#1
First go at writing a song, not too sure how it turned out.

Waiting for my sleep
Watching TV, passing time
Burning eyes, they won’t close
Its 40 hours awake
Awake
Awake
I wait


Solving the condition
Without help or aid
For me it’s just too hard
To let go and sleep
Awake
Awake
I wait

Waking up everyday
Looking up seeing light
Roll over, it’s just too simple
To let go and sleep
Asleep
Asleep
I remain
#3
i think thats good for a first attempt
i got some good imagery too, but maybe thats just me
I can haz sigg


Quote by Born_to_shred
Any solo in any An Endless Sporadic song is "quite shmexy".



zink10192 wrote:

fail

#4
Better than anything i could come up with
Quote by CoreysMonster
Why, my pasty danish cracker, I believe you've got it!
#6
Waiting for my sleep
I'd def pull my out of there. You don't need it. It clutters
Watching TV, passing time
TV bugged me, but not horribly. Maybe make that the tube? idk.
Burning eyes, they won’t close
They is just slightly weak. Maybe change to that or just drop it altogether.
The rhythmic impact is better without anything there, too.

Its 40 hours awake
Try this line, just starting at Forty.
Awake
Awake
I wait
These three line have great sonic impact.
They're all iambs and they sound similar.



Solving the condition
Without help or aid
For me it’s just too hard
To let go and sleep
Awake
Awake
I wait

Waking up everyday
Maybe each day instead of everyday? idk.
Looking up seeing light
Roll over, it’s just too simple
To let go and sleep
Asleep
Asleep
I remain
remain ruins the effect.
you're breaking the rhythmic pattern you set.
change it to stay. or some other one-syllable word.


This could easily be longer, but don't wreck it by adding only for the length.
Even short, as it is, this works.
Much of this has an abrupt, powerful impact because of the rhythm.
Any changes you might make to this should be with attention to syllable count and where the accents fall.

I like this a ton.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#8
Quote by bonkers_tom
Thanks a lot that was really helpful
You're welcome.

Tag ... your're it!
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#9
I changed it to this if anyone's interested.

Waiting for sleep
Watching TV, passing time
Burning eyes, won’t close
40 hours awake
Awake
Awake
I wait


Solving the condition
Without help or aid
For me it’s just too hard
To let go and sleep
Awake
Awake
I wait
Awake
Awake
I wait

Waking up daily
Looking up seeing light
Roll over, it’s just too simple
To let go and sleep
Asleep
Asleep
I lie
#10
great! What song genre is this? metal? acoustic? acoustic metal? XD
Tim.

You have entered the Twilight Zone
Beyond this world strange things are known
Use this key, unlock the door
See what your fate might have in store
Come explore your dreams' creation
Enter this world of imagination
#11
I'm feeling acoustic metal ;]

I like it. Especially the second verse. At first I though it was a bit simple but after a few more times of reading it, simplecan be good. Nice job man =]
BITCH, IMA LEAD FARMER

Read 'Em =]
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[thread="1179087"]Rude Awakening[/thread]