#1
(VERSE 1)
I hate hair caught between the toes
Is it anybodies business that I have nowhere to go
Running through the fields of lemongrass
I stumble into the darkness of a storm

Why don’t you slow down in this race
Your breaking rules written all over your face
Forget you, forget me
Running from the past is where I will be

(CHORUS) X2
We still have an hour glass
These fields of time circle around our lives

(VERSE 2)
The sound of your voice echos
To the exit sign at the end of my escape
The winners circle isn’t there to catch my breath
Now I’m falling faster and you’re not willing to wait
#2
I hate hair caught between the toes
Is it anybodies business that I have nowhere to go
Running through the fields of lemongrass
I stumble into the darkness of a storm

The first line doesn't make any sense at all with the poem. The second line is a little out of place but not too bad. The lalt two line are good.
Why don’t you slow down in this race
Your breaking rules written all over your face
Forget you, forget me
Running from the past is where I will be

It seems out of place that you have this as your only rhyming stanza in this poem. The third line, 'Forget you, Forget me' doesn't fit at all.
The sound of your voice echos
To the exit sign at the end of my escape
The winners circle isn’t there to catch my breath
Now I’m falling faster and you’re not willing to wait

Again the first two lines don't fit. You start the poem out running through a lemongrass field to running a race to falling. So the last line doesn't seem to work either.
We still have an hour glass
These fields of time circle around our lives

Very good set of lines. I live the sound and meaning of these two lines and they are by far the best in this poem.
Something you should try more often is the way you've ended these lines. They are not rhyming but the last words have almost the same sound.
Glass - Lives
Bring - Need
Hour - Fire

This is a good poem and could have real potential if you just fix a couple things here and there so for right now I am giving it 3 stars for mediocre. Keep on Writing
I hope this helped. Feel free to send me a pm
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Last edited by 24WildRovers at Aug 10, 2009,