#1
a fun little song with a personal touch. please, comment on any aspect of the song.


A Cooked-Up Chimera

The sound of consistent beating
Traces to your fading lungs
I pursue perfect apprehension
I’ll review every last dimension

Discerning predisposition

I’ve arrived at the stressed out site
So I’ll track down where the plague resides
A faint disguise, for a clear-cut crime


I’m analyzing every possibility
Only further damaging my mind

I pursue perfect apprehension
I’ll review every last dimension

What if it was false comprehension?

My effort to find a solution dissolves
In your dreams I fail, even if you're wrong
"take your form
be my fear, be my hope
be the indication
if i'm right or wrong

take your most dreadful form
and let it be known"
he provided assurance
Last edited by gavincandance at Aug 5, 2009,
#2
a fun little song with a personal touch. please, comment on any aspect of the song.


A Cooked-Up Chimera

The sound of consistent beating
The sound traces to your fading lungs
I pursue perfect apprehension
I’ll review every last dimension

Discerning predisposition
-----i dont really like how you started the first two lines with same two words...
also, lungs beat?

the last three were better. didnt like how they all rhymed, felt forced to me.
but they were well written nonetheless.

just not my bag, i guess.
[see, i just did it. hah. didnt mean to.]


I’ve arrived at the stressed out site
So I’ll track down where the plague resides
A faint disguise, for a clear-cut crime

------this was alot better!
i'm actually very fond of this one...

i liked the sort of internal rhyme you had goin on with 'resides' and 'disguise'


I’m analyzing every possibility
And I, frequently stress out my mind
-----here, i dont like how you repeated the word 'stress'
didnt do anything for me.
stressed, stress


theyre just weak words in my opinion.
didnt really like it in the above stanza, either,
but it worked out alright with the rest of it,
so it didnt bug me much.

but here, it just throws me off a little...


I pursue perfect apprehension
I’ll review every last dimension-------this was decent, but i felt like youre trying too hard, which may not be a bad thing... youre pretty good with words. just not feeling this much, maybe it's just too early for me though, haha.
**** if it makes things build more tension-----i'd just say "... if it builds more tensio" maybe??
I’ll give you my undistracted attention


What if it was false comprehension?
A crafty way to beg for extension
It’s all come down to ironic dissension

It’s all gone now from sudden ascension
-------same thing here, i dont like how these all rhyme.
feels forced, choppy, and just... hard to follow for me really...


but, i feel like youve done this on purpose, yes?




all in all, this was decent, despite everything bad i had to say about it...

it could use a little work.
you've definitely got your own style goin on, which i like, i just dont know how well i actually like the style.
haha.


but keep it up man!


oh, and TAG!

you're it.
click on the link above,
it will take you to a group called
"S&L Pay-It-Forward Critiques"

you will find instructions there,
about how you are asked to critique someone's lyrics.


it's a way to get more people active on giving whole-hearted and honest critiques.
and also, to give people more of them, hopefully.


thanks!
Last edited by TonyRandall at Aug 5, 2009,
#3
thank you very much for your comment (i joined the group as well )

yeah, i understand that saying "the sound" in the first and second lines is a bit too much. the reason i made the lungs "beating" was to personify that the lungs are trapped and are trying to escape the body, so to speak.

i normally don't try to hard to rhyme, but i had this groove going on in my head where the (scream) vocals and (clean) vocals are playing off each other.
"take your form
be my fear, be my hope
be the indication
if i'm right or wrong

take your most dreadful form
and let it be known"
he provided assurance
#4
oh, i see...
it could work, though. with the right music...
it could be great.


and, thanks for joining the group.

if you would, i would appreciate it if you could help spread the word of it.
i think it would be great for this forum.
helping people get decent critiques and whatnot.


also,
i love dance gavin dance.
love the name dude.
#5
i changed some things that you mentioned, don't really know if they will help or ruin the song. also, i would love helping spread the word around about your group.

Quote by TonyRandall
also,
i love dance gavin dance.
love the name dude.


thank you
"take your form
be my fear, be my hope
be the indication
if i'm right or wrong

take your most dreadful form
and let it be known"
he provided assurance
#6
a fun little song with a personal touch. please, comment on any aspect of the song.


A Cooked-Up Chimera

The sound of consistent beating
Traces to your fading lungsGOOD! this is much, much better. perfect now. =]
I pursue perfect apprehension
I’ll review every last dimension

Discerning predisposition

I’ve arrived at the stressed out site
So I’ll track down where the plague resides
A faint disguise, for a clear-cut crime

after a second read, i realize the beauty of this stanza. great job with it... maybe it really was too early for me to be critiquing this morning. haha. i went to bed at around 3 am last night and got up at 7 to come to work, where i am now/was when i first critiqued this...

I’m analyzing every possibility
Only further damaging my mind
another great change! gooood.
I pursue perfect apprehension
I’ll review every last dimension

What if it was false comprehension?

My effort to find a solution dissolves
In your dreams I fail, even if you're wrong
this last line is simply beautiful, great fucking job man!


wow, now you have quite a good song on your hands.
great job with this...


i can see the dgd influences in your writing... i like it! i'd love to hear this.


good job.
-tony.

hmmm,
well the first crit was for the payitforward thing...
now i'm begging for a crit on my latest... if you have time.
i'm not sure how well it's turned out.
well...
i guess i'm asking for a bump pretty much, haha.


good work with this!
its solid now.
great changes.
i really, really like it now.
#7
i will gladly look at your songs and offer my comments.

thanks again for your help.
"take your form
be my fear, be my hope
be the indication
if i'm right or wrong

take your most dreadful form
and let it be known"
he provided assurance