#1

In memory we stand;
beautiful and ever shifting
in our author’s hand
we are.

In memory we stand
the test of time, breaking limits
of our broken mind
we are.

In memory we lay,
blank pieces of paper
with nothing to say
in silence that caters
to whims
to dreams
to places
we have never seen,
blending in
each other’s graces
we are

as if we’ve never been.



This is not a pipe
#2
First, what I loved. I loved how each stanza was unended, until the very last line. I loved the third stanza, and the first. However, I didn't like the way there was no real set feel. Each stanza had a different pace and rhythm and a slight change of tone, almost making this feel like three seperate pieces on the same theme, woven together. Overall, this felt very final, in a good way. There was a strength and confidence in the tone, with just an air of saddness and finality. I really enjoyed it.
#3
You've posted quite a bit recently and I've tended to ignore them – or just read them through once – because I don't always feel I have anything to say that will have any real impact. I thought I'd give this a work over, though.

In memory we stand;
beautiful and ever shifting
in our author’s hand
we are.
The use of "we are" here really does add an underlying sense of foreboding. It's not instantly recognizable – which is common in your writing – but something is certainly there, it's often just a matter of pinpointing it. It also, on a less happy note, feels a little clumsy. But to verbalize that would seem pointless as no alternative seems viable. Why state what cannot be changed?


In memory we stand
the test of time, breaking limits
of our broken mind
we are.
Because the first verse had a pause - after the initial line - and this does not, the flow is hindered. Once again, though, a little evil touch is there...

In memory we lay,
blank pieces of paper
with nothing to say
I like your simple rhyming scheme. But it feels a little idle at the same time. The words themselves seem despondent, yet the tone of it remains confident and sinister.

in silence that caters
to whims
to dreams
to places
"places" and "caters" flow together wonderfully.

we have never seen,
blending in
each other’s graces
we are

as if we’ve never been.
Now the edginess and torment pinnacles. It's a solid showcasing of abilities.

I enjoyed this.
#4
ughhh this is so tormentingly pretty. Very graceful throughout. Great display of style.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#6
I love you, miss Carmel.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#7
This is a style of writing I'm particularity fond of.
Simple. Open. Elegant.
In memory we... / we are

Impressive impact created here.
Using words like capitalization and punctuation.
we are stands boldly at the end of each stanza,
as if etching it in stone,
only to be negated by the final line.

stand / stand / lay

This works well as it is.
But I have to wonder if it might be stronger if you could find a replacement for one of the instances of stand. Give it a bit more of a sequential feeling.

The title is appropriate. Perhaps too appropriate. It has a negative connotation that gives a strong indication of where this eventually ends. Etching would probably be too positive. Maybe there's a word that is more ambiguous, idk.

Anyway, enough about minutia. I thoroughly enjoyed this.
Meadows
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#9
It's an example of flow. Rhyming is needed only when it becomes necessary, and instead of a backbone, it is a sword drawn to make a point with simplicity known better to our ancestors than us, and what we will readily accept. Beautiful, Carmel. The volcanoes will adore it.
Last edited by spike_8bkp at Aug 9, 2009,
#10
this one's a keeper, Mel.
you have such beautiful perspective.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.