#1
I’m not the girl you used to know
Back when all I ate was rice and snow
Oh god, I was so petite and skinny
When you split my legs and then let go

Dunk me in the river
Make me clean
I’m about to do something terrible Father
I’ve seen the future in my dreams

There’s a girl up there in the third story window
Of that pale white house across the street
She’s cutting up her family
Butchering them like rancid meat

And the god up there is sending me signs
To try to save a life again
But I learned my lesson so the big guy
Is going to have to find someone else to send

I’m not the girl you used to know
Back when all I ate was rice and snow
Oh god, I was so petite and skinny
When you split my legs and then let go

Dunk me in the river
Make me clean
I’m about to do something terrible Father
I’ve seen the future in my dreams

My friend will be dying in the gutter
Because he will have traded his job for pills
My city will buckle town for a hurricane
That will tear its towers limb from limb
And I will have the button in front of me
All I will need to do is push it

But I’m not that kind of girl no more
I won’t be that kind of girl no more
I’d rather watch them all die
I will just watch them all die
Watch them all die
Watch them all die
Watch them all die
#2
Hey Dylan, i was pleased to see you on the first page! Suffice to say i remember you from a couple of years ago, rougly, on here, no matter who i was haha. Anyway, on with the comments.
The first thing that struck me was how the first three lines lull the reader into a sort of assumption, i guess, that this piece of writing was going to be full of soft images such as "rice and snow". That makes one feel a sense of mellowness, well at least for me anyway. Anyhow, concerning the bit that struck me: the fourth line of the first stanza is a crude snap, but in a good way. It felt as if it were a good introduction to the flip side of some of the images, for instance the juxtaposition between a river, which can be seen as tranquil, and the notion of being forcibly 'dunked' for the purpose of cleansing.
Throughout the piece, i felt a strong sense of angst, particularly voiced through the stanza about 'rancid meat' which, for the record is great word choice. However on the flip side, one gets a sense of this angst ushering the piece into a feeling of being one dimensional. This is not necessarily a huge flaw because by the nature of angst, it tends to override everything else. But still, i think it's something worth considering.
All in all, i enjoyed a good old, straight up, no frills, bitter satirical poem. At least that's what i made of it!

Lovely to read your work again. Do point me in the direction of more if you feel like it. In the mean time, anything you can say about my poem 'Lord of the Manor' would be much appreciated! Cheers.
#4
This is better than your other stuff. It seems to have a smoother sense of direction
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#6
Quote by ZanasCross
"My city will buckle town for a hurricane"
And yes, what Jimi said. This read down the page well instead or reading like a seizure. I liked it.


typo?

thank you guys. still trying to find my songwriting groove. i'm a very confused writer at the moment.
#7
Quote by #1 synth
typo?


you wrote 'town' not 'down' and if it's intentional it's silly.

not one of my favourites from you, but it's still very good. we really should make a band. you have recording software?
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#8
As poetry? It's pretty good.

As lyrics? Excellent.

If you and Katherine made a band, I'd be interested to know what style you'd play.
Last edited by punkforlife93 at Aug 7, 2009,
#9
^ We'd play electro-acoustic singer songwriter alt. rock beat pop spoken word lo-fi ska folk -like blues without the wah but instead with toy keyboards and spanish guitars- over-dramatic heart wrenching anthems on pianos and guitars and tables and bins and anything we could find that we thought sounded right.

And it would sound bloody awful but you'd know it was actually genius.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#11
finally found the motivation to record this, should have it up by the end of the day. its not too too bad, though still kind of rough.

Katie (mind if I call you that? ) has pegged my dream genre.

And yeah, that was a typo, but I was pointing out Zackk's own typo of saying or as oppose to of lol

I mean I have a shoddy recording device that attaches to my ipod and i have audacity. but I might get access to a full recording studio this year at college if i take that right classes. fingers crossed. i have faith that we could actually put forth some pretty cool **** if we did do a collab. no jokesies.
#12
Quote by #1 synth

Katie (mind if I call you that? ) has pegged my dream genre.


Erm... only my parents call me that...
only in PMs :P:


And yeah, that was a typo, but I was pointing out Zackk's own typo of saying or as oppose to of lol

I mean I have a shoddy recording device that attaches to my ipod and i have audacity. but I might get access to a full recording studio this year at college if i take that right classes. fingers crossed. i have faith that we could actually put forth some pretty cool **** if we did do a collab. no jokesies.


That sounds cool. Maybe you could beg Kyle to give you his Mixcraft password? That's how I record the stuff on my profile. That and a USB mic. Perfectly workable. It'd be some pretty awesome ****.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#13
thats amazing
My Deviantart

Great Minds Think Alike
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You sigged me, AND had an idea the same as mine!
I like you.

About my Lady Gaga/Pokemon parody
Quote by Mike50227
XD not bad

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You're my hero.

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I must say, i love it!