#1
Can I exist without a dog at my side?
aiding old ladies cross the road
as we saunter through train stations
like steam engines on God's coal.
He protects me from the demons I call friends
and the angels I call enemies.

but he isn't always willing.
I suppose, if I'd fed him and kept him full
he would of stayed a little while longer.
I'll find him again, though, I know I will.
but he won't be whimpering under a bridge somewhere,
he'll be poised sternly with his
tail wagging and his tongue dripping
ready to return and sit at my side.
#2
Quote by AngryGoldfish

Can I exist without a dog at my side?
aiding old ladies cross the road
loved the assonance between "aiding" and "ladies"
as we saunter through train stations
like steam engines on God's coal.
"saunter" was great, "God's coal" was a strange metaphor, I don't think I've quite grasped it.
He protects me from the demons I call friends
and the angels I call enemies.
personally, i'd rephrase the last line so that it is not phrased identically to the line before, and therefore doesn't come so expectedly.

but he isn't always willing.
I suppose, if I'd fed him and kept him full
he would of stayed a little while longer.
I'll find him again, though, I know I will.
but he won't be whimpering under a bridge somewhere,
the two buts annoyed me a little.
he'll be poised sternly with his
tail wagging and his tongue dripping
ready to return and sit at my side.
as a whole, this was mostly fine, but i felt it didn't really take me anywhere. your pieces where you capture one small image in one small poem are definitely the best, but this felt unfinished and had me waiting for an elaboration.


Honestly, I'm still trying to get my head around what it is you're trying to tell me in this. Sorry for the more than likely unhelpful crit. If you feel like returning a word or two:

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1179169

but if you don't, I don't blame you!

Hope you're well, haven't spoken to you in a while.

EDIT: HOLY ****. I GET IT. That was awesome!
Last edited by michal23 at Aug 10, 2009,
#3
I'm sorry Dan, but I didn't find anything special with this piece. I suppose you wrote it just to write. On you last piece you said you're still in the difficulty of putting thought together or something like that, so I presume you're in some kind of block or something. Good to see you trying though. I liked "He protects me from the demons I call friends / and the angels I call enemies." by the way.
#4
It's just beautiful and them other two have some thinking to do.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#5
This is much better than your last piece I read, imo. It's much more directed, and it's just...sad. And beautiful. *Melancholy, I suppose. The second stanza is much stronger than the first, and it hits home.

This is the one part I didn't like:

as we saunter through train stations
like steam engines on God's coal.


I can't fit that with the carefree idea of running with a dog. But it's still a great piece.

Sometimes I think that your pieces are too short, but here, it works perfectly. If you want to return fire, I've got a new piece, but I guess I didn't really say anything that useful.

*doyouseewhatididthar?
Last edited by punkforlife93 at Aug 10, 2009,
#6
seventh_angel-- that line was the one i disliked most.

i appreciate your concreteness, and i really enjoy the last image.

also-- God's coal? a bit dramatic, don't you think?
honestly, this piece is solid. it's enjoyable, but it's not experienced by the reader. the only time we get close is with that final image. don't rely on such abstraction and odd questions (the first stanza except the old lady image).

these "i suppose"s and filler words, "i know i will" (doesn't add in this case, there has to be true unsureness in the reader for it to mean anything), dilute and ruin your piece. they feel uninspired, broken, and useless.

it is in need of good diction. to me, diction is understanding how they sound, work together, and feel. inspiration isn't an idea as much as it is something that strikes you, a line, a word, anything. don't use words as a means of carving out a 'meaning', use your 'meaning' or image or the thing that strikes you as a direction and let the words help shape your poem. listen to the way they sound, the way they reverberate down your spine when they're just right, and don't be afraid to cut until you have hit foundation.

after all, words are to poetry as paint is to painting. they are not simply a means of communication, but in fact a means of expression within themselves, if you catch my drift.

anyway, i like how you write. it's a solid piece, but i am uninvolved.
Last edited by punchupatatigge at Aug 10, 2009,
#8
I'm allergic to dogs so I pretty much despise them because they make it difficult for me to breathe. Ignoring that, this, is okay.

I personally think that the "god's coal" part was well done. Anyway I look at it, coal being compared to our life, or the fact that fossil fuels are so astonshing. A gift from god some may say? First part seemed to click more for me than the second. The latter half seemed almost sappy. I didn't have any sympathy for you and why should I when you're complaining but directly afterwards state that everything will be good eventually.
To be honest, I walked away with a "why should I care" kind of feeling.
*shrugs*
Promises meant a lot back then.