#1
This just came into mind and took less than twenty minutes to pen and is very rough.It didn't start as the title above but the title expresses the feeling though could easily be modern life sort of Bonnie and Clyde and peer pressure.Musically it moves quite slowly and morose(at least in my mind).

I will be in your arms before the sun dies
I will see into your soul through those dark eyes
Into my dark i will wander
Not alone and not wonder
Never bare set assunder
Together share the thunder

We deserve

I will share your warmth in the sunrise
Our cheeks will touch for time with our last sighs
When we walk we will see
All the lives we could be
And when you look at me
Together we will flee

Forever

In the light thats gone
Were we really wrong
We followed we fitted
Though others embittered
We danced and sang
Slated each pang
Enjoyed to the full
But we didn't rule
Taking our chances
At back stabbing dances
We followed we fitted
While others embittered
We danced and we sang
Slated each pang
Enjoyed to the full
But we didn't rule

I will be in your eyes before the sunrise
I will see into your soul before it's light dies
Into our dark i will wonder
Why we are here left to wander
To our shame set assunder
Together face the thunder

We deserve

In the light thats gone
Were we really wrong
We followed we fitted
Though others were embittered
When we danced and sang
Whilst slating each pang
Enjoying to the full
Playing the fool
Taking those chances
Back stabbing at dances
Following and fitting
All the time embittering
While we danced and sang
Whilst slating each pang
Enjoying to the full
Till now the end of our rule...

I now it's a bit rough but thanks for your time.
#2
Lose the rhymes, they're feeling way too unnatural.
Same advice I just gave chevelle, give me a story and a character to connect with
#3
Quote by greyeyedfire
Lose the rhymes, they're feeling way too unnatural.
Same advice I just gave chevelle, give me a story and a character to connect with


If i lost the rhymes then it would no longer exist,it is not a piece of poetry its a song,it is not meant to evoke some feeling of wow it is simply expressing a feeling i had when i wrote it.Too much time can be spent trying too hard to write something that does not rhyme,sometimes trying too hard just ends reading a load of cack.If you wan't to write poetry or music lyrics or life or anything with feeling the moment it is written is more important than beholden to a ''it must be like this to be good,it must be like that to be good'.
Rhyming has been with us for a long time now and will be with us until we are not here anymore.
IN FACT

UP WITH RHYMING(where suitable) and DOWN WITH CONDESCENDING ATTITUDES (that think only non rhyming often rambling rubbish is interesting or enjoyable to read).

LONG LIVE THE POETS AND SONG WRITERS WHO WRITE THE WAY THEY FEEL RATHER THAN COW DOWN TO THE PEER PRESSURE THAT MADE ME WRITE THE ABOVE PIECE.

LONG LIVE PICKING YOUR NOSE
LONG LIVE SALT AND SHAKE CRISPS
LONG MAY I LIE IN TOMORROW...

Gnight
#4
....
I don't dislike rhyming,
but I do dislike when it is used poorly, as it was here
(every line feels like it was warped so that it would rhyme, and in turn reads awkward)

Quote by lugchris
the moment it is written is more important than beholden to a ''it must be like this to be good,it must be like that to be good'.

Untrue, you're the one saying it must rhyme, I'm the one giving my unbiased opinion that it's not working here.
Also, truly good writing is done in revision, not "in the moment"
(a rule to which there are definitely exceptions, this not being one of them)

As far as being condescending, i wasn't aware that i was, it wasn't my intention to be, and i apologize.
#5
BBBBut why is it used poorly,what is poorly,if you didn't get the overall run of the beat it's just because it's not that simple.This is the first piece i've written that i have sung to anyone,it took as i have said twenty minutes to write yet straight away i could sing it,it doesn't have to be clever,it doesn't have to be bat out of hell but i will stand before this piece more strongly than i have ever stood for anything i have written before.It is simple,it is as it is and it may not be your thing but it actually works(hallabloodylooya)
It is not a work of literrary geniouse (my spellings going awol) it's simple and heaven forbid it 's blinking full of rhyme but that's the way it's supposed to be,it is that beast.
I really don't mind your crits it just reafirms (spelling gone awol again) that it is worth critting.
For me tomorrow it will just be yet another line of scrawl on another piece of paper left to sit with the rest in my attic/loft space until i pop my cloggs and will finally be laid to rest with the rest of lifes garbage.
BBBut again i think you should start using your intelligence to really think a bit further outside the box and realise there's more to life than what's perfect there's also wrong but soooooo right.
AND THIS SONG IS RIGHT...
Many thanks and feel free to reply it makes life more interesting.

