#1
This is the 3rd song I've written, and the 1st I'm posting here. Just looking for some feedback from you guys, cheers. The song is brought in a Metal/Deathcore tone so there is quite some screaming and grunting going on.


Silhouette


My solitude in your presence,
A forebode of deceit.
Your pathetic excuses and composure,
Reflected in your eyes.
It only seemed to fuel,
A misogynist within,
As I slowly realize that I’m
COMBUSTING.

The ruptured heart’s guidance, set the mind ablaze.
Cold steel caressed her neck, a frail embrace.
As gentle words soothe her downfall, and panic grasps her thoughts.
With a gaze of despair, she exhales her last breath
On her warm red lips, our love was solemnized.

Liberation painted red on my hands.
Fragments of history,
Like the hourglass’ sand,
Slipping through my fingers,
As I contemplate
How it felt to smile again.
On the curtains my silhouette stands,
As it regained its pride.

The repercussions of being dragged,
Along a path of procrastination
And mental regression.
Flooded by moonlight,
My mind adapts,
For the shade you once cast,
Will now reside forever,
As a shade of red
On the palm of my hands.

My Youtube Page

I wrote this story so many days ago
and the words kept falling onto pages.
Without the loss we can't go on
and with the loss we became strong.

#2
WHOOT. That got me pumped. You painted such a visual for me and I already liked the lyrics, but that just made them even more enjoyable.

I especially like the third verse and the first two lines of the second verse. Very good =]

It's perfect for the genre of music you're using it for, I was kind of humming along to a tune that kind of jumped out at me and it all flowed. I honestly don't have any criticism for you haha. Very well done.
BITCH, IMA LEAD FARMER

Read 'Em =]
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[thread="1177989"]Unwanted[/thread]
[thread="1179087"]Rude Awakening[/thread]
#3
Quote by barrcode
WHOOT. That got me pumped. You painted such a visual for me and I already liked the lyrics, but that just made them even more enjoyable.

I especially like the third verse and the first two lines of the second verse. Very good =]

It's perfect for the genre of music you're using it for, I was kind of humming along to a tune that kind of jumped out at me and it all flowed. I honestly don't have any criticism for you haha. Very well done.

Haha, thanks a lot! Yeah, when writing I basically first try to picture myself the scenario in a "novelish" kind of way, and afterward proceed to compress it into metaphors and shorter sentences. This might stimulate me to start writing more. Thanks again!

Would you mind if I took a look at your work?

My Youtube Page

I wrote this story so many days ago
and the words kept falling onto pages.
Without the loss we can't go on
and with the loss we became strong.