#1
Handcuffed to flagpole with a bible in hand,
preaching with weapons about their so-called "promised land"
We all bleed red unless you bleed blue,
in which case ain't nobody can touch you.

Beatings on the streets on which we sleep,
feds just laughing as they hear children weep
Ficticious bombs in sandy places,
bankers relaxing with smiling faces.

Rights aren't rights when they can been taken away,
but when we question this fact there's hell to pay
Just ask the Japs back in '42,
but you don't even remember that, do you?

Rising up ain't even an option,
with all this sheeple afraid to take action
Mass media raping the minds of many,
and Wall Street picking up every penny.

We're all watching this ****in' street show,
averting our eyes from what we don't know
This country is running on smoke and mirrors,
made up of war-hawks and name-smearers.

Rappish song, think RATM.

C4C, as always
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Last edited by Wulphy at Aug 11, 2009,
#2
Dude, don't usually spend time in these forums but this one of the best songs I have read. You did a really good job with the content, espectially the part about the Jap Americans. I think this song will sound great with that RATM feel.
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#3
Quote by Its So Easy
Dude, don't usually spend time in these forums but this one of the best songs I have read. You did a really good job with the content, espectially the part about the Jap Americans. I think this song will sound great with that RATM feel.


Thanks, man
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I stick stuff in my pee hole.

Gear:

Schecter C-1 Classic
Ibanez S670PB
Stratocaster MIM Standard
Marshall MG30 (its purple )
Dunlop Crybaby Wah
#5
Quote by skatinpunk
this is awesome. love it.


Thanks for the kind words
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I stick stuff in my pee hole.

Gear:

Schecter C-1 Classic
Ibanez S670PB
Stratocaster MIM Standard
Marshall MG30 (its purple )
Dunlop Crybaby Wah
#6
Quote by Wulphy
Handcuffed to flagpole with a bible in hand,
preaching with weapons about their so-called "promised land"
We all bleed red unless you bleed blue,
in which case ain't nobody can touch you.

I would omit so-called, but that's totally preference. It would just seem slightly more musical. Very de La Rocha-esque first stanza.

Beatings on the streets in which we sleep, (again, preference)
feds just laughing as the children weep
Ficticious bombs in sandy places,
bankers relaxing with smiling faces.

Rights aren't rights when they can be taken away,
but when we question this fact there's hell to pay
Just ask the ______? Japs back in '42, < could be longer, just for flow
but you don't even remember that, do you? GREAT LINE.

Rising up ain't even an option,
with all these sheeple [great word!] afraid to take action
Mass media raping the minds of many,
and Wall Street picking up every penny. < another amazing two lines.

We're all watching this ****in' street show,
averting our eyes from what we don't know
This country is running on smoke and mirrors,
made up of war-hawks and insert "F|_|CKIN" here name-smearers.

Rappish song, think RATM.

C4C, as always


Seriously, dude, if you were rapping this **** in my hometown, I would be your Morello. He was my inspiration for picking up a guitar man and I would love to be in a Rage-inspired band. My vocalist has sung some Rage covers at our shows, but he can't pull it off.

These lyrics, despite their borrowed style, WIN.

C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1180545
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#7
Quote by DoomsdayArsenal
Seriously, dude, if you were rapping this **** in my hometown, I would be your Morello. He was my inspiration for picking up a guitar man and I would love to be in a Rage-inspired band. My vocalist has sung some Rage covers at our shows, but he can't pull it off.

These lyrics, despite their borrowed style, WIN.

C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1180545


Thanks alot man, and I'll get right on your song.
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I stick stuff in my pee hole.

Gear:

Schecter C-1 Classic
Ibanez S670PB
Stratocaster MIM Standard
Marshall MG30 (its purple )
Dunlop Crybaby Wah
#8
I really enjoyed your song, its powerful, rhymes well, and is overall badass. Great work, though i do agree with the above post ^^^^^^ that you could add some words in here and there to simply keep in time with the rest of the song and make it flow slightly better. C4C? Sig.
Too lazy to come up with a clever or relevant sig.
#9
Quote by PCADriven
I really enjoyed your song, its powerful, rhymes well, and is overall badass. Great work, though i do agree with the above post ^^^^^^ that you could add some words in here and there to simply keep in time with the rest of the song and make it flow slightly better. C4C? Sig.


Thank you, my friend. You have been critted
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I stick stuff in my pee hole.

