#1
C4C ( leave link )

I'm back from a two week vacation at my grandparents' house. This was written few minutes after four a.m. and immediately became a song. I'm actually writting a lot less than usual, but I'm not really concerned with it. I also have a piece I wrote right before I left home, I think I might post it but it's nothing special. Hope you enjoy reading this.


They said "It starts sometime around midnight",
but it’s four a.m. and things look quite paused
since two thousand four or before,
when there wasn’t only passion, attraction
and other stuff to die for.
So I can finally receive the suicidal reward
I’ve been fighting for on this horizontal eight
that kept feeding the hate growing in my head.
And sometime around midnight, I’m pulling my hair
to actually see if I’m made of pieces,
instead of just crying tears to show me I can feel;
I look at them in the mirror to see they are real,
to see that I exist beyond immaculate meat.
And at four a.m., I found myself questioning
if this shelter’s benevolent for my mind;
if I’m dashing humankind for my own good.
And then it came to me, as some sort of epiphany,
that I’ve turned horizontal eight into a circuit;
that I’m spiraling into the core of another spiral’s end,
like a cycle without returning to the beginning.
Just the same old square on a paper
waiting to be filled with ink
just to feel useful in life.

I’m in hurt somewhere in between of everywhere.
Last edited by seventh_angel at Aug 6, 2009,
#2
I love how easy it is to connect to your pieces. That's why I usually look for you on the front page.

They said "It starts sometime around midnight",
but it’s four a.m. and things look quite paused
since two thousand four or before,
when there wasn’t only passion, attraction
and other stuff to die for.

I like this part a lot, and it's a good way to open up. It catches the reader's attention easily. I think that the third line seems awkwardly worded though. I think that a period should come after "paused," and you should work on the transition.

So I can finally receive the suicidal reward
I’ve been fighting for on this horizontal eight
that kept feeding the hate growing in my head.
And sometime around midnight, I’m pulling my hair
to actually see if I’m made of pieces,
instead of just crying tears to show me I can feel;
I look at them in the mirror to see they are real,
to see that I exist beyond immaculate meat.

To be honest, this makes me think of Jesus being crucified on the cross. It's weird how that came to mind, but the more I think about it, the more I believe you were attempting to create this metaphor within a metaphor, if you will. At first I hated how suicidal reward looked, and couldn't understand the second line, but now it makes sense, so please don't change it. I would like to go into how certain parts of the metaphor touched me, but I'm not even sure if that's what you're going for...

And at four a.m., I found myself questioning
if this shelter’s benevolent for my mind;
if I’m dashing humankind for my own good.
And then it came to me, as some sort of epiphany,
that I’ve turned horizontal eight into a circuit;
that I’m spiraling into the core of another spiral’s end,
like a cycle without returning to the beginning.
Just the same old square on a paper
waiting to be filled with ink
just to feel useful in life.

Good. Very good. Made me think of trees this time, but it still works with the piece. The rhyme scheme you're carefully laying underneath makes this even more delightful to read. The one thing that I didn't like is having "and" in both the first and fourth line there, but it's still great.

Overall, I think this is one of my favorite pieces I've read in the past week, and that you're now one of my favorite writers on this forum. I can't seem to find hardly any flaws, and those that I do find are very nitpicky.

If you could take a look at Stars in my sig, it needs some love.
#4
They said "It starts sometime around midnight",
but it’s four a.m. and things look quite paused
since two thousand four or before,
when there wasn’t only passion, attraction
and other stuff to die for.

The rhyme between "before" and "for" is a little forced, maybe try to change the wording? I also agree that there should be a period after paused. Other than that, I loved it

So I can finally receive the suicidal reward
I’ve been fighting for on this horizontal eight
that kept feeding the hate growing in my head.

Really dig this part.

And sometime around midnight, I’m pulling my hair
to actually see if I’m made of pieces,
instead of just crying tears to show me I can feel;
I look at them in the mirror to see they are real,
to see that I exist beyond immaculate meat.

Absolutely amazing. I love the darkness you put in this part, and the way you executed it was flawless. My favorite part of the poem.

And at four a.m., I found myself questioning
if this shelter’s benevolent for my mind;
if I’m dashing humankind for my own good.

Solid, I like the rementioning of 4 AM.

And then it came to me, as some sort of epiphany,
that I’ve turned horizontal eight into a circuit;
that I’m spiraling into the core of another spiral’s end,
like a cycle without returning to the beginning.
Just the same old square on a paper
waiting to be filled with ink
just to feel useful in life.

I’m in hurt somewhere in between of everywhere.

Great ending.

Overall, I really enjoyed this peice. Awesome job.

C4C?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1177299
Quote by Ur all $h1t
I stick stuff in my pee hole.

Gear:

Schecter C-1 Classic
Ibanez S670PB
Stratocaster MIM Standard
Marshall MG30 (its purple )
Dunlop Crybaby Wah
Last edited by Wulphy at Aug 6, 2009,
#5
The only thing that bugged me about this piece was the very last light. The wording feels a bit screwy. "I'm in hurt". I'm not really sure what you're meaning by that.

Apart from that, great to see you hassling us with your "writings" again. Nice to see one that doesn't take a year to read as well
#6
Thank you Wulphy and Kyle.

I have to disagree with the period after paused. Things were paused since two thousand for or before. I can't put a period between one thing that completes other. At least as I see it.

Btw, Kyle, Barenaked Ladies' One Week is amazing
#7
I had to think for a moment what you were on about

Yes it is, and I'm gonna put up more of my story as soon as i can get the file from my dead laptop