#1
OTS, NWaC (Not Worth a Crit) No plans to do anything with this, just experimenting. Maybe you'll enjoy it anyway.


If I were God,
I'd send my kids off to boarding school,
maybe hypnotize them before they left,
make them forget who I was,
think their teachers were all they had,
let them figure things out on their own.

I wouldn't care if they didn't love me,
forgot who I was,
where they came from,
didn't know they'd be coming back,
as long as they learned
what they needed.

And those who didn't learn,
I'm not sure what I'd do,
maybe send them back through school again,
or just let them come home,
not much wiser for the experience.

But yeah, boarding school,
that's what I'd do.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#3
this wouldve made a better thread in the pit.
if you were actually thinking you were god...

but otherwise,
what is this about?
Quote by deadringer13
xjosheex, you have made a simple answer to it all haha


Quote by Pr0gNut
I hope he gets a blood disease and dies alone and screaming.


I mean that in the nicest way possible of course.
#4
i like the concept since you mention God in the opening line, maybe you could try and introduce it again.

"as long as they learned
what they needed.
And those who didn't learn,
I'm not sure what I'd do,
maybe send them back through school again,
or just let them come home,
not much wiser for the experience"

this bit sounds a bit like the parable of the prodigal son to me
#5
i felt wanting more with your theme of "God" in your song, but that's just me. i didn't like the last two lines at all, it'd be better if you mentioned something with your "God" theme again, here.

"take your form
be my fear, be my hope
be the indication
if i'm right or wrong

take your most dreadful form
and let it be known"
he provided assurance
#6
First time I've read something from you...
Your tone, at least in this piece, is unique. Almost obtusely so. The constant commas, terseness (at least in parts), matter-of-factness. At the same time, it was obviously whimsical due to the premise. I don't really know what to make of it. if you posted more, I might come to appreciate your writing more, but this one (at least for now) will remain a bit of a puzzler for me.
#7
Howdy SYK,
I didn't care for the whole "what if" tone the piece had. It's a 'you should be showing me' kind of piece rather than 'telling me'. you know what I mean.
However. I did like how the read felt so casual making me believe that you aren't a god. It just backed up the 'i'm a regular guy' aspect. That probably wasn't intentional but I picked up on that.

This isn't anything great. You know this. But, it's always a pleasure to read you sir.
Promises meant a lot back then.
#8
I thought it was a bit contradictory, you as God hypnotizing the kids, because it seems that the character is a very carefree self-assured type of person who "wouldn't care if they didn't love him".

Of course not all hypnotism is bad, and it's an often used in therapy but it has bad connotations as a word, and that's what it made me think.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#9
If I was to think of this as a way of expressing your opinions on God and how he views his "children", I'd say this wasn't a very likeable or accurate piece. But if I was to perceive it simply as your imagination – as if you were God – I'd see a lot of quirkiness and interesting personality traits.
When one compares himself to another person – if I were Bill Gates, I would buy the most expensive guitar on the planet, blah, blah, blah – you see a part of that person. It's often a very clichéd and predictable one, but it's still an important part that is often neglected.
I like the way you bring that simple part of life and characterization into the picture again.
To me, you are showing both a caring, and uncaring side to yourself. But you are trying to reflect that upon God – in turn, asking the question, were we really made in God's image?
I don't believe you are trying to complain that Jehovah has ignored his “creation”, but that we needed to figure things out by ourself. It shows so much about you as a person. That if you ever have children, you'd want them to make their own way. To succeed and fail in their own ways.
Your blasé and lacklustre writing style was unique, ironically, and suited the theme of slight indecision.

Yeah, this was good.
#10
This played out pretty much as I had hoped for. It wasn't totally transparent, and a few people were confused. And the last two lines were lazy. I just threw them at it to punctuate, without any real thought.

The conversational voice was the most important part of this for me. I'm glad that came across. And judging by Dan's response the meaning and metaphors were just enough to clue to my intentions.

Thanks, guys.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#11
I liked it. It seemed a bit pointless, but I liked it, if simply for the quirky way that it projected your voice and opinions.

For the rest of my crit, view two posts above.