#1
soo last night i had this inspiration strike and i wrote this in 10 min, even tho i havent wrote anything for the past 3 months or so..

anyway this is a rough version and it needs work... not sure about the title, but however...

here we go.

V1
This guy works out everyday
just so he could fish,
but the jocks stay in his way
dont let him eat their dish.

V2
(Buys) a guitar, takes a picture
of the rockstar he now is.
No success, sorry mister
bad investment, didn't get a kiss

V3
He decides to be a man.
Cars and guns are his 1st love.
His airsoft gun is worth a grand.
He keeps saying he is rough!

V4
Now the girls don't give a damn,
they don't fall for him.
He is doing the best he can,
he's a man, a rockstar and he's slim!

C:
Don't be yourself
Be someone else
Be the thing people want you to
cause if you do so,
they will love you more!
They will follow you everywhere you go!


that's it. not sure about the order, but like i said it needs some work. Leave a link next to your comment and i'll crit

Best regards
Quote by Moggan13
Serjem is like a Bishops testicals: Swollen
ಠ_ಠ
IIIIfb * KARKOLI * ytIIII(mostly rock... a little funky, a little hard just the way you want it )
#2
I liked the concept... when I worked out where it was going.
The phrasing sounds rather contrived and needs a lot of work. The lead up is the better part, though.
The end verse about needing to be someone else so people will love you currently reads awfully. To get your point across (well, the one I think you're trying to get across) you should try to make it sound more ironic, bitter or resigned. At the moment it reminds me of an RE video trying to tell me that I'm great as I am, but I need to find God and act the way I'm told to be a good/successful person (though obviously with a different theme).
He likes Keats but she's into Yeats - it's a matter of Romance

E-Mistress to UG's Finest Gentleman


Come away, oh human child,
To the waters and the wild
With a fairy hand in hand;
For the world's more full of weeping than you can understand.