#1
One, single creak
squeaks its way through the house.
You move your foot away and the floorboard
groans until it retuns to it's niche.

You close the door so
the heat doesn't
chase you in.
Your friend takes off his shoes
and you follow suit.

You're led down a hallway and
make a left into a room.
The carpet feels cool and squishy.
Your friend turns on the TV and hands
you the remote. You sit down on the couch.

Your thumb blindly searches for the
menu button or at least the channel changers as your
friend tells you that he is going to bring
out some snacks.

With a few lucky guesses and the dim
TV glow, the channels change.
News, Futurama, music videos, Saw 2,
Time Bandits, To subscribe to this channel..., etcetera.
Nothing you're in the mood for.

You eventually leave it
on the Discovery Channel because
your friend comes in and hands you a plate.
In the TV glow you strain your eyes to see that it's rice.

You're a bit puzzeled but don't want to be rude by
criticizing him for calling rice a snack.
So you begin shoveling it in your mouth.

It's kinda hard to eat with this guy on TV
picking up giant beetles and whatnot.
You stop eating and your taste buds send
messages to your brain.
It's really moist, almost meaty.

Commercial break.

You slowly put another spoonful in your mouth.
You feel it crawling on your tongue.
Looking down at your plate, you see rice
crawling off and into your lap.


-----------------------------------------------
Disgusting? yes.
Title is simply a video game that came out that I'm playing a lot.
Promises meant a lot back then.
Last edited by ninja monkey at Aug 10, 2009,
#2
Quote by ninja monkey
One, single creak
squeaks its way through the house.
You move your foot away and the floorboard
makes a loud, squeaky return to where it was.

I suggest making a way so you write the return squeak as having a slightly different flavour/slightly variation than the original squeak, to give a better sense of the to-and-fro motion. Kind of like a slide-down and slide-up on a guitar string, although they're both a slide.

You close the door so
the heat doesn't
chase you in.
Your friend takes off his shoes
and you follow suit.

You're led down a hallway and
make a left into a room.
The carpet feels cool and squishy. 'squishy' sounds too cute for this poem
Your friend turns on the TV and hands
you the remote. You sit down on the couch.

Your thumb blindly searches for the
menu button or at least the channel changers as your
friend tells you that he is going to bring
out some snacks.

With a few lucky guesses and the dim
TV glow, the channels change.
News, Futurama, music videos, Saw 2,
Time Bandits, To subscribe to this channel..., etcetera.
Nothing you're in the mood for.

You eventually leave it
on the Discovery Channel because
your friend comes in and hands you a plate.
In the TV glow you strain your eyes to see that it's rice.

"In the TV glow you strain your eyes to see that it's rice." nice, I love this image. It makes me think of the blurry eyes caused by the strain on a tv screen.


You're a bit puzzeled but don't want to be rude by
criticizing him for calling rice a snack. I don't understand how it can be seen rude to call rice a snack.
So you begin shoveling it in your mouth.

It's kinda hard to eat with this guy on TV
picking up giant beetles and whatnot.
You stop eating and your taste buds send
messages to your brain.
It's really moist, almost meaty. I like how you took a normal motion such as eating and analyzed it and gave it a different light.

Commercial break.

You slowly put another spoonful in your mouth.
You feel it crawling on your tongue.
Looking down at your plate, you see rice
crawling off and into your lap.


-----------------------------------------------
Disgusting? yes.
Title is simply a video game that came out that I'm playing a lot.



there's a certain sad dejected feeling that emanates from this, and I like how you portrayed that without saying it outright.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#3
I liked the theme and the ending, but I hated some of your words choices: "squeaky", "squishy", "spoonful", "return", "creak", "crawling", "puzzled", "lucky guesses", "snack" and "couch". A few of those were fine, just boring and unthoughtful. While a number of others gave this a rather ridiculous edge to it that conflicted with the crackin' ending and beautifully irritated pace.

Then again, maybe it's those particular phrases that give it's slight charm.
#4
Laces:
I agree with the 'return squeak'
I like the term 'squishy'. It seems moist and soft. orginally I was intending to say how there were earthworms on the ground and whatnot. But eh, it didn't happen.
That fact that the other guy considers rice a snack just seems a bit strange to you and is not your custom. And the fact that you don't share all the same customs infers that he is a different. Also, you don't want to offend him so you just eat the stuff. Thank you sir.

Gold (You're name is Dan? Maybe?):
Thanks.
Promises meant a lot back then.
#6
I was kind of expecting more out of this than rice crawling around on your lap...it seemed like something more profound should have happened. The whole "creaky" thing and being led down a hallway put kind of a dark picture in my head. But it was good all the same, just very misleading, which I guess isn't bad. I didn't like when it repeats "TV glow", surely you can find a better way to say it rather than saying TV glow twice..There were a couple of word choices I'm not fond of, but nothing that hasn't already been said. Loved the idea, and overall its a nice piece. I'm glad I read this.

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#7
'noosh,
It's not exactly rice.
Having an idea of what the rice is makes the piece what it is/disgusting.
Promises meant a lot back then.
#9
Oh, ****!

I thought it was literally rice, and this was about some kind of acid trip.
Disregard the first half of my crit.


I now feel slightly stupid.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black