#1
Well, the song's pretty self explanatory, haha, I just wanted to get it all out so I sat down and in about five minutes wrote the first verse and chorus and built from there.

I'm new to this whole "share what you write thing" but am open to suggestions and whatnot. Just tell me what you think =]


I don't know you but I know I want you to want me
At a time like this all I get's a little crazy
I've done it before, I'll do it again
There's no high or low that I haven't been
I'm feeling alone, so I'll make you wanna get closer now

I've found I'm sick to say
I'm crazy bout the way
I've tricked myself into thinking
You're what's best for me
I'm haunted by the sound
Of silence so now I never want to be unwanted

Unwanted

I'm feeling alive but I know that it will pass
It comes and it goes, oh it never lasts
I'm coming undone, but it's all in my head
As I try to remember what it was you said
About being alone and how I never am

I've found I'm sick to say
I'm crazy bout the way
I've tricked myself into thinking
You're what's best for me
I'm haunted by the sound
Of silence so now I never want to be unwanted

Unwanted
Unwanted
Unwanted

Don't try to understand me
I wont try to explain
It's the sick, sick science of falling down
Without a chance of coming clean
BITCH, IMA LEAD FARMER

Read 'Em =]
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[thread="1177989"]Unwanted[/thread]
[thread="1179087"]Rude Awakening[/thread]
#3
Folk.


Nah, I've got a pretty metal riff and solo goin for it. I'm not gonna lie, it sounds pretty neat all played together.
BITCH, IMA LEAD FARMER

Read 'Em =]
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[thread="1177989"]Unwanted[/thread]
[thread="1179087"]Rude Awakening[/thread]
#4
I don't know you but I know I want you to want me Kinda weird start... I get it though. I likey.
At a time like this all I get's a little crazy
I've done it before, I'll do it again
There's no high or low that I haven't been
I'm feeling alone, so I'll make you wanna get closer now Nice start, gets the reader/listener into the picture.

I've found I'm sick to say
I'm crazy bout the way
I've tricked myself into thinking
You're what's best for me
I'm haunted by the sound
Of silence so now I never want to be unwanted Flow was hard to find here, but if you can make it work... cool. Lyrics were good.

Unwanted

I'm feeling alive but I know that it will pass
It comes and it goes, oh it never lasts
I'm coming undone, but it's all in my head
As I try to remember what it was you said
About being alone and how I never am

I've found I'm sick to say
I'm crazy bout the way
I've tricked myself into thinking
You're what's best for me Really strong to this point, lyrically and flow-wise.
I'm haunted by the sound
Of silence so now I never want to be unwanted Last two lines were a bit off to me, but it's just a flow thing for me. If you can get it to flow, go for it.

Unwanted
Unwanted
Unwanted (very) Short, to the point, I'm thinking solo after this if there is one?

Don't try to understand me
I wont try to explain
It's the sick, sick science of falling down
Without a chance of coming clean Didn't get this stanza, rhymes/flow worked but I'm not understanding what you're trying to say. Oh well, probs me being slow.


Overall: Solid, I wouldn't rely on the lyrics as the strong point of this piece though. Apart from the first stanza, it doesn't really have much "bite" to it lyrically.

Crit for crit in sig if you're into that, I'm not fussed as to which.
#5
First of all, thanks again for the crit..
I like the song, I can relate to it.. quite a bit strong and good lines, I like how the story reveals itself bit by bit. Very good, I'll keep an eye on your threads
#6
Quote by MopMaster
Overall: Solid, I wouldn't rely on the lyrics as the strong point of this piece though. Apart from the first stanza, it doesn't really have much "bite" to it lyrically.

Crit for crit in sig if you're into that, I'm not fussed as to which.


Haha I know it's not brilliantly creative. I was in quite a state the other day, though, and thought I'd get it down one way or another. Thanks though man =]
BITCH, IMA LEAD FARMER

Read 'Em =]
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[thread="1177989"]Unwanted[/thread]
[thread="1179087"]Rude Awakening[/thread]
#7
is it gonna have some screams becuase i think even if you don't want all screams some parts with screaming would really bring out the emotion of the song
#8
Quote by perfectchaos23
is it gonna have some screams becuase i think even if you don't want all screams some parts with screaming would really bring out the emotion of the song

Yessir it will =]
Not really full blown screams til the end, though. Mostly partial ones.
BITCH, IMA LEAD FARMER

Read 'Em =]
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[thread="1177989"]Unwanted[/thread]
[thread="1179087"]Rude Awakening[/thread]
#9
the first line sort of messes with me a bit im not really sure how you would sing the vocal melody without going really pop but i guess its pretty cool ,definitely has a lunatica vibe to it, i think for your solo you could have a slow minor sounding lead rather than crazy shredding
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#10
I like it, it gets edgy as i read it. I just don't bode well with the very last two lines. I like that the lyrics had a point where you said "your whats best for me" meaning that even though you know that you were writing about a subject on being "unwanted" you took it further by telling us what you know you want, while still being unwanted. Excuse my jumbled vocab ha.