#1
Suck it Kid Cudi


She sings "It's okay"
It's the first time he's heard those words
Their hair dances together in the breeze
as he stares through the air into her teary eyes
and who could call out such a beautiful lie

Holding the key to her heart in his hands
he lays the gun slowly down on the table
"One last night, one last fight"
he says over and over in his head.
"Giving you up won't be so bad"
he says out loud
as he turns his back to her
and forces his feet to the ground
so far away from her


*ps. I actually love the song, believe it or not*
#2
i liked it alot.
the briefness was great.
but i think it would be great if you could expand it a little bit.


i have no suggestions, really, for any changes.

i really like the line: "and who could call out such a beautiful lie"
great!


mind takeing a look at my latest? if you have time

"wings"
there's a link in my sig.
#3
Quote by greyeyedfire
Suck it Kid Cudi


She sings "It's okay"
It's the first time he's heard those words
Really? the very first time he's heard "It's okay"? Maybe it's the first time he's heard those words from her? I don't know, just struck me as being a careless statement.
Their hair dances together in the breeze
as he stares through the air into her teary eyes
and who could call out such a beautiful lie

Holding the key to her heart in his hands
he lays the gun slowly down on the table
"One last night, one last fight"
he says over and over in his head.
"Giving you up won't be so bad"
he says out loud
as he turns his back to her
and forces his feet to the ground
so far away from her


*ps. I actually love the song, believe it or not*


eh...
Pros: The last five lines were of a better quality than the rest. Still a bit dramatic, but they contained some complexity for emotion. Plus, I'm a sucker for endings
Cons: This seemed immature compared to what I read from you before I left. The tone was overly dramatic, and generically so, especially at the end of the first stanza and the beginning of the second. Also, what's the point of the gun? It isn't explained at all, and contributes to the overall adolescent quality of the poem.

Overall: You can do so much better than this. I don't want to be harsh, and this is certainly better than the stuff from your beginning, but it didn't seem personalized or even very interesting. Best of luck on your next piece and I look forward to reading it.

Also, click here?
#4
Dang it, usually I love your pieces. You have such deep and emotional tone, and convey such unique ideas. But this just blew by me, leaving me without any feelings besides boredom and dissapointment.

Andrew said everything else I wanted to.
#5
Yeah, i'm sorry... its okay, but you need your own personalization like someone else said to this.
#6
you, as a writer, have personality. i like you. you're a bastard, but i like you. you then like this because you see personality in it. you see a part of yourself in it. as do i. but only because you said you saw personality in it. that can only take you so far.
writing is a balancing act, and i still see a really eclectic and undynamic voice to your writing, like you are trying to find something that isn't really there. it's not that you are untalented - quite the contrary - it's actually because you are talented that it aggravates me so much you are stuck in a zone of insecurity.
you say you really like this, and people will understand, but only see a story that you alone connect to. the idea is too connect the reader.
and doing that is a "journey" that every writer has to take individually. you can't teach it, so to speak.

enough rambling.

this was very good.
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Aug 4, 2009,