#1
scratch that

A Train On The Tracks pt. 2
I chased her laughing echos
up the hill to the meadows
when we both snuck away from our chores.
She wore a white sundress too big for her bones,
and it slipped off her shoulders a bit when she sat.
And as the breeze ruffled the hem,
the flower petals danced in the wind.
I think she melted right into them.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
Last edited by jiminizzle at Aug 10, 2009,
#3
Woah.

That's pretty much perfect. Short, simplistic, no unnecessary clutter. It says everything it needs to, and no more. I especially love the imagery of the fourth and fifth lines, it's absolutely perfect there.

It's hard to find anything to critique there, but I would suggest seeing how it sounds with "where we went" as part of the second line instead of the third. Alliteration can be nice, but you maybe overuse it just a tad there, making it confusing more than anything.
kill all humans
#4
The third line was very jarring after the shortness and rhyme of the previous two. Also, and this really is a nitpick, having "a little" in one line and then having "a bit" in the next felt repetitive. You could get rid of "a little" and the whole thing would sound more graceful to my ear. I like the triple almost-rhyme in the last three lines a lot. It's great. I'm not sure about the connection between this one and pt. 1, though... I have some theories that I'm juggling around but it certainly provokes thought. This was lovely and short and gentle, and I really wanted more to dig into.
#5
aye thank you. Some modifications according to you're feedback.

The title in relation to the last piece tries to sum it up I guess.

thanks guys
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
Last edited by jiminizzle at Aug 10, 2009,
#6
It's lovely and concise, and the words flowed together smoothly. The fourth line ending with "bones" had a sort of scientific harshness in the imagery, when in fact it says the opposite, and the contrast adds color to the piece.
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Last edited by Laces Out Danny at Aug 10, 2009,
#7
This piece has excellent imagery, and just overall a nice flow. But the thing is, it's way too short for me to fully appreciate it. It's like, you scribbled a thought down, but were too afraid to experiment and elaborate on it, maybe because you didn't want to mess it up.

Regardless, it's good, but I wanted more.
#8
"the flower petals danced in the wind."
- I think you can do better than that.

This was sweet. "echos", "meadows", "chores", "snuck" and "bones" were wonderful words utilized in conjunction with each other.

That's all I got from it though. apologies.