Ive just had to add using the edit button

If it doesn't work it doesn't work if a piece of written work is eddited it does not make it better it just makes it different or at best easier to understand.FIRST WRITE IS THE BEST WRITE IT STINKS OF THE FEELING HOWEVER BADLY WRITTEN..
Last edited by lugchris at Aug 8, 2009,
#6
if someone is being condescending, or seemingly so, don't take it personally. this is the way crits are done by a number of people here. it is never anything personal, just business.

i'll edit my post with a critique after i've had some cereral.


edit:

I will be in your arms before the sun dies
There is a strong sense of suddenness in this, like you're trying to tell me something that could well be important, but I don't really care because you haven't built me up to care. In another sense, though, it sets a tone of prowess and resolution. If it continues in such a fashion, fair enough.
I will see into your soul through those dark eyes
I noticed a slightly iffy flow in the first line, but I was determined to believe it was in my head. But this reignites my viewpoint on it: it is also cumbersome on the tongue and the ears. You're using rhyme so blatantly and so proudly, yet you fail to really liven it up with exquisite flow.
Into my dark i will wander
Not alone and not wonder
Never bare set assunder
Together share the thunder
Too much, too soon. It's both confusing and belittling. Why are you rhyming so much? What does it add to the piece? It's all well and good having a 2/4 rhyming scheme going on that is quite audible and “clever”, but if it doesn't have a purpose, it's like mindless shredding; just masturbatory.

We deserve
We deserve what?

I will share your warmth in the sunrise
I like this line.
Our cheeks will touch for time with our last sighs
This has an odd consciousness to it that I can't get into. It's too distant and insecure to fit with the purpose and overt decision in the opening line.
When we walk we will see
All the lives we could be
And when you look at me
Together we will flee
This was fine until the last line. It felt very forced.

Forever
Once again, what?

In the light thats gone
Were we really wrong
Ugh. Sorry, I don't like this at all.
We followed we fitted
Though others embittered
I like the rhyme here – it's not as obvious or direct.
We danced and sang
Slated each pang
“Pang”, in this context, is an ugly term.
Enjoyed to the full
But we didn't rule
Taking our chances
At back stabbing dances
This would really be so much better without the rhyming. There's tension and anger, but it's made childish with clichéd tactics.
We followed we fitted
While others embittered
We danced and we sang
Slated each pang
Enjoyed to the full
But we didn't rule
I'm not vibing those two lines at all.

There were sections I enjoyed, and the theme was nice. But the rhyming scheme was pretentious and often forced. Also, a few noticeable segments didn't really make that much sense. They felt like a sqaure in a triangular slot.

Keep it up, and thank you very much for your thoughts on mine.
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Aug 9, 2009,
#7
Hi just read your reply quite a while after i posted this.
When i wrote and submitted tthis(and replied to your comments)i was quite drunk so i made loads of mistakes starting with the tiltle its not the spanish inquisition its the French Revolution DOH
That might explain a bit more.
It's a story about two people who are not at the top but are high in court as long as they can stay there but it is at the end of the kings reign.
The idea is set in a prison cell the night before the visit to madame guilotine,to which in another cell is his partner and its the morning of exicusion.
wherein
I will be in your arms before the sun dies
I will see into your soul through those dark eyes

first real heads dead in the basket annalogy

In the dark i will wander
not alone and not wonder

I know that in death we will be together and also know why we are being exicuted

Together share the thunder

We deserve

It's about knowing why the masses are baying for our blood and it's because we really only cared about ourselves

I will share your warmth in the sunrise
Our cheeks will touch with our last sighs

Heads in the basket again not neccaserily together but in the mind

When you look at me
Together we will flee

Forever

Prepared for the end and looking for the afterlife

In the light that's gone
Were we really wrong
We followed we fitted
Though others embittered

Simply the French court under his madgesty was untouchable and exsessive and fuelled resentment from the masses but was a line that as a part of the court you would have to follow or be excluded

I think know i have cleared up the original mistake which was the first one'the title' it might explain itself a bit more.I don't see this as a song that people would buy to listen too as a song,i see it more as an ending to maybe a docu drama where you have been filled in with the life details and will be a part of the program as the camera fades out.
I think the rest is know a bit more self explanatory and the rest would be better left to the imagination.Thank you for your comment although you probably won't see this reply after all this time
Many thanks
chris