#1
So, i used to hang around this forum quite a bit, posting poems and such back when i wrote a fair amount, though looking back i can't be sure on the quality of it! Anyway, i haven't written poetry in a good long while, and this one just jumped out of me so i thought i'd create another profile and see what you lot thought. Who knows, maybe more will leap out at me over the summer!
I'll get to work reading and commenting on some others on here, hopefully i will receive some replies.


The pendulum creaks
With a shattering innevitability
Engrained in its hard-bound rosewood shell.
A volumous offering,
Proposed in near silence,
Of the settling of daddy-long-legs
And his vast array of webbed manor houses.

He resides quite comfortably in fact,
With the company of his
'Black-Eyed Dog' softly,
Monotonously growling at the foot of the fireplace;
Ornate, yet harrowingly chilling.

Despite this flamboyance it is perfectly plain
That the bite of daddy-long-legs
Can no more host Gatsby-esque parties
Than it can inflict pain.
#2
The pendulum creaks
With a shattering innevitability
Engrained in its hard-bound rosewood shell.
A volumous offering,
Proposed in near silence,
Of the settling of daddy-long-legs
And his vast array of webbed manor houses.

Extremely well written, your use of language is astounding.

He resides quite comfortably in fact,
With the company of his
'Black-Eyed Dog' softly,
Monotonously growling at the foot of the fireplace;
Ornate, yet harrowingly chilling.

"'Black-Eyed Dog' softly" Didn't quite grasp that line. Clarify?

Despite this flamboyance it is perfectly plain
That the bite of daddy-long-legs
Can no more host Gatsby-esque parties
Than it can inflict pain.

Awesome ending, I love how you wrapped it up.

All in all, extremely good peice. I really enjoyed reading it

C4C? My peices are on the first page somewhere.
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#3
This is a very beautiful piece and very nice to listen to
Hope you write some more real soon
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#4
I decided to read this when I saw some of your mysterious posts in some of my favorite writer's threads here. I'm a sucker for mystery, see.

The pendulum creaks
With a shattering innevitability
Engrained in its hard-bound rosewood shell.
A volumous offering,
Proposed in near silence,
Of the settling of daddy-long-legs
And his vast array of webbed manor houses.

First of all, let me say - your ability to create an image in the head of the reader is uncanny. The dark tone is excellent as well. After reading it over and over, the only criticism I can make is that inevitability is only spelt with one "n." That, and if I was being nitpicky, I think that "hard rosewood shell" would sound better. How can something be bound in hard, after all?

He resides quite comfortably in fact,
With the company of his
'Black-Eyed Dog' softly,
Monotonously growling at the foot of the fireplace;
Ornate, yet harrowingly chilling.

Once again, the imagery is excellent. I don't think that the quotation marks around black-eyed dog are neccessary, though. Also, "harrowingly chilling" seems awkwardly worded.

Despite this flamboyance it is perfectly plain
That the bite of daddy-long-legs
Can no more host Gatsby-esque parties
Than it can inflict pain.

I love the reference to The Great Gatsby. The rhyme of the first and fourth line is great too, even though "pain" and "plain" are one letter away from being the same word, which would normally nag at me. The alliteration in the first line is subtle but sweet as well.

All in all, it's an amazing piece. I can't believe I haven't read you before this. Then again, you just signed up in August 09...

Your writing style seems familiar though...I think that I might have lurked here back when I was first signed up and read one of your pieces, since you said you'd been here before.

Ah, well. Crit Stars in my sig if you have the time. The first part is weaker than the second, I know, but I'd like some more feedback on improving it. I might make a song out of it, see.
Last edited by punkforlife93 at Aug 6, 2009,
#6
Quote by cdpuk
So, i used to hang around this forum quite a bit, posting poems and such back when i wrote a fair amount, though looking back i can't be sure on the quality of it! Anyway, i haven't written poetry in a good long while, and this one just jumped out of me so i thought i'd create another profile and see what you lot thought.



You guys should have realised not to crit a multi.


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The number you hope for at the moment you throw the dice, is the one you'll want to keep.