't do". For me at least, it kind of tripped up the flow since it's worded awkwardly. Maybe you could say: "And though she wants to / escaping just won't do" or something like that?

Other than that, I thought that this was very well-written. Good job!
here, My Dear, here it is
#3
exactly what i was going to say!


But her face tells a story,
and her wrists are a map
to a place she remembers,
Always coming back

that was great.
i'm very impressed.


the only thing i would change would be "Escaping; she can't do"
as said above...
it kinda ruined the flow of the rest of the lyrics.
consider the change suggested above,


take a look at my latest?
"wings."
theres a link in my sig.


thanks!
=]


keep up the good work!
#5
I enjoyed this.
I felt is was a bit wordy, though. Yet at the same time if felt too short. Could have used more flow, but overall a good read.
#6
Thank you guys for the critiques. I was thinking that myself about the escaping part. This was like my second song so there's always room for improvement