#1
tentative piece.


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there are lines along this pavement, yellow in color, juxtaposed against the blue of the sky,
that will never meet because they're not supposed to. because maybe cars will crash
and people will cease to exist. so i withhold any last trace of effort to join us together,
because someone might be shoved cheekbones and all into the three-inch space of the passenger window
where the rubber wheel meets a broken shard of plexi-glass, and that person might be you.
i don't tell you this, but sometimes i want to make the car crash anyway, 
even if you and I are mother and child sitting opposite each other,
or lovers in mid-kiss before we are jolted out of our embrace
and sent careening our seperate ways. where there's a big 'x' smear in the right place
you'll know it's me. and i'll know it's you because you will be riding inside a black Passat
at precisely the wrong moment.

But this is you and me; a perfect pair of snowshoes crossed diagonally,
[color="Black"]f[/COLOR]uck the accident, [color="Black"]f[/COLOR]uck the thoughts of careening through spacious unforgiving air
and landing on hard concrete. 'if you ever really cared about me, 
you would've caught me in middair, but you had to kill yourself too'.



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sorry for expanding your screens, ya'll.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
Last edited by Laces Out Danny at Aug 10, 2009,
#2
something about this made me melt. i don't know what, yet.

ily, hans
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#3
Jesus, just jesus. This was so intelligently and perfectly written. Each line tugged a different heart string, struck a different nerve. Up until now, you've struck me as enjoyable, good, maybe even great, but this, this is going straight to the poolroom (sadly only Nate would get that). My god this was amazing. The only line i felt tripped it a bit was
"where there's a big 'x' smear in the right place
you'll know it's me."
a bit of a flow issue. But seriously, just damn, man, damn.
#7
I think this is the best thing I've read on here. Definitely my favourite, congrats.
-

#8
I would like to say first that I was impressed with this and really enjoyed it.

Quote by Laces Out Danny
tentative piece.

there are many lines along this pavement, I'd consider dropping the word many


This was good in the way you captured desperation and the thoughts we keep to ourselves.

I would last like to say I look forward to your continued improvement.

If you feel like a couple words on pt. 2 in my sig thatd be cool but not necessary
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
Last edited by jiminizzle at Aug 9, 2009,
#9
I wish the lines had been shorter. Felt like it couldn't decide between being poetry and prose. But that's your call. This was complex and smooth and captures many of the sensations and textures of writing that I strive for but can never achieve... great job.

NINJAedit: Congratulations!
Last edited by Hesh at Aug 9, 2009,
#12
thanks for the comments guys


@jiminizzle: I feellike I have to leave in the word "many", because it makes me think of "a sea of lines along the pavement", or the image of a large expanse of horizon on which the street is in. But it might read better without.

I'll get to yours soon.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#13
Hey. Ta for the crit on my last.


and people will cease to exist. so i withhold any last trace of effort to join us together,

After reading the whole piece, it seemed to me that you would have to try harder than just witholding the "last trace of effort" to be together with this person. I suggest creating an altogether more difficult struggle, as how you have put it here seems a little easier than it seems by the end, when the wanting to be together is very strong. "withholding any last trace" is easy; something a little more diffuclt will get the tragedy of the last lines in better perspective, I feel. Hope you catch my drift.

because someone might be shoved cheekbones and all into the three-inch space in the passenger window
"of" the passenger window instead of "in". The repeat of into/in in close proximity read a little ugly, and "something OF something" is a little neater description in my eyes, than "something IN something", when describing. Idk, thoughts.

or lovers in mid-kiss, before we are jolted out of our embrace
I'd take out the comma here, and let the feelings flow more. With the pause, again it seems like this is being said in a more relaxed, controlled way without much pain. Take out the comma and you have a much more paniced, car-crash like rhythm to the read.

and sent careening our seperate ways. where there's a big 'x' smear in the right place
Reading this brings me back to the "juxtapostion of lines" of earlier and really gets me thinkings. That these two lines could read together; or seperately. Maybe I was going to far into this, but it caught my eye and made me think.


you would've caught me in middair, but you had to kill yourself too'.
Stone-throwing end.


Good read. A few bits I pointed out where just there to bring things to your attention, maybe, that cold be changed or not.

Have a pleasant day.

Ta.
#14
thanks for the crit jammydude

I think "withhold any last trace of effort" equates to the vanquishing of the last light of hope, to "give in", although I can see where you're getting at. I can't think of anything to replace it right now though.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#17
Read. Respected. Enjoyed.
Critique will be on your next one.
Promises meant a lot back then.
#18
I'm not much for the unnecessary swearing. Yes, it's how we feel and it is reality and therefore it is pure and authentic, infallible for it's passion. But that's not quite what the author seems to be going for, as the elegance of objectivism slides in next to our culprit, our sinner, our defiler.

I do enjoy the considerate lover, ironic betrayal perspective, but it's always with the best intentions that we take those routes, trying not to consider the possibilities for which she would have been more right, and those intentions result in our deserved and gracefully-accepted misery almost exclusively. And it is this series of decisions that occupies our mind in every subsequent tragedy.
#19
A-Mofuggin-Amazing!!!!! Well written, got the point across, clever and fun to read.
Too lazy to come up with a clever or relevant sig.