Gear:

Schecter C-1 Classic
Ibanez S670PB
Stratocaster MIM Standard
Marshall MG30 (its purple )
Dunlop Crybaby Wah
#10
I really enjoyed this piece, the only thing that felt somewhat out of place is when you said ain't in the first stanza maybe look for another word there, but thats just my opinion if you wouldnt mind criting my newest piece Finding solace seems to be my biggest problem there is a link in my sig
#11
This is really good. Very RATM-ish, as intended. Love the line "country running on smoke and mirrors." SO DAMN TRUE. Very soulful, man. Don't censor yourself, ever. I just listened to "Wake Up" and "Know Your Enemy" earlier, so this is quite ironic. If you're going to experiment more with copping other lyricists' styles, I recommend you try some Bob Dylan as you'd be good at that ****. Seriously if nothing else man you got some serious talent and I thank you for the crit.
#13
I'm going to have to disagree with the concensus:

Quote by Wulphy
Handcuffed to flagpole with a bible in hand,
preaching with weapons about their so-called "promised land"
We all bleed red unless you bleed blue,
in which case ain't nobody can touch you.


I'd get rid of 'so-called' and perhaps the 'ain't' from the last line, but apart from that I quite like this verse - definitely my favourite.


Quote by Wulphy
Beatings on the streets on which we sleep,
feds just laughing as they hear children weep
Ficticious bombs in sandy places,
bankers relaxing with smiling faces.


Really dislike the second line - children weeping come across like a very bad, very cliched charity appeal and it feels really overblown. The second two lines sound like you've tried to compress some 'hot button' issues with a fairly poor rhyme just to have them in the song/verse.


Quote by Wulphy
Rights aren't rights when they can been taken away,
but when we question this fact there's hell to pay
Just ask the Japs back in '42,
but you don't even remember that, do you?


Actually, I might like this better than the first verse (apart from 'hell to pay', which feels like a very old-fashioned, overused phrase) - although I think it'd flow better as something like:
"Rights aren't rights that can be taken away,
not that there's a lot you can say,
Just ask the Japs back in '42,
but you don't remember that, do you?"

Pretty Leonard Cohen-y, which is cool.


Quote by Wulphy
Rising up ain't even an option,
with all this sheeple afraid to take action
Mass media raping the minds of many,
and Wall Street picking up every penny.


I really don't like this verse - again, it reads like you're trying to hit every issue you can think of in the most tired, cliched, childish way possible. I'd cut it entirely.


Quote by Wulphy
We're all watching this ****in' street show,
averting our eyes from what we don't know
This country is running on smoke and mirrors,
made up of war-hawks and name-smearers.


This one I'm more abivalent about - I'm not sure what to suggest, apart from a general 'try to make it shorter' - I think you could get the same message across in about 2/3 of the words, which would remove the need for phrases like "averting our eyes" which could make it sound a bit less generic.

Overall, I think that my main problem is that the tone is on the immature side - it reads like ranty poetry from a teenager who's been reading a lot of Micheal Moore, you're not really engaging with any of the issues you raise, just insulting things you see as problems in a bit of a childish way.
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#14
Hence the RATM feel, childish anger is what they run on, man. Thanks for the crit, though
Quote by Ur all $h1t
I stick stuff in my pee hole.

Gear:

Schecter C-1 Classic
Ibanez S670PB
Stratocaster MIM Standard
Marshall MG30 (its purple )
Dunlop Crybaby Wah
#17
Quote by benx3000
This song was awesome!!!! I felt it could be longer though. And I thought it was kinda wierd that you said "Japs". It made you seem like an 87 year old lol. But i loved that it had an incredibly punk appeal to it, and thats what makes this song totally worthwhile.
oh and... c4c?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1180982


After a second read, I too noticed this racist slur that is extremely dated and overtly negative. Japanese would easily fit the line just as well, without offending people of that lineage/nationality.
"Life was such a wheel that no man could stand upon it for long.
And it always, at the end, came round to the same place again."

- Stephen King, The Stand
#18
Quote by AJKane
After a second read, I too noticed this racist slur that is extremely dated and overtly negative. Japanese would easily fit the line just as well, without offending people of that lineage/nationality.


It was implied, the racism. Japs, referring to the racist slur often coined during the time they were imprisoned.
Quote by Ur all $h1t
I stick stuff in my pee hole.

Gear:

Schecter C-1 Classic
Ibanez S670PB
Stratocaster MIM Standard
Marshall MG30 (its purple )
Dunlop Crybaby Wah