"Lonely Girl"

Slow tempo, bluesy laid back guitar with a cool drum groove. At this point, this song is entirely in my head. No chords, but I have the general feel of the progression in my head.

(Intro) -

[guitar, woman-ish tone with some wah...will throw in some lyrics here when they come to me.]


Lonely girl
Where did you come from?
Lonely girl
Would you like to have some fun?
Lonely girl
Where did you come from?
Lonely girl
You and I could have some fun

(Verse 1) -

I tangled eager eyes with you
Across a crowded party room
I could see your thoughts were true
My heart and soul will call for you
Once this wild night is through
On a roof beside the calming blue
Love-drunk beneath the jealous moon

(Verse 2) -

We could take the train
And a bottle of wine
Go slipping away into the night
I'm thinking, girl, you just might find
I'm not like every other guy
I can make you feel all right
You and I can own the night

(Verse 3) -

Sunshine warmth calls us to rise
I see a storm behind your eyes
But you don't seem to be one for lies
That stinging pain I've long despised
The bittersweet lash of cold goodbyes
I'd rather sing the ballad of you and I
Oh, I could just die

(Bridge) -

Oh, lonely girl
Don't you walk away
Lonely girl
I could be yours someday
Damn you, girl
You know the love you take
Is equal to the love you make

(Outro) -

[Will come when I'm working out the musical arrangement, hopefully.]
nice! i could completely imagine this with a very epic outro. weird song structure i think. But very well written.
First off, I think these lyrics definitely fit the bluesy theme you were going for, especially the chorus. I thought there were several impressive lines. For example, the imagery in the first verse was tremendous. You really painted a picture there. Also, the image of "tangled eager eyes" was very vivid and unique. Well done there.

I just have two suggestions for you. One is that some of your lines were borderline cliche. Stuff like "I could just die" and "I see a storm behind your eyes" have been done so much that, as a reader, I feel nothing when I read these lines. And everyone is guilty of doing this at one time or another (most definitely including myself) where we give into the temptation of overused lines because they're the first things that pop into our minds while writing. The trick is to wade through the lines and unearth something unique and solely original. Easier said than done but you've done some of that in here like with your "tangled eager eyes" line.

Also, the lines "You know the love you take Is equal to the love you make" are Beatles lyrics (which I'm sure you already know). This is plagiarism. You can't take another writers' lines and pass them off as your own. You'll have to take those out.

Other than that, I thought it was a good read. Good job!
here, My Dear, here it is
wow man this looks really good once you have everything completed make sure you post it in my profile cant wait to see what this sounds like
Thank you for all of your comments and suggestions. All of your suggestions have been accounted for. The plagiaristic lines removed, and the lines "storm behind your eyes" and "I could just die" have been changed... I have a guitar part written for the main hook of the song, so all I have to do is arrange and record it. As it is one of the more quality songs I've written out of the many songs my band already plays, I will not rush recording it. I'll let it evolve and become more organic before I make it available for public listening. Thanks again.
"Life was such a wheel that no man could stand upon it for long.
And it always, at the end, came round to the same place again."

- Stephen King, The Stand