#1
Due to the sever changes to this song, I have reposted it. You cant even tell its the same.
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Last edited by PCADriven at Aug 15, 2009,
#2
Thanks for the crit on mine.

To be honest, I thought that this was very...expected. And overdone. I feel like I've read this piece before, and I don't want to read it again. It got monotone quickly. Many of the rhymes were just forced (ie: guess and press, and the whole last stanza) and others just didn't work (ie: hollow and shallow). The chorus is actually pretty good, and judging by how it was, I think you could at least do a little better.

Sorry for the harshness.
#3
Quote by punkforlife93
Thanks for the crit on mine.

To be honest, I thought that this was very...expected. And overdone. I feel like I've read this piece before, and I don't want to read it again. It got monotone quickly. Many of the rhymes were just forced (ie: guess and press, and the whole last stanza) and others just didn't work (ie: hollow and shallow). The chorus is actually pretty good, and judging by how it was, I think you could at least do a little better.

Sorry for the harshness.



No biggie on the harshness, I have some things I need to work on it seems. Though I personally really like the ending, I see what you mean with the rhymes being forcedon the other stanzas. Work time! *Puts Thinking Cap On*
Too lazy to come up with a clever or relevant sig.
#4
It seemed...generic. There really wasn't anything that jumped out and grabbed hold of me and kept me reading. I looked at it and saw just another song with someone whining about his girl problems. I could tell that you care, and that this is something you have gone through, but you need to make me care. As I do when I see anything that rhymes like you did, I want to tell you that you forced the rhymes, I really want to tell you that and tell you to fix it. But honestly, you didn't do too bad with the rhyming. Personal preference, it was a bit too blunt for me. It's less like lyrics or poetry and more like you just saying what you feel.


Thanks for the crit on my piece
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#5
Well to start, i really liked your last stanza, especially the eye for an eye part. It made it feel final and it was a good end. But also, sadly, i thought the rest was kind of generic. I just couldnt feel it sung. Just work on that a bit.
#6
not bad the chorus and outro were good but some of it was generic and ryhming seemed forced at times other than that its good
#7
The opening line was a courageous way to introduce a promisingly lacklustre vibe. But the rest of the piece, unfortunately, didn't follow suit. As said already, it does seem a little generic and anticipated, and that is my point also: instead of writing about how you feel in exact terms, delve into some profound imagery, literary devices; flow, rhythm, rhyme (you have it but it's predictable and overused) assonance, alliteration. I realise it's a song and doesn't necessarily require them, but it doesn't mean those methods cannot be employed to show that you really care about what you're saying. Because as it is, I don't see honesty. I don't see you as a writer. I see simplicity made into lyrics – laziness in another sense. And I mean that with respect. - Sometimes, a laid-back approach enamours a point wonderfully, as the first line demonstrates, but you didn't stick with it. Find a tone, a voice, and paint a picture with it. Use the language to create an envelope around your readers. Discover where their weak points are, where you should hold back and where you should dive in for the kill. And do it.
#8
Thanks to all of the posters for their wonderful crits. In response to these critiques, I have been inspired to closely look at the song. What you now see at the top of the page is almost entirely different, though the inspiration remains the same. I hope you all enjoy!
Too lazy to come up with a clever or relevant sig.