#1
it was twenty past two when he clicked and cooed
to the bird on the corner of the bar
and he whispered and murmured the things to confirm
his interest in her from afar
it was a little unsettling for the stomach to watch him
as he folded her a serviette swan
and when he asked if he could buy her a drink
she rolled her eyes and swore "not again"

the last time he was succesful in this game
he was drunk on lemonade
but then again he prizes that peck on the cheek
and if he goes about it in similar ways
tonight than there's not much I can do
except watch him sweat and
watch him scratch his neck

and she was he pellet that did him over
if he took her home and tasted her he would have died
and it was funny cos he never even suspected
never got around to looking out for all the signs
and if you're squemish then you might want to leave
as later it all got a little rank
as slow as a slug he proceeded to seduce her
and as quick as a gun she shot him a blank

the last time he was succesful in this game
he was drunk on lemonade
but then again he prizes that peck on the cheek
and if he goes about it in similar ways
tonight than there's not much I can do
except watch him sweat and scratch his neck
the last time he was at twenty to three
standing at the urinal thinking that it's all
over for him, he'll never be able to do it
and if he goes about it the same way
there's not much to do but say hey
for her you may need to bite the bullet

she was the pellet that did him over
the slug slowly descending to his death in dry surroundings
in his lonley linen
of despair, struggling for air, struggling for
concentration as eyes close over
wishing he had made the right move
that was right for her
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Aug 10, 2009,
#2
Quote by Jammydude44
it was twenty past two when he clicked and cooed
to the bird on the corner of the bar
and he whispered and murmured the things to confirm I feel that "whispered and "murmured" is a bit too much. I think it should be one or the other. "clicked and cooed" is fine because they are two distinct things, but whispering and murmuring are too close in definition to each other while having different connotations, which muddies up the image.
his interest in her from afar
it was a little unsettling for the stomach to watch him who's stomach? his, her, or your?
as he folded her a serviette swan "he folded her a serviette swan" makes me think of gentlemanly perfection, but she isn't attracted to him. Maybe he has a flaw, or she has a flaw in her perception, or the two have had a previous history? Makes me think.
and when he asked if he could buy her a drink
she rolled her eyes and swore "not again" "not again". Do the two know each other before? Or is the girl referring to the multiple times she had been serenaded by other people? It's very ambigous, but it also makes it more relatable.

the last time he was succesful in this game
he was drunk on lemonade what does "drunk on lemonade" mean?
but then again he prizes that peck on the cheek
and if he goes about it in similar ways
tonight than there's not much I can do I think you mean "then".
except watch him sweat and
watch him scratch his neck could've been better. "sweat and scratch his neck" is a very bland description.

I don't like the way you introduced a narrator here. I feel like it's an unecessary artifice. You could tell it in third person without referring to a "self" as a narrator.

and she was he pellet that did him over
if he took her home and tasted her he would have died
and it was funny cos he never even suspected
never got around to looking out for all the signs
and if you're squemish then you might want to leave
Maybe it's just me, but the phrase "and it was funny" is one of my pet peeves, as it is clearly not, and the sarcasm is not at all creative in any way. I don't like the squeamish line either, it makes me think of what a vaudeville magician would say who repeats the same old tricks over and over.
as later it all got a little rank
as slow as a slug he proceeded to seduce her
and as quick as a gun she shot him a blank
I like this part. It really feels like the turning point of the story.

the last time he was succesful in this game
he was drunk on lemonade
but then again he prizes that peck on the cheek
and if he goes about it in similar ways
tonight than there's not much I can do
except watch him sweat and scratch his neck
the last time he was at twenty to three I like how you referenced the time here from the intro. It gives a sense of backbone and progression.
standing at the urinal thinking that it's all
over for him, he'll never be able to do it
and if he goes about it the same way
there's not much to do but say hey
for her you may need to bite the bullet


she was the pellet that did him over
the slug slowly descending to his death in dry surroundings
in his lonley linen
of despair, struggling for air, struggling for
concentration as eyes close over
wishing he had made the right move
that was right for her I liked how the concrete locations of the story in the previous stanzas gave way to a metaphorical place/state of mind.




It was an interesting idea, albeit a little wordy at parts. In the end though, the storyline did not give me much interest to bite into.
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On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#3
You have a gorgeous rhythm pattern in the first verse/stanza/whatever.
I read that with great anticipation of what was to come.
But sadly, that pattern doesn't continue throughout the piece.
Meadows
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#4
I appreciate your critique on my piece, I fully understand where you are coming from. I suppose my only retort would be that if i were to delve deeper and be a bit less vague, I feel I would just be "stating" the feelings. Just how I write I guess. I will take your tidbits into consideration the next time I sit down and write. As for your piece...

You have quite a way with words. Seeing the way you write, I understand how an overload of metaphors can make the reader lose meaning. This piece is fairly straight forward, with not a LOT of metaphors. You have a recurring theme throughout. It feels like it is set in a dive bar (which hits close to home, being that I love dive bars) and a sense of lonliness is spilled all over this song/poem. I like it. My only critisism may be that like others, I feel it may be too "all over the place". Some lines are long, then the line underneath will have only a few words. Like finishing a thought with more than 2 sentences. I don't have much to say as far as "what you can work on", but I do see the potential.

Have a good one.
#5
Danny-me-boy already said what I was going to. The first stanza is strong, but after that, I just lose interest. You use pretty language, but it serves little purpose in enhancing the piece overall. It's just difficult to connect to the piece. It's interesting at certain parts, but not throughout the whole piece.

Feel free to drop anything, even a one word response, on Dew Drops.
#6
Easily one of the most touching pieces I've read in a long time. It's amazing how diverse you can become, whilst still retaining a unique individuality throughout all you do.
Growing on me suddenly like this, is a bit odd. I never used to "get" your pieces. Never used to connect to them. Anyway, things have changed, and I you.

I'm... like... such a teenager right now!