#1
c4c. returning from my last piece now (SubwayToVenus, sorry mate.... I'm coming).




A little girl was crying on the street today.
I asked her why, and she swore the sky was falling.

I couldn't see it,
"Where is it, love? Where?"

A tiny finger pointed to the courthouse.
A sudden gale rushed against us,
her white sundress flailing in its dark grip
as the judge took a check from a local bar owner.

She pulled in close to me and began weeping,
"Mister, do you see it? Right behind the courthouse
all the clouds are turning black and swirling and...
they're starting to cry!"

"Yes, dear,
I see it now.

I think I might cry with you too."
#2
I saw this the other day in the free post thread. I was tempted to message you and inform you that I wish you to post this/add.
I've read it. Enjoyed it. And will give no feedback due to me being on my ps3.
Promises meant a lot back then.
#3
Actually, that was Chicken Little, bitch

Btw, the piece is sexy. I can give it a full crit, but it'd be pretty useless.
#5
this was so incredibly sad, but cute at first glance, becaues it can be seen as a little girl's naiive innocent plea for justice, but once I started to think about the possible relationships between the characters (owing to the sparseness of this poem, which forces you to search for the meaning in it) and the possibilities of how the bar owner and the little girl are related, and if the bar owner's crime involved the little girl in any way, which explains her emotional attachment.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#7
This is a really sweet, really sad piece. It seems incredibly short, particularly because of the semi-bluntness, but I do think you could add more to it. At the same time though, it'd stink if you put something less interesting or worthwhile than this.

I liked it. If you could even give a short crit on Stars, because I'm wondering whether to turn it into a song, I'd appreciate it.

EDIT: And Dylan, wtf, you're a guy.
Last edited by punkforlife93 at Aug 6, 2009,
#8
That really hit me man, great job. It really was, as everyone said, really sad. The way you managed to pack that much feeling and impact in that short of a poem really says something. Awesome job.

C4C?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1177299
Or
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1066395
Quote by Ur all $h1t
I stick stuff in my pee hole.

Gear:

Schecter C-1 Classic
Ibanez S670PB
Stratocaster MIM Standard
Marshall MG30 (its purple )
Dunlop Crybaby Wah
#10
this idea is so wore out.
i mean, the subject itself is wonderful to tamper with - but i think you finalized with a product i've seen too many times to pull any sort of praise from a writer's standpoint.
"cliche" would be taking it a bit too far, imo, but i think you know what i'm saying.

/hopingitmakessense.

i haven't commented on your stuff for awhile, Zach, but i'm always reading.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Aug 8, 2009,
#11
Quote by ZanasCross



A little girl was crying on the street today.
I asked her why, and she swore the sky was falling.
there really isn't much tact to this, no poeticism, no draw. it is all content, no style.

I couldn't see it,
"Where is it, love? Where?"
is it 1960? are we calling children love? or maybe you are from someplace different than i am. couldn't see what? the sky? or that the sky was falling? again, not very much tact about this.

A tiny finger pointed to the courthouse.
A sudden gale rushed against us,
her white sundress flailing in its dark grip
as the judge took a check from a local bar owner.
it feels inorganic. 'a' as opposed to 'her' makes it impersonal, and kin of odd. a sudden gale-- interesting, but for some reason it doesnt feel right. i like 'rushed against us', a real bright spot in your diction for this piece. the last line is good-- succinct and to the point, but direct as well, to the reader that is, which is something really good for this piece. i don't necessarily understand the 'dark grip'.

She pulled in close to me and began weeping,
"Mister, do you see it? Right behind the courthouse
all the clouds are turning black and swirling and...
they're starting to cry!"
starting to cry? a girl this young. all alone on the street. talking to a stranger man. and she says 'cry'. not 'rain'. work on your child's voice i think. and yours too, in this poem.

"Yes, dear,
I see it now.

I think I might cry with you too."
i like it. not very subtle and not my style, but it's good nonetheless..


solid poem, but the voice felt too inorganic, the story as a whole, and the dialogue was poor. there are a few bright spots in your descriptions though, i do like "white sundress", although i don't know if flailing is the right word to follow it.

if you can take a look at my latest-- it seems i don't get critiques anymore so i think it's because i haven't been doing enough of them!