#1
CHANGES MADE, SEE BELOW!!!!

I was watching the signs,
but I saw nothing
I was watching your eyes,
but I felt nothing
wont you tell me why we think
that this is something
this love is like a finish line
reached by fast running

I can’t keep loving ghosts of dead hugging
cold and heart ugly avoid you so wily

bye

in a blackened alley we act
like we were creatures
trapped by deadly blades in a cast
tearing my sutures
all my love for you is a lie
it’s begun to fray
we’re like Icarus in the sky
our wings melt away

I can’t keep loving ghosts of dead hugging
cold and heart ugly avoid you so wily

bye

if you love me won’t you let me go
this is nothing but pain
if you love me won’t you let me go
I hate causing you pain
if you don’t love me I’ll let you go
I can’t trap you no
if you don’t love me I’ll let you go
just please let me know

I can’t keep loving your distant hugging
makes me feel ugly avoid me so wily

bye
Quote by FatalGear41
I wouldn't call what we have here on the Bass Forum a mentality. It's more like the sharing part of an AA meeting.

Quote by Jason Jillard
HUMANITY WHATS WRONG WITH YOU.


Warwick Fortress>>Acoustic AB50

http://www.myspace.com/rustingbloom
Last edited by the humanity at Aug 13, 2009,
#2
Quote by the humanity
I was watching the signs,
but I saw nothing
I was watching your eyes,
but I felt nothing
wont you tell me why we think
that this is something
this love is like a finish line
reached by fast running

I like this opening stanza. It's not the strongest opener ever, but it sets the mood and establishes what you're talking about.

I can’t keep loving ghosts of dead hugging
cold and heart ugly avoid you so wily

This is supposed to be grammatical gibberish, right? I appreciate this type of thing because it says so much without even communicating properly. I like it.


bye

Kind of short, even for a one-word part. I think "Goodbye" might be more effective here.

in a blackened alley we act
like we were creatures
trapped by deadly blades in a cast
tearing my sutures
all my love for you is a lie
it’s begun to fray
we’re like Icarus in the sky
our wings melt away

I like the imagery, but some parts don't flow too well the way I'm reading it. "All my love for you is a lie" seems too blunt for such a vivid piece. I think more imagery or another simile would work better here. Otherwise, a strong stanza.

I can’t keep loving ghosts of dead hugging
cold and heart ugly avoid you so wily

bye

if you love me won’t you let me go
this is nothing but pain
if you love me won’t you let me go
I hate causing you pain
if you don’t love me I’ll let you go
I can’t trap you no
if you don’t love me I’ll let you go
just please let me know

I like the repetition, and the fact that you broke it up by changing up the coupled lines. I like this.

I can’t keep loving your distant hugging
makes me feel ugly avoid me so wily

I like that you changed up the wording for the last repetition of this line. Again, it has a very strong emotion to it without saying much.

bye


Overall, I enjoyed reading this. A few changes and this could be even better, in my opinion. I look forward to reading more of your work.
#3
for more of my work,
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1150627&highlight=white+shirt

I'm keeping bye, the goodbye won't fit with the music. music> lyrics for me.

n a blackened alley we act
like we were creatures
trapped by deadly blades in a cast
tearing my sutures
all my love for you lost it's dye
it’s begun to fray
we’re like Icarus in the sky
our wings melt away

is that an improvement?
Quote by FatalGear41
I wouldn't call what we have here on the Bass Forum a mentality. It's more like the sharing part of an AA meeting.

Quote by Jason Jillard
HUMANITY WHATS WRONG WITH YOU.


Warwick Fortress>>Acoustic AB50

http://www.myspace.com/rustingbloom
#4
Ah, then, by all means, keep it the way you had it.

I'd say that would be an improvement, yes. It just fits in better with the rest of that verse in my opinion.

Keep up the great work.
#5
thank you.
Quote by FatalGear41
I wouldn't call what we have here on the Bass Forum a mentality. It's more like the sharing part of an AA meeting.

Quote by Jason Jillard
HUMANITY WHATS WRONG WITH YOU.


Warwick Fortress>>Acoustic AB50

http://www.myspace.com/rustingbloom
#6
im nicks friend and i wrote the musical parts for the song (then he wrote the lyrics cuz he's good at that kind of thing lol) and i like the "dye" change that was made...it fits better
#7
UPDATED!!!!


I was watching the signs,
but I saw nothing
I was watching your eyes,
but I felt nothing
wont you tell me why we think
that this is something
this love is like a finish line
reached by fast running

We were caught up in the air
climbing far too fast
Every time angels walk by
I know this can't last
we made wax toys in the lab
they've grown old and weak
moths came and ate gaping holes
and the hinges creak

I cannot stand this there is no more bliss
No more tears to cry I just have to say
bye

in a blackened alley we pass
like we were creatures
trapped by deadly blades in a cast
tearing my sutures
all my love for you lost it's dye
it’s begun to fray
we’re like Icarus in the sky
our wings melt away

I cannot stand this there is no more bliss
No more tears to cry I just have to say
bye

if you love me won’t you let me go
this is nothing but pain
if you love me won’t you let me go
I hate causing you pain
if you don’t love me I’ll let you go
I can’t trap you no
if you don’t love me I’ll let you go
just please let me know

I must let you go you can stop the show
No more tears to cry I just have to say
bye
Quote by FatalGear41
I wouldn't call what we have here on the Bass Forum a mentality. It's more like the sharing part of an AA meeting.

Quote by Jason Jillard
HUMANITY WHATS WRONG WITH YOU.


Warwick Fortress>>Acoustic AB50

http://www.myspace.com/rustingbloom
Last edited by the humanity at Aug 13, 2009,