#1
I quote SYK here. "You can re-post this after it's closed." And so I am reposting it.

If my repost of this is also against the rules, then I guess I'm hardcore SOL...


She makes me 5 kinds of nervous
What have I done to deserve this?
Trying to figure all the right ways
To express what I have to say
And then we meet, I try to speak
Choke my words and fumble again
Said the wrong thigs, said them quickly.
Remember saying, "please don't leave me."
... I know I'm always too late.

My friends think that I'm obsessed
And I know they know me best,
Maybe it's time to admit it?
I know that if I pass your test
You would think I'm not a pest -
Time I should get on with it.

[Chorus]
You have no idea
About the way I feel
And as I write the songs
I'm proving myself wrong
Maybe we could have a future.

I've talked alot with our friends
And they know just where to begin
Much better than I.
A few have said they agree
and think that we're meant to be
and that I need to try; so I will.

[Chorus]

If I could have this my way
We wouldn't have to play games
We wouldn't have to call names
We wouldn't just be friends
But this is so hard
And it seems that so far,
You've passed around the bend.

This is how I feel
I'll be sincere, it's real.
And as I write the songs,
I'm proving myself wrong
Babe, we should have a future.
build 1, finished 1/15/11

Every time I try to pick it up like falling sand,
As fast as I pick it up,
it runs away through my clutching hands.
There's nothing else I can really do...
#2
Meh not really the style I like...one thing I noticed, in the line "Maybe it's time to admit it" I believe it would be an improvement to leave the last it out, then admit rhymes to it at the end. Not bad though, certainly a good effort.

EDIT: the last sentence is really rather weak imo
#3
I really enjoyed it, it is wonderfully well written!! I would only change one thing on the line: I know if I pass your test, You would think I'm not a pest. I would rework the last part, pest isnt really the greatest word you could use there in my opinion, it seems like you knew just how great of a line it could be, but you worked to hard at it and fell short. I strongly recommend changing that but other than that, way to go!!
Too lazy to come up with a clever or relevant sig.
#4
Thanks for the suggestions guys.

I thought the last line was kinda weak too... but I can work on it. How about: "I've been trying for so long." and fade out?

PCA, for what you suggested, now that I look at it - would "I'd put myself out from the rest" work better?
build 1, finished 1/15/11

Every time I try to pick it up like falling sand,
As fast as I pick it up,
it runs away through my clutching hands.
There's nothing else I can really do...
#5
A song named after a girl, that's really original.


Name 26.


Name 3 more.


Name 6 more.


Oh you can go to hell!
Better than Jesus, Megatron and T-Rex combined.

-
(. Y .)(. Y .)
- ) . ( - ) . (
- \ v / - \ v /


This ^ is why I'm right.
#7
Quote by Copaman
Thanks for the suggestions guys.

I thought the last line was kinda weak too... but I can work on it. How about: "I've been trying for so long." and fade out?

PCA, for what you suggested, now that I look at it - would "I'd put myself out from the rest" work better?


Most definetly. Thats the perfect line: It fits, says something important, and is clever. Good work man!
Too lazy to come up with a clever or relevant sig.