#1
A Train On The Tracks pt. 3

we sat with humility
the moon beating down
on the waves.
the sea
and the rain puddles
underneath
reflecting
our faces in the face of
shame and suffering
in the times we'd left
behind.
constellations
in our
pinprick backdrop
blur in the water
and it becomes clear
just how
uncertain things were
for me
for the years
for the nights

and I wonder with humility
if you knew long before we walked this beach
that one day
things would be
moving.

and I smile.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
Last edited by jiminizzle at Aug 11, 2009,
#2
I'm waiting until the last one, then I'm going to crit the entire thing in one hit, but I will say the mood so far has been perfect and I've really enjoyed reading all of them. This part is the strongest so far.
#3
I'm struggling to really find anything that I connect with in this series. It's unfortunate because I can see a lot of effort has been exerted, and they really are well written. To me, though, they seem a little distant and faint. Like it lacked any real punch.
I do realise, though, that you often write in this style. I rarely see "punch" from you - and I don't mind that in most cases - but in this instance, maybe a little more relatibility could of elevated this further.

This seems to be the highlight so far, though.
#4
Ultimately, I think the biggest thing I took away from this was how intriguing it was in terms of both style and content. For example, stylistically, there were parts that had no punctuation such as this set:

"reflecting
our faces in the face of
shame and suffering
in the times we'd left
behind.
constellations
in our
pinprick backdrop
blur in the water
and it becomes clear
just how
uncertain things were
for me
for the years
for the nights"

The wording of this was personally odd but for some reason, I wasn't bothered by it, but rather intrigued. I'm having a hard time articulating why I enjoyed the form of this piece but it was just different and I think the lack of structure/punctuation fit in with the content of the piece.

The content of the piece also intrigued me. For example, the line: "we sat with humility / the moon beating down / on the waves. the sea / and the rain puddles / underneath" created an interesting image (namely, the idea of rain puddles underneath the waves). It was a curious image and I think that if you can instill this feeling of curiousity in your reader to think seemingly odd images through, then you've partly succeeded as a writer.

Sorry I couldn't be more articulate but this piece sort of left me at a loss of words. I couldn't wrap my head around it entirely but it makes me want to. So in that sense, I definitely think this was a success.
here, My Dear, here it is
#5
ok. thanks a lot guys. I appreciate how you both tried to look more deeply into the writing. That means a lot and makes you're comments much more helpful. I'm starting to think I'm relying too much on such a simple ending to make it relatable and connect the dots as they are rather scattered events.

Hmm. ok I appreciate it. I'll be trying to get back to anyone I owe asap I'm pretty busy at the moment so sorry for the delays :/

and kyle, I look forward to it
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
Last edited by jiminizzle at Aug 12, 2009,