#1
This is my first entry! I write for my band, and we use alot of strange stops and go's that will completely change the motion of the song (math rock? Also, I'll probs post finished songs from the band in the Promote forum or on preceeding posts), so that is why the lyrics have strange rhyme schemes or no rhyme scheme (but I still focus on the writing alot, since nothing is worse than a song with horrible lyrics!). This was also written in a paragraph type form so some of the lines might look strange due to the transition. A couple lines I'm going to go back too, so I can review and make changes (criticism is welcome!). THERE IS NO CHORUS

Sitting by the ambulance entrance
Where there is a break from emergencies
Only makes the moment more tense
Parking lot arguements
With no solutions
Parking lot arguements
Drowning in amusement

I'm jobless so I'm always getting up on time
I'm hopeless, so no, I don't really like leaving these pick-up lines
"Hey sexy lips,
How do you like the carbon monoxide emitting from our mouths,
Entering our nostrils,
And traveling south?"

The telling of the story missed what it was about
The protagonist died halfway through
So he should have stopped shooting his mouth off

Well from the time my head hits my pillow
Till the time it rises
Shows where the hurt deep inside resides
This is the sense of HAHAHAPPINESS
I sleep to remember
I sleep to feel HAHAHAPPINESS
Slide in between the sheets at night

Well, use your radio antenna to dial in
And forget about what happened
They took all the money
And left none uncounted
And still can't find that sense of HAHAHAPPINESS
That begins where you started after all

Something will die and you'll realize it happens quite often
Something will keep living and you'll realize it doesn't happen often
You'll keep thinking about everything and realize it's only about one thing: oxygen

The building's on fire
Basement is flooded
And we couldn't be happier
How content I feel with nothing
And how it gives me the sense of something.
Last edited by Mutmoo at Aug 8, 2009,
#2
Something will die and you'll realize it happens quite often
Something will keep living and you'll realize it doesn't happen often

reflects the end of parting of the sensory by modest mouse way too much. if you threw in the word carbon somewhere in there its almost the same thing.


'How content I feel with nothing
And how it gives me the senses of something.'

that was the highlight of this, everything else was pretty blah. not terrible, but nothing worth remembering.
#3
Yeah, I did notice how much it reflected Parting of The Sensory. Hell, even the part I'm writing for the band goes down into a percussion breakdown basically. I'm trying to work those lyrics into something else that will portray the same imagery.
#4
"Something will die and you'll realize it happens quite often
Something will keep living and you'll realize it doesn't happen often
You'll keep thinking about everything and realize it's only about one thing: oxygen"

- I don't think "oxygen" is necessary. Leave it to the reader to decide.

Everything else was very nice writing. The first verse's odd flow and rhythme wasn't an easy place to start, but once it gets going, I thoroughly enjoyed it and don't really have anything to criticize.

Thank you for getting to mine.