#1
Okay, this was derived from a poem I wrote a while back, which I'm trying to rewrite into a song. Hope you like it.


Younger now and ill-equipped
For anything but dying, wasting time.
Nothing more than immigrants
In our own country, lost and undefined.

We have broken ourselves
For their sakes.

Older now, just labored cattle,
Everything around us dead and dry.
Faceless bastards, unaware
That urgency surrounds us; pacified.


We have broken ourselves
For their sakes.

Callow fools
To have accrued
A postiche Heaven
To fall into.



That's all I've got so far on this one. I'll post more as I work on it, but I wanted some feedback on what I've written so far.

Here's the poem I originally wrote:


Young and ill-equipped,
Good for nothing but dying.
Like overworked cattle,
Unaware of our urgency.



I think I've made an improvement, if I do say so myself.
Last edited by Winter Sky at Aug 8, 2009,
#2
obviously from a poem, i really enjoyed it. odd to use a simile in the first line of the second stanza, as everything else had just been a direct metaphor. perhaps change "like" to "just"? But thats just me looking for some advice to give. Very good, pm me when you have more i'd love to read.
"I is another." - Rimbaud
#3
I enjoyed this. I'd like to read the poem it came out of. I'm with the Nietzsche disciple here, PM me if you get more written.
I want Super Saiyan abilities
#5
Much improved. I don't like the last line, however. The ending just seems flat whether it's the end of the song or just that stanza.
I want Super Saiyan abilities