#1
Believe it or not, this is an attempt to write a genuinely happy piece. But like most of my pieces, it seemingly degraded into something truly dreadful. Hate it if you will, but it was definitely neccessary for me to post this. I've got the song "Woe (The Optimist)" by Say Anything stuck in my head, which might have influenced this a bit.

C4C as always, peeps.

Oh, and Zach - took to heart your idea about not having all caps at the beginnings of lines, but it's striking an ugly chord with me at the moment. I'll leave it for now and wait to see how the crits turn out, though.


I still remember the old days,
although they weren't that old at all.

Just laying on your wet lawn,
spread-eagled like snow angels.
We held hands as though one of us
might drift off into the stars -
never to see the other again.
And we gazed at the sky,
lost in the idea.

The dew rolled in, and we'd stick out our tongues,
letting them cling wherever they could.
We passed static electricity
to and fro between the vectors.
For hours, we'd contrast skin textures,
and try to describe the exact color
of each other's irises.

But now all we do is brag
in vivid, excruciating detail
the sexual adventures we've had
without each other.
And while none is half as exciting
as the ones we once shared,
we still seem to get
fired up about them.
Odd for a couple of kids
who have already moved on.

You say,
"Sometimes, you've got to try your best
to dodge the proverbial monkey shit thrown your way
and make the best of what you've got."

I say,
"Just because the rainbow you've seen fades
doesn't mean it's the last you'll ever see,
And it doesn't mean it wasn't ever there in the first place."

I think that if you removed
my fingernails in my sleep,
and reached deep down through
my newly excavated orifice
you would soon discover
that I'm nothing like I used to be.

My veins don't hold blood
the same way they used to.
My lungs don't breathe
half as heavily as you made them.
My pulse doesn't pound constantly
because there isn't much to be excited about.
And my heart has become
twice as malleable as before.

But on the bright side,
once you see all that's gone wrong,
you might just take up
that old artisan's mantle.
You'd try and fix me
back the way I used to be,
when we first met.
Back when I was the one
always fixing you.
You'll reminisce and recall
that each one of your precious
pink ribbon scars can be traced
back to anyone but me.

Of course,
that's if all these romantic ideas
even happened in the first place.
With how much you've changed lately,
I almost hope that they didn't.

I guess that I'm still the optimist.
Last edited by punkforlife93 at Aug 10, 2009,
#2
Quote by punkforlife93
Believe it or not, this is an attempt to write a genuinely happy piece. But like most of my pieces, it seemingly degraded into something truly dreadful. Hate it if you will, but it was definitely neccessary for me to post this. I've got the song "Woe (The Optimist)" by Say Anything stuck in my head, which might have influenced this a bit.

C4C as always, peeps.

Oh, and Zach - took to heart your idea about not having all caps at the beginnings of lines, but it's striking an ugly chord with me at the moment. I'll leave it for now and wait to see how the crits turn out, though.


I still remember the old days,
although they weren't that old at all.

Strong opening.


Just laying on your wet lawn,
spread-eagled like snow angels.
We held hands as though one of us
might drift off into the stars -
never to see the other again.
And we gazed at the sky, lost in the idea
knowing that this was meant to be.

I like the first 4 lines, and then the last two seemed somewhat forced and cliche. Judging by the rest of the song, you could do better,


The dew rolled in, and we'd stick out our tongues,
letting them cling wherever they could.
We passed static electricity
to and fro betwixt the vectors.
For hours, we'd contrast skin textures,
and try to describe the exact color
of each other's irises.

Enjoyable stanza, I liked how you used such vivid detail and description so compactly.


But now all we do is brag
in vivid, excruciating detail
the sexual adventures we've had
without each other.
And while none is half as exciting
as the ones we once shared,
we still seem to get
fired up about them.
Odd for a couple of kids
who have already moved on.


Now here is where I started to get worried. You were doing so well being clever and vivd, and this verse just seems blunt and close minded.


You say,
"Sometimes, you've got to try your best
to dodge the proverbial monkey shit thrown your way
and make the best of what you've got."


I really like when people do the quotes and you said i said stuff. Well done.

I say,
"Just because the rainbow you've seen fades
doesn't mean it's the last you'll ever see,
And it doesn't mean it wasn't ever there in the first place."

I think that if you removed
my fingernails in my sleep,
and reached deep down through
my newly excavated orifice
you would soon discover
that I'm nothing like I used to be.

My veins don't hold blood
the same way they used to.
My lungs don't breathe
half as heavily as you made them.
My pulse doesn't pound constantly
because there isn't much to be excited about.
And my heart has become
twice as malleable as before.


The worrying is over, this is very well played.


But on the bright side,
once you see all that's gone wrong,
you might just take up
that old artisan's mantle.
You'd try and fix me
back the way I used to be,
when we first met.
Back when I was the one
always fixing you.
You'll reminisce and recall
that each one of your precious
pink ribbon scars can be traced
back to anyone but me.

Of course,
that's if all these romantic ideas
even happened in the first place.
With how much you've changed lately,
I almost hope that they didn't.

I guess that I'm still the optimist.



Very solid ending, brought it all into perspective.


Overall I enjoyed the majority of your peice. C4C? If so, please crit the last Url link, I have yet to recieve any crits on that one yet :P
Too lazy to come up with a clever or relevant sig.
#5
But on the bright side,
once you see all that's gone wrong,
you might just take up
that old artisan's mantle.
(...)
You'll reminisce and recall
that each one of your precious
pink ribbon scars can be traced
back to anyone but me.

^ I just don't like that stanza (except the removed part), everything else was beautiful.

Oh, and thank you for following Zach's advice. Pieces are prettier and more professional written in this way.
#6
This was a satisfying read, mate. I much prefer the absence of capitals at the start of every line as well.

"letting them cling wherever they could."
- This line was a little cumbersome.

Something stopped from really liking it, though. I'm not sure what is, as a whole.