#1
my ears creak when I tilt my head,
as if they've swallowed old water.
each droplet carries both
happiness and sadness, youth and age.
Like a favourite song stuck on repeat,
it beats in my drums,
as the bird at dawn calls for food.
why can't protest be quiet?
after all, I'm more likely to listen to someone
who has to nothing to say
over someone who thinks he has
the world to tell me.
who cares for muscles when
we're trying to squeeze through a hole
only a eel could fit through?
time is short, they recognize that,
so carry little luggage wherever they go.
I suggest you do the same, old man.

--

I'm still having problem linking thoughts together properly.
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Aug 8, 2009,
#2
Way bloody hay good imagry i could feel the bubbling and crackling in my years of the last time i emersed my head but i couldn't see the goldfish squeezing through a small hole.A ferret or a cat a mouse shrew or vole but i can't see a goldfish squeesing through a small hole but on thinking maybe an eel,slimey and able to squeese or even more so an octopus.
great imagry over the ear crackling though could even feel the water trickling out when i tilt my head...
good stuff
#4
I can see what you're saying about linking thoughts together properly, it happens to me all the time. But that being said, it's a very interesting piece, and I'll be looking forward to it more when the thoughts are fully put together!
#5
tbh with you I like the lone standing images in it but collectively the whole piece just didn't hit me. I liked the pitch but I am still not buying it. It just felt like the underlying connection was missing for me but It can be me though .

On the other hand the flow was nice. Imagery was good but still it don't buy it. Again it can be me though. When I read something I question it , If that convinces me I buy it and then I try to implement it .

In simple word it didn't convinced me.

Next time I'll try to write a better critique than this
Hi
#6
my ears creak when I tilt my head,
as if they've swallowed old water.
each droplet carries both
happiness and sadness, youth and age.

Lines 2 and 3 here seem to contradict each other in a couple of ways. First of all you say "as if" implying that your ears haven't really swallowed old water but it just seems like it, but then the next line suggests that the water really is there because you go on to describe it in definite terms. Also, first you talk about them swallowing water, but then you talk about them being droplets. Those two images didn't harmonize to me.

Like a favourite song stuck on repeat,
it beats in my drums,
as the bird at dawn calls for food.

This didn't jive for me either. You made one comparison in the first two lines, which was fine, but then instead of drawing us back to your point you made another comparison that draws us farther away from it and feels like it came out of nowhere. I know your title mentions birds, but otherwise that image seems very out of place here.

why can't protest be quiet?
after all, I'm more likely to listen to someone
who has to nothing to say
over someone who thinks he has
the world to tell me.

These last four lines read kind of clumsily to me. Not sure what to do about it though. My only suggestion would be maybe changing "over" to "than".

who cares for muscles when
we're trying to squeeze through a hole
only a goldfish could fit through?
time is short, they recognize that,
so carry little luggage wherever they go.

In the third line here you're using a goldfish in a descriptive way, but then the next two lines carry on talking about it as the goldfish is the subject. It took me a second to figure out what "they" was refering to. Maybe just find a more concrete way to introduce the goldfish idea so that we don't initially overlook it's weight in the poem.

I suggest you do the same, old man.

I thought this carried an interesting idea, it just had a few spots that threw me off.

You definitely don't owe me anything for this, which works out well because I don't have anything to crit right now anyways.



EDIT: I liked goldfish more because it's such a common thing that it did a better job at bringing the piece home, making it more relatable.
Last edited by bassbeat77 at Aug 8, 2009,
#7
Hi it's me again eel/octopus man been reading and re reading your piece and i can't work out weather the old man is just a pain in the arse like me who tries to teach and impart life skills however unwanted on the people i look after(children and step children)or the way it was for me when i was young my stepfather although being seemingly kind and careing was also a violent bully though i doubt he'd even realised it.Maybe though i've misread the whole piece but maybe goes on forever and maybe you could lead the reader a bit more into the total meaning.
But i can still here the water crackling in my ears
love your imagry
#8
Linkage problems, eh? Not sure if I can help.


my ears creak when I tilt my head,
as if they've swallowed old water.
each droplet carries both
how would you feel about gulp instead of droplet.
that way it would match up better with swallowed.

happiness and sadness, youth and age.
Like a favourite song stuck on repeat,
it beats in my drums,
as the bird at dawn calls for food.
this line is completely disconnected from the previous
and just loosely connects with what follows.
not at all sure how you'd improve that.

why can't protest be quiet?
after all, I'm more likely to listen to someone
who has to nothing to say
over someone who thinks he has
the world to tell me.
who cares for muscles when
we're trying to squeeze through a hole
only a eel could fit through?
time is short, they recognize that,
so carry little luggage wherever they go.
I like the term baggage rather than luggage.
It has a more negative connotation from common usage.

I suggest you do the same, old man.
Disliked this a bit. Sounds preachy.
And that seems to be what you're arguing against.
Can you find a way to bring this to a similar conclusion but sound less judgmental?


The title didn't fit all that well.
Maybe when you tweak this more, it might.
Or perhaps a better title might emerge.

Sorry, that's all I've got.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#9
I thought the imagery was interesting, but not melded into one coherent whole, so I had difficulty taking it in.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#10
Quote by abhishek21
tbh with you I like the lone standing images in it but collectively the whole piece just didn't hit me. I liked the pitch but I am still not buying it. It just felt like the underlying connection was missing for me but It can be me though .

On the other hand the flow was nice. Imagery was good but still it don't buy it. Again it can be me though. When I read something I question it , If that convinces me I buy it and then I try to implement it .

In simple word it didn't convinced me.

Next time I'll try to write a better critique than this


Pretty much everything I was going to say.

I also preferred "goldfish" to "eel", and I think "luggage" fits better than "baggage".
#11
thank you. i'm not sure if i'll be editing this. maybe i don't like the idea enough to work with it.