#1
just a little love song i wrote. trying to put music to it now.i know the ending sucks but i don't know how else to end it or what vibe i want to end it with. so, eh.

Like the first snow
Locked in the clouds
While you wonder
If it will ever fall down


You wipe the coffee table clean
For the seventh time today
He’ll be here soon
Everything has to be
Perfect

Its that time of year again
When you think of things in the hopeful way
You get up early
Feed the dogs
No pills, no therapy
Just human life the way it was meant to be

You dust the bible off
Read a verse or two
He’ll be here soon
Your soul and brain will be
Perfect

It’s that time of year again
When you put your knife away
You get up early
Burn off the snow from the porch
And pray pray pray
No pills, no therapy
Just human life the way it was meant to be

You blow the candles out
Kiss him on the cheek
His mouth, his heart, his hands
Will always be
Perfect
#2
It's nice and cute for sure. I like the "It's that time of year again" sections, they flow very nicely. I'm not so big on the use of the word perfect though, mostly because while reading I'm trying to envision it in my head as a song, and I can't hear a good way to sing it. Maybe you have a better idea than I do. The ending is kind of disappointing, but I can see it fitting in with the rest of it. It gives off a pretty innocent vibe, so I can't get all that upset about it not being overly full of emotion or raw anger. It works for what it is, a love song, no more no less.

If you feel like it, I'd appreciate someone checking out my song, which I posted yesterday.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1175088
#3
Just thought you might like to know, I'm watching the Home Movies pilot right now.

Other than that, I can't think of anything to say right now.
I'll edit in once I find something out
#4
it is honestly the best show I have ever seen. every time i rewatch an episode i get all fuzzy and nostalgic. i cried when i watched the last episode on youtube. and i havent cried from a tv show since the last episode of Boy Meets World. and thats saying something.

Will definitely get to yours Alex.
#5
it was cute and nice and will make a decent song.

That's really all its got going for it. On a sheer, "words on a page" level... there wasn't much content, not much build up... a decent but fairly flat tone and really not much punch. It was a clip of a story, but it wasn't interesting. It didn't draw me in, I didn't care to read on. I know you were writing for song... I understand that, that doesn't mean you need to sacrifice the content of your piece, which is ultimately what defines "dylan" as a writer. It's not your technique or your ability to throw in things from workshops... its the fact that you have a very interesting point of view. Other writers such as Carmel and Kent and others... the way they write is the trademark (carmel's tone, Kent's ability to lead you down a page, etc...) but for you its all about content.

You sacrificed content and tonality and delivery for song and flow. I wanted substance. In the end, this was cutesy... but I didn't give two ****s about it; which means the song will probably be fun, but not effect me at all in anyway. In the end, this was fairly forgettable.

I say that with all the love I can.

Quite suddenly in sig, bitch. I want opinions, it means a lot to me.
#6
I like the song, but I must agree I'm not sure I like the whole "Perfect" thing. It seems rather out of place and I'm not sure how you'd manage to incorporate that into the song. Keep working at the ending, its definitely lacking because the rest of your song was very nice.
2nd Bass
#7
"It's the most wonderful time of the year..."

This will definitely work with a song. Like some have been saying, it doesn't have a huge amount of "punch," but it's definitely something that brightened my day. And there's really nothing wrong with it. The only criticism I could give is that more could be right - you know, in relation to its content.

But it was a fun read, I suppose.

Eh, pretty easy to relate with as well.

I've got Stars in my sig, and it's new, but not getting much overall. Crit?