#1
Christmas seems closer than it ever has,
but I don't want it to come.
A year, they said, more or less.
Better than a week, a guess.

The news was bittersweet, in that sense
Like a box of chocolates you bought for yourself
The taste numbs the feeling
But it remains; what could have been.

The phone is filled with the voices of family,
calling with whims of false sympathy,
as if they really cared for me,
but I can't blame them.

Making peace with themselves,
so when they think of me,
they feel no guilt or shame,
I'm still not sure if "nothing" is a feeling.

As I leave this world behind,
I just lay back and smile.
Thinking of all the things I haven't done,
and recounting that which I have.

Bittersweet, being comforted by strangers,
dying in a bed, surrounded by those I just met.
Maybe this way, I think, I'll leave my mark.
My family still hasn't arrived, I remain stoic.

Choking on the very air,
that I cherished for all these years.
The world grows dimmer. Dimmer.
Darkness.

It was a snowy christmas this year.
I smiled as I lay in my coffin,
clutching the box of chocolates,
that I bought for myself.

Kind of long, C4C as always.

Quote by Ur all $h1t
I stick stuff in my pee hole.

Gear:

Schecter C-1 Classic
Ibanez S670PB
Stratocaster MIM Standard
Marshall MG30 (its purple )
Dunlop Crybaby Wah
Last edited by Wulphy at Aug 6, 2009,
#2
Quote by Wulphy
Christmas seems closer than it ever has,
but I don't want it to come.
A year, they said, more or less.
Better than a week, a guess.

The second line of this stanza sounds a bit simplistic. I get the feeling that you could say more with it. The rhyme of the last two lines is great, in the way that it seems natural rather than forced. I do think you could slightly change the structure of the last line though.

The news was bittersweet, in that sense
Like a box of chocolates you bought for yourself
The taste numbs the feeling
But it remains; what could have been.

This part is great. Keep it, or at most make superficial changes. Even without the title, I get the sense that the 'box of chocolates you bought for yourself' metaphor is central to the piece.


The phone is filled with the voices of family,
calling with whims of false sympathy,
as if they really cared for me,
but I can't blame them.

I'll just say that I can completely relate to this stanza and you capture it perfectly.

Making peace with themselves,
so when they think of me,
they feel no guilt or shame,
I'm still not sure if "nothing" is a feeling.

I doubt anyone will ever be sure if "nothing" is a feeling. Great line.

As I leave this world behind,
I just lay back and smile.
Thinking of all the things I haven't done,
and recounting that which I have.

This stanza doesn't really seem to be doing anything. It's more than a bit cliche, too, which is especially annoying since you're so original elsewhere in the poem. I would suggest changing it considerably or eliminating it altogether.

Bittersweet, being comforted by strangers,
dying in a bed, surrounded by those I just met.
Maybe this way, I think, I'll leave my mark.
My family still hasn't arrived, I remain stoic.

I don't completely get the feeling you're trying to convey here. Did the narrator expect his/her family to come? Did he/she wish they had? Is it sad, regretful, or merely accepting? The third line doesn't seem to be doing a whole lot, maybe you could use it to make this clearer.

Choking on the very air,
that I cherished for all these years.
The world grows dimmer. Dimmer.
Darkness.

Like the fifth stanza, this one also seems pretty unoriginal and cliche. It could basically be replaced by "I'm dying." It's obviously important to the piece, but you could probably say more here.

It was a snowy christmas this year.
I smiled as I lay in my coffin,
clutching the box of chocolates,
that I bought for myself.

Great ending here, especially the last two lines and the way they tie back to the beginning to wrap the piece together.

Kind of long, C4C as always.

Comments in bold.

Overall, I thought it was great. A few weak spots here and there, but judging from the piece as a whole, you are definitely capable of improving them. I'm really surprised that I'm the first one to comment. It was an intriguing read.

One other thing: I think the title sells the piece a bit short. Yeah, it relates to the subject matter, but it's not really unique or attention-grabbing, like the work as a whole.
kill all humans
#3
Quote by alaskan_ninja
Comments in bold.

Overall, I thought it was great. A few weak spots here and there, but judging from the piece as a whole, you are definitely capable of improving them. I'm really surprised that I'm the first one to comment. It was an intriguing read.

