#1
hey guys, i've always kept these to myself, as i was unconfident about whether they were any good. im still not confident, as i find it hard to write about anything other than killing myself. but this is pretty much my only lyric that isnt about my own death.

so, happy reading and don't be too hard.

this is Encountering Jane.

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Verse I

We met at a Party
Everyone was hanging out (out out)
You were in a black dress with gold heels
it was all you needed
you caught my eye from across the room
I asked you if there was room for two
At that old redwood table.
i asked you what you liked to drink
what you did amongst other things,
and girl, lets just say
that you impressed.

Chorus.

A chance encounter is all we were
i knew you were having fun that night,
and so was i,
i wish that is lasted forever.
A chance encounter is all we were
i knew you were having fun that night,
and so was i,
and in my dreams it lasts forever.





And also, i cannot remember the rest due to it is in a book, and i will get the book and write the rest on here when i get back on.

THanks heaps, and also, any tips on how to improve would be greatly appreciated.
#2
hey guys, i've always kept these to myself, as i was unconfident about whether they were any good. im still not confident, as i find it hard to write about anything other than killing myself. but this is pretty much my only lyric that isnt about my own death.
Don't worry you can post your poems here and we will make them better for you. That's what this forum is about is making your songwriting better.
We met at a Party
Everyone was hanging out (out out)
I am sure you can find something better than 'Everyone was hanging out,' it doesn't flow right in most poetry and it does not fit here.
what you did amongst other things,
and girl, lets just say
that you impressed.
Now picture your at a party, sitting with the girl of your dreams and you ask her what she would like to drink. That is a good setting, but you don't need to change it with 'what you did amongst other things,' try writing more about the drink, like what kind it is and whether you like it too. Also the last two lines don't fit the story either so you can replace those with the description of the drink or something.
i knew you were having fun that night,
and so was i,
That's so generic. Try something a little more original. Talk about her or how she dazed you with those gorgeous eyes.
A chance encounter is all we were
i knew you were having fun that night,
and so was i,
i wish that is lasted forever.
A chance encounter is all we were
i knew you were having fun that night,
and so was i,
and in my dreams it lasts forever.
This whole stanza is alright. It doesn't have that WOW factor that you need. It needs a little more mysterious element, while using vocabulary that includes dazeling feeling when your writing.

You're writing sounds like you just met the girl and a party and you don't seem to REALLY love her so you just wrote a simple generic poem to get by for right now. You need to write using words that express love and pont out things that you liked about that night and somehow put that in there without taking away from the continuity and flow of the poem.

I hope this helps. Sorry if I might have been a little too hard but that's what it takes to become a fabulous musician is to write true music including lyrics. It is a very good story behind it and I like so Keep on Writing
Don't be afraid to personal message me :p
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I am the 24 Wild Rovers
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:
#3
We met at a Party
Everyone was hanging out (out out)
You were in a black dress with gold heels
it was all you needed
you caught my eye from across the room
I asked you if there was room for two
At that old redwood table.
i asked you what you liked to drink
you said get a double vodka and lets talk.
so, you said hey, my name is jane.
we spoke for half an hour.
i fell in love with you that night,
but at 3, you said goodbye.

A chance encounter is all we were
your eyes like diamonds stared into me
got to my heart and i liked it.
and i wish that it lasted forever.

A chance encounter is all we were
i knew you were having fun that night,
drinking with me and talking about things
and in my dreams it lasts forever


hey thanks for the response.

you weren't too hard, and a bit of constructive critism never hurt anyone.

is this an improvement?

any advice for the "everyone was hanging out" part?