#1
As a vagrant finds shelter in a bottle,
he is astounded by the lack of rain
that had poured down on him,
even on sunny days.

He is so distracted by this change,
that he doesn't notice the grime
on the tinted windows,
of his newfound home.

Gaze peircing the glass,
he stares into the outside world
that is muted and dimmed,
by his newfound home.

Soon forgetting the memories,
that troubled him while in the rain
he burns his mental scrapbook,
inside his newfound home.

Even as eyes peered through,
his now aged and tattered windows
he does not recognize his own flesh and blood,
through the grime of his newfound home.

The eyes fill with concern and love,
and convey the need to help the vagrant
but there are no doors,
in his newfound home.


C4C, as always
Quote by Ur all $h1t
I stick stuff in my pee hole.

Gear:

Schecter C-1 Classic
Ibanez S670PB
Stratocaster MIM Standard
Marshall MG30 (its purple )
Dunlop Crybaby Wah
Last edited by Wulphy at Aug 7, 2009,
#2
I've read quite a few of the posts in the S&L threads, and this was one of my favorites by a considerable amount. I loved the theme and how you kept it clear but subtle, and how you were creative with describing how the vagrant is feeling and what he's doing.

The only thing to consider working on, IMO, is that "in his newfound home" is used a bit much. In the first verse ending with the rain pouring on him "even on sunny days", I think that's a great line to finish the verse, but each other verse ends with "..newfound home". I just think you stifle your creativity by using that line in the rest of the song. Maybe replace one or two of those (I suggest verses 3 and 4) with a line like "..mental scrapbook/and says goodbye one more time". Just to change it up a bit.

Overall, I think it's a great piece, I look forward to seeing more from you!

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#3
Quote by Wulphy

As a vagrant finds shelter in a bottle,
he is astounded by the lack of rain
that had poured down on him,
even on sunny days.

Great first verse. Very relatable, for me at least. Really hits home.

He is so distracted by this change,
that he doesn't notice the grime
on the tinted windows,
Love the two lines above, great imagery.
of his newfound home.

Gaze peircing the glass,
he stares into the outside world
that is muted and dimmed,
More images that really pack a punch in your mind. Especially the "muted and dimmed" part.
by his newfound home.

Soon forgetting the memories,
that troubled him while in the rain
he burns his mental scrapbook,
This is awesome writing.
inside his newfound home.

Even as eyes peered through,
his now aged and tattered windows
he does not recognize his own flesh and blood,
Love these lines.
through the grime of his newfound home.

The eyes fill with concern and love,
and convey the need to help the vagrant
but there are no doors,
in his newfound home.
I feel like this last verse needs a little work, I think it'd be better with more of that imagery from the other verses.


I have to agree with what lafrtl27 said too, I think you should change the constant use of newfound home. But, on the other side, I love how this song has no chorus. It's an awesome piece, keep up the good work.
Peta, talking to the dead, stranger danger, alt. medicine, the war on drugs, recycling, esp, conspiracy theories, and gun control are all BULLSHIT...if you've seen the show you know what I'm talking about.
#4
Thanks

And yeah, after rereading it, the repetitive ending is just annoying, I'll have to change it.
Quote by Ur all $h1t
I stick stuff in my pee hole.

Gear:

Schecter C-1 Classic
Ibanez S670PB
Stratocaster MIM Standard
Marshall MG30 (its purple )
Dunlop Crybaby Wah
#5
I liked it. all of it.
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