One other thing: I think the title sells the piece a bit short. Yeah, it relates to the subject matter, but it's not really unique or attention-grabbing, like the work as a whole.


Thank you very much, my friend. After I get back from work, I'll do a full critique of your peice.
Quote by Ur all $h1t
I stick stuff in my pee hole.

Gear:

Schecter C-1 Classic
Ibanez S670PB
Stratocaster MIM Standard
Marshall MG30 (its purple )
Dunlop Crybaby Wah
#4
Christmas seems closer than it ever has,
but I don't want it to come.
A year, they said, more or less.
Better than a week, a guess.

I have to admit, I hate how you rhymed less with guess, because it seems forced. But otherwise, it's good.

The news was bittersweet, in that sense
Like a box of chocolates you bought for yourself
The taste numbs the feeling
But it remains; what could have been.

The first three lines are excellent and imaginative, but the last was really weak in comparison. Word it differently, if you could.

The phone is filled with the voices of family,
calling with whims of false sympathy,
as if they really cared for me,
but I can't blame them.

Making peace with themselves,
so when they think of me,
they feel no guilt or shame,
I'm still not sure if "nothing" is a feeling.

Eh. Weaker than the rest of the piece. It's worded well, but it's just a little expected. But the last line of these two stanzas is great.

As I leave this world behind,
I just lay back and smile.
Thinking of all the things I haven't done,
and recounting that which I have.

Didn't like this, because of the cliche-ness underlying it.

Bittersweet, being comforted by strangers,
dying in a bed, surrounded by those I just met.
Maybe this way, I think, I'll leave my mark.
My family still hasn't arrived, I remain stoic.

Once again, I like the first three lines, but the last one seems far weaker and clumsy.

Choking on the very air,
that I cherished for all these years.
The world grows dimmer. Dimmer.
Darkness.

Good. Don't repeat "dimmer," and take darkness out, if you could.

It was a snowy christmas this year.
I smiled as I lay in my coffin,
clutching the box of chocolates,
that I bought for myself.

Strangely, this time I disliked the first line, and thought the other three were great.

All in all, I enjoyed this piece. It seems a bit overextended and lengthy, and the four line structure gets repetitive, but there's some really good description underneath. The metaphors are nice. If you edited it a bit, it would be much stronger and enjoyable.
#5
This had potential, but fell short on a lot of fronts.

1) Your rhymes and structure. Some of the rhymes were just awful and forced and ugly. less, with "a guess"... ugh. As to structure, the constant 4 lines hard break, 4 lines hard break made this feel extremely daunting and much longer than it actually is.

2) General execution. What ideas you did have, were hidden behind half painted images and a toneless delivery. I should have heard a rise and fall in the way the words presented themselves. It just came out so cold and emotionless... which is something that will fix itself with practice and time.

3) Links between stanzas. Each stanza was self-centered, self-contained. It doesn't do anything for making the piece "read down the page." The cold, hard breaks between thoughts made the read "jumpy" and harsh to the reader. Try tying the stanzas together a little better; let the thoughts flow and it will make the read seem not so long and emotionless.

Right now your piece reads like this (choppy... lots of content, nothing, lots of content, nothing... no connection between peaks):


and you need to find a medium more like this (everything builds on itself, creating a smooth read with solid content all the way through, building to a point):



/playing with new program for mathematical modeling & critique.
#6
ZanasCross man, your visual aids have helped me greatly.
Quote by Ur all $h1t
I stick stuff in my pee hole.

Gear:

Schecter C-1 Classic
Ibanez S670PB
Stratocaster MIM Standard
Marshall MG30 (its purple )
Dunlop Crybaby Wah
#8
Quote by ZanasCross
lol, even if they didn't. I had fun creating an equation that would plot with those styles; so it was win-win.

Hope what I said at least makes sense though.


No, it does, and I appreciate it. Even I feel that this peice is shoddy, I like my others far more. This was a fling at work, and I just wanted some feedback. And after reading that rhyme in the first stanza, I cringed
Quote by Ur all $h1t
I stick stuff in my pee hole.

Gear:

Schecter C-1 Classic
Ibanez S670PB
Stratocaster MIM Standard
Marshall MG30 (its purple )
Dunlop Crybaby Wah