#1
I remember the grass
Overgrown with dandelions
I remember how his spit tasted
On my tongue
I remember how sharp his camera flickered
When he was done

He held a gun
To the side of my head
And carried me outside
He tied the rag
Tightly around my face
The white cloth drew blood
He broke my nose
He ripped my skirt

With one hand in his pants
He told me to throw my clothes aside
I stripped for him
Next to the swingset
In his backyard
He smelled my shirt
Black steel cold on my cheek

His skin was salty
In my mouth
His words harsh
Faster, faster
Tight circles
My chin
My stomach
My lips
Pinned down in the dirt
He entered me
Holding a gun
To the side of my head

Rag in my mouth
I kept
Moaning
Faster, faster
Digging my fingernails in harder


My name is Cassie Macalaster

And I will never be yours

My name is Cassie Macalaster

And I will never be yours
#2
wow, i must say this piece was definately both hard and interesting to read. the first stanza got me hooked into reading the rest of this piece, and i'm glad i did. i would give a proper critique on this, but i have to leave for work in a few.

excellent, excellent work on this.
"take your form
be my fear, be my hope
be the indication
if i'm right or wrong

take your most dreadful form
and let it be known"
he provided assurance
#3
A song or a poem, synth? Because of its unstructured nature this would be hard to fit music to, but it could be done. Anyhow, I'm guessing poem.

It felt very jerky, and fragile, because of the lack of punctuation and the constant shift of images. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. The end is chilling and absolutely right for this. I did wish for more focus on one subject in each individual stanza, because the constant jumping around felt almost like a gimmick: I saw it twice and then after that I thought "yeah, yeah I get it already". On the other hand, this makes for a very intense first read as it is. It's on closer inspection that it began to annoy me.

All that aside, it's really strong. It muscled my day and my life out of the way so it could tell me its story. You are, hands-down, my favorite writer on UG.
#4
I liked this Dylan. Unfortunately I don't really have a whole lot to say other than I understand why it's kind of "jerky". It has to be. The experience was being told the way she remembered it, and when you're going through that or relaying it I can't imagine you're thinking about a bunch of pointless details in long sentences. The abrupt nature of it helped get us into her mindset. That was probably the one thing I appreciated the most about this.

Like I said, this was enjoyed.

#5
This is a really powerfully disturbing piece. Like everyone else has said, it's very jerky, but in a good way. It's very abrupt.

I like the way you can say something so bluntly, and still come across as poetic. It's a fascinating piece, really.
#6
thanks guys, this is part of a project i'm working on. sort of a stream of consciousness set of poems about this sort of thing. Of course, this piece was actually about certain personal issues. Based on the story of a girl named Cassie.
#7
I love this, reminds me of "The End" by Blue October. You didnt say wether or not you'd be putting it to music, because I have to agree with everyone else, it's very jerky, which it needs to be, but therefore would be difficult to put to music. If you do intend to put it to music, I would experiment with something outside of the 4/4 meter. Try some odd time sig. and see what you come up with, thats just my advice though, excelent piece, looking forward to more of this project.
Peta, talking to the dead, stranger danger, alt. medicine, the war on drugs, recycling, esp, conspiracy theories, and gun control are all BULLSHIT...if you've seen the show you know what I'm talking about.
#8
I remember the grass
Overgrown with dandelions
I remember how his spit tasted
On my tongue
I remember how sharp his camera flickered
When he was done
This verse is impeccable, Dylan. Really ing. The way "spit" relates back to the "grass" imagery and how a "tongue" on "grass" can be "sharp" and cut you. It's pretty damn simple, but works so well. It's also childish of me to put out, I thought it necessary though. Optimising your introduction and scenario is a great way of locking the reader into you and your train of thought.

He held a gun
To the side of my head
This line break is really vivid and delictable. It's like olives - give the fuckers time, and they'll reward you with absolute palatability.
And carried me outside
He tied the rag
Tightly around my face
The white cloth drew blood
He broke my nose
He ripped my skirt
I love the way this descends but never falls too far away from the obvious and childishly pretty tone. The last three lines felt irritated slightly, though, with the flow. Maybe because it lacked punctuation, or because you wanted to continue with the previous few lines, I don't know.

With one hand in his pants
He told me to throw my clothes aside
I stripped for him
Next to the swingset
In his backyard
He smelled my shirt
Black steel cold on my cheek
Once again, the pace and weight bringing this lower and lower was atrociously good. But, as I said previously, maybe the stuttered rhythm wasn't necessary. It could have been it's fascination, on the other hand.


His skin was salty
In my mouth
His words harsh
Faster, faster
Tight circles
My chin
My stomach
My lips
Pinned down in the dirt
He entered me
Holding a gun
To the side of my head

Rag in my mouth
I kept
Moaning
Faster, faster
Digging my fingernails in harder
I don't care whether people use this kind of shockingly vivid sexuality to easily portray various different ideas, this never felt needlessly sexual or promiscuous. And it certainly didn't seem like a cop-out - it felt original and new. It's strong sense of humanity and relatibility underlining also elevated it beyond the normally overt luridness.


My name is Cassie Macalaster

And I will never be yours

My name is Cassie Macalaster

And I will never be yours
The breaks here are well used.


This was a lovely read, if a little forgettable with it's simplicity.
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Aug 11, 2009,