#1
This is the Seventeenth entry into my songwriting diary (I picked it up from morrisons pretty cheaply). It aids me in my pursuit of writing songs. As before I was unable to write songs because I had nothing to write songs into.

Gently it fluttered.
Like a great big.
And.
As you walked and thought your bag.
Shoot the breeze you said
So breezily I shot upon my semi-leaf.
Does it matter what the Cigarette thinks?
Cup, she said. And how!
I shouted down the long, winding biscuit.
To my frustration,
the amount of frustration in my mouth is unquestionably lots.
Arrrrrrrgh! She shouted, the!
And granted me permission to lie down and take a short break.

Big Dramatic Hook/Chorus Line/The Fun Part of the song (needs work?)

One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
She counted and we all danced the dance of life.

The great wind of china took'end it.
To a life of great happiness and poverty.
Out of the darkness come.
And.
You need a big long bullet that goes down the slidey slide.
It slips and slithers and crawls around in the chair.
Of your hair, because stuff is great and stuff.
Get out! You ginger tosser.
It won't become your house in twelve weeks because your buttercup.

Repeat chorus and stuff. (Needs work?)

Please crit and I will crit you back.
#2
Quote by brothersholden
This is the Seventeenth entry into my songwriting diary (I picked it up from morrisons pretty cheaply). It aids me in my pursuit of writing songs. As before I was unable to write songs because I had nothing to write songs into.

Gently it fluttered.
Like a great big.
And.
As you walked and thought your bag.
Shoot the breeze you said
So breezily I shot upon my semi-leaf.
Does it matter what the Cigarette thinks?
Cup, she said. And how!
I shouted down the long, winding biscuit.
To my frustration,
the amount of frustration in my mouth is unquestionably lots.
Arrrrrrrgh! She shouted, the!
And granted me permission to lie down and take a short break.

I enjoyed this part immensely. I especially loved the line "Does it matter what the cigarette thinks?" I thought that was quite clever.


Big Dramatic Hook/Chorus Line/The Fun Part of the song (needs work?)

One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
She counted and we all danced the dance of life.

Possibly expand on the "dance of life" idea, could be an interesting twist. Other than that it seems like a solid stanza.


The great wind of china took'end it.
To a life of great happiness and poverty.
Out of the darkness come.
And.
You need a big long bullet that goes down the slidey slide.
It slips and slithers and crawls around in the chair.
Of your hair, because stuff is great and stuff.
Get out! You ginger tosser.
It won't become your house in twelve weeks because your buttercup.


This part was great, except for the "of your hair, because stuff is great and stuff" what is great and why? Those are two questions you could want to answer. Or you could change that line, it seems somewhat juvenile.

Repeat chorus and stuff. (Needs work?)

Please crit and I will crit you back.



Overall, its a solid peice with a few minor issues that are holding it back. I enjoyed it thoroughly otherwise. Crit one of mine? The url's in the sig. Thanks!
Too lazy to come up with a clever or relevant sig.
#3
Quote by brothersholden
This is the Seventeenth entry into my songwriting diary (I picked it up from morrisons pretty cheaply). It aids me in my pursuit of writing songs. As before I was unable to write songs because I had nothing to write songs into.

Gently it fluttered.
Like a great big.
And.
As you walked and thought your bag.
Shoot the breeze you said
So breezily I shot upon my semi-leaf.
Does it matter what the Cigarette thinks?
Cup, she said. And how!
I shouted down the long, winding biscuit.
To my frustration,
the amount of frustration in my mouth is unquestionably lots.
Arrrrrrrgh! She shouted, the!
And granted me permission to lie down and take a short break.

Really interesting use of language here. Reading it is a bit confusing, but fun. It would be interesting to see what it would sound like when set to music.

The third-to-last and last lines here are the only ones that maybe could be improved upon. The third-to-last just seems unnecessarily awkward and wordy. "Unquestionably lots" could maybe work, but have you tried different ways of wording it? I think it could be better. For the last line, the "take a short break" part likewise seems like it could be worded better. You might be best served by changing at least one of those bits.


Big Dramatic Hook/Chorus Line/The Fun Part of the song (needs work?)

One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
She counted and we all danced the dance of life.

For something that's supposed to be all big and dramatic and stuff, "dance of life" seems far too cliche, especially seeing what you are capable of with regards to twisting language in new and unique ways. Try to do there whatever it was you did near the beginning of the piece.

The great wind of china took'end it.
To a life of great happiness and poverty.
Out of the darkness come.
And.
You need a big long bullet that goes down the slidey slide.
It slips and slithers and crawls around in the chair.
Of your hair, because stuff is great and stuff.
Get out! You ginger tosser.
It won't become your house in twelve weeks because your buttercup.

This stanza/verse is very interesting, even more so than the first. I sort of want to hold off judgment on this because depending on the situation, it could work amazingly well, or completely flop. You seem to know what you're doing, so I'm guessing that you've got a plan for all this, in regards to the music and whatnot.

The "because stuff is great and stuff" bit especially intrigues me. I guess it exemplifies what I was talking about in that it could work wonderfully or sound awful depending on how you do it.


Repeat chorus and stuff. (Needs work?)

Please crit and I will crit you back.
Comments in bold.

Overall, the piece has a striking uniqueness to it. You obviously have a vision that you are working toward. Given that, the bits that might not seem quite right written could very probably turn out wonderfully later. The only real thing I would suggest is get rid of the "dance of life" bit and replace it with a less cliche phrase, something that fits in with the originality of the piece as a whole.


Can I has C4C? Link is in my sig. It is the blue one.
kill all humans