#1
never left a window open
never left a door unlocked
but they're all still getting in somewhere

and the venoms already coursing
through my blood into the brain
I don't think I'll ever be this sane again

when these fangs extract
is it okay to say no thanks?
I don't want your critiscms today

never wanted an all-out war
never predicted such an attack
but there's no way back to how it was before

and the sun will slowly set
lingering in a conscious effort
to spill my guts up to my mouth in tension

when these fangs extract
is it okay to say no thanks?
I don't want your critiscms today

take my blood instead of hers
stick your daggers in my back
and I'll be laughing til my wings
spring out and you're under attack

when these fangs extract
is it okay to say no thanks?
I don't want your critiscms today
just get out, and go away

bat people
bat people
bad people
bad people
#2
Quote by Jammydude44
never left a window open
never left a door unlocked
but they're all still getting in somewhere makes me think of paranoia. also subtly implies of bats getting in.

and the venoms already coursing
through my blood into the brain
I don't think I'll ever be this sane again

when these fangs extract
is it okay to say no thanks?
I don't want your critiscms today oh

never wanted an all-out war
never predicted such an attack I don't like the expression "all-out war", maybe it's just me but it makes me cringe when someone "declares war" on their sickness/disease or does an "attack" on a pandemic. It makes me think like a news reporter is saying it.
but there's no way back to how it was before

and the sun will slowly set
lingering in a conscious effort
to spill my guts up to my mouth in tension

when these fangs extract
is it okay to say no thanks?
I don't want your critiscms today

take my blood instead of hers
stick your daggers in my back
and I'll be laughing til my wings
spring out and you're under attack

when these fangs extract I liked how the back/attack rhymes in the previous stanza ties in with the internal rhyme in "extract". It gives a sense of finality to the repeated chorus.
is it okay to say no thanks?
I don't want your critiscms today
just get out, and go away

bat people
bat people
bad people
bad people
^these could sound quite cool when sung, it makes me think of a Syd Barret-like spoken word area where the words meld into each other until the meaning is given a new light.


I thought it was to-the point and simple, with a tinge of the bat/vampire metaphor throughout. It gets the message across.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#4
in general good, name could use some rethinking tho but have to keep the general theme and personally don't like the end where it is repeated this is only constructive criticism tho
'into the night under a crimson sky on the the fetid wings of death we ride' Messiah Of Hate by Hell Wave
#7
Guess whooo.
Consider this black dotted, i'll be back tomorrow to complete the job, i'm a little tired right now! Enjoy pondering on who this returning phantom is haha. I've written one called Lord of the Manor, but i'd be happy for your comments after i've done yours of course.
#8
Aw, that's my little game over. I'm such a tool i completely forgot about the multi account thingymajig. Haha, my bad.
So yes, the first thing i'll say about this is there isn't enough flow for my liking. When you have three lines in each stanza, i think it becomes very important to string them together smoothly and, indeed, each individual line. For example:
"when these fangs extract
is it okay to say no thanks?
I don't want your critiscms today"
Feels quite jerky to me, simply in the way it's worded.

To be honest, that's the only highly significant thing i can criticise about this, except maybe the title, but that's a matter of taste. Other than this one qualm of mine it seemed to me that you are very clear of the direction in which you wrote this and that shows in the writing. Perhaps this puts it in danger of being a little one dimensional, but since the piece is quite short, that's not too much of an issue at all. There is a clear, grim, image at the heart of this piece, which is somehow comforting, just in the way that there is no confusion over it.

There ya are! My penny's worth. If you could crit the thread i made on my stupidly-created multi that would be just fine, it's a little easier than creating a new thread!

p.s. now highly embarressed about my old name from when i was younger.