#1
Ok so these are some lyrics I wrote and I was wondering if you guys could help me with the ending? It seems to me as if the ending is flat in terms of the punch I want to deliver at the end. Thanks for reading and those who comment are greatly appreciated!!


EDITED


Midsummer Night

I was just messing around
When I should’ve tried harder
Now it’s too late
And
I’m sinking so far down
Why did you let me fall
I know that I’m
Not all you ever wanted
But this is a new low


I was stupidly outrageous
Turned out to be contagious
Could never let go
Get a chance to show
What you are
Is more beautiful
Than this starlit sky
Or even this
Once in a lifetime
Midsummer Night

When the first thing
I said
Meant
“Im new at this”
I knew it
Was beyond me
To win you over
(win you over)
Your response
Is a riddle
To occupy my time
And distract me
From the comings and goings
Of the others
Chorus

But did you give me a chance
Is the window still open?
Only have eyes for him
Can’t even get a word in
(Isn’t open, isn’t open)
Now there’s only
Going back
Back to
The low road for the fast track

Chorus

I am partially resigned
And mainly a fool
To think that
I was anything more
Than a simple plaything
A love struck disaster
For your amusement
How is one
So cruel?
Too lazy to come up with a clever or relevant sig.
Last edited by PCADriven at Aug 5, 2009,
#2
Forgive me for bumping my own peice. i am new to the forums and was unaware. I apologize to other artists.
Too lazy to come up with a clever or relevant sig.
Last edited by PCADriven at Aug 5, 2009,
#4
My bad. I'm new to the forums and was unaware. Thanks.
Too lazy to come up with a clever or relevant sig.
#5
Quote by PCADriven
Ok so these are some lyrics I wrote and I was wondering if you guys could help me with the ending? It seems to me as if the ending is flat in terms of the punch I want to deliver at the end. Thanks for reading and those who comment are greatly appreciated!!


Midsummer Nights

I was just messing around
When I should’ve tried harder
Now it’s too late
And
I’m sinking so far down
Into a pool
Of my own distaste
i wasn't too fond of these three lines after "and", but it keeps this intro flowing the way you have it. if you can find another way of expressing the same idea, that'd work.
Never going to
Get out
interesting song structure, but a little too broken up for my taste. this, however, is a good opening.

I was stupidly outrageous
Turned out to be contagious
ah, this seemed too forced to me with the end-rhymes and all.
Could never let go
Get a chance to show
again, too forced on the rhyming
That what I want is something deeper
Than the simple beauty
On the outside
But the warmth of
i'm confused here. are you saying that you want something deeper on the outside than the warmth of a summer night, or you want something deeper on the outside that isn't the warmth of a summer night? sorry, i just got a little confused with the wording.
A Midsummer Night
(The Warmth of a Midsummer Night)

When the first thing
I said
meant
“Im new at this”
I knew this
Was beyond me
To win you over
(win you over)
What you said meant
“Boy I’m too good for you”
So I knew it couldn’t be
wasn't too fond of this stanza but it flows with the theme of your song.

Chorus

But you gave me a chance
Is the window still open?
Only have eyes for him
here, too forced on the rhyming
Can’t even get a word in
(Isn’t open, isn’t open)
Now there’s no
Going back
The low road for the fast track
you should put a "to" before "the low road of a fast track".

Chorus

If you could
Only know
But there’s no
Way to show
I would freeze time <<<<<<<<<<<<<This is the verse I need help with!!
To rewind
These Seven
Midsummer Nights
you would freeze time, then rewind time? i think it's either one or the other. this stanza has the style and structure of the other stanzas, so there's no real problem with that. however, you went from "a midsummer night" in the chorus to "seven midsummer nights" in this, you should choose whichever you intend to mean.


a decent song with a couple of things that poked out at me. the last verse could use a bit more creativity and changes. nice job, nonetheless.

and before i forget ... TAG ... you're it.
click on the link above and it will take you to a group called "S&L Pay-It-Forward Critiques".

find instructions there about how you are asked to critique someone's lyrics. it's a way to get more people active on giving honest critiques.

nice job, again, and thanks!
"take your form
be my fear, be my hope
be the indication
if i'm right or wrong

take your most dreadful form
and let it be known"
he provided assurance
#6
Thanks so much. I will immediatly get to working on that. So many obvious things I failed to notice.
Too lazy to come up with a clever or relevant sig.
#7
Quote by PCADriven
I am partially resigned
And mainly a fool
To think that
I was anything more
Than a simple plaything
This feels awkward when I read it. Maybe the way it fits the melody doesn't make it feel that way though.
A love struck disaster
For your amusement
How is one
So cruel?

I liked this at the end. It has a nice flow thoughout minus the one line that I commented on. I definately liked the first 4 lines of the chorus. Yes, they do feel like they were partially rhymes for the sake of rhymes but lines like that flow really well in a musical sense at least in my opinion.

Also, thanks for the crit on my piece
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As usual Natrone's mouth spouts general win.

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man, Natrone you're some kind of ninja I swear


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plexi


i realize the longshot that is. little giant to humongous one.


Rest In Peace Stevie Ray