#1
the third poem in the "Kind of Blue" series. It's very personal, one of the more personal things I've ever written:


Blue In Green


my body felt indestructible as I stood next to this feeble woman,
who sucked whatever life had left to offer
through plastic tubes
and who shifted her body
from one uncomfortable position to the next,
waiting until the past met the present.

maybe playing on the screens inside her eyelids
was us playing Scrabble
and me trying to land a triple word score with a proper noun.
"Nice try" you said
and you laughed in that sweet and honest way
that couldn't help but make me smile;
a laugh that taught me the most joyous moments
present themselves in the most modest of places,
such as a small condo
with a woman and her grandson playing a board game.
It was a laugh that got lost somewhere
in that labyrinth of tubes.
I had been looking for it
and I know it had been looking for me.

But when it was time for the maze to be undone,
I heard it once again,
from a mouth sealed shut and a heart silent still.
she laughed
and I knew I had to be honest with myself:

I am not strong.

I am weak.

So I'll suck whatever life has left to offer me
slowly through my nostrils.
here, My Dear, here it is
Last edited by SubwayToVenus at Aug 11, 2009,
#2
Fantastic writing. Raw honesty = beauty. This is beautiful.

C4C?
#3
Very good writing. Agreed with AJKane. Very beautiful. True feelings crossover. Beautiful. Oh and Please check out my piece as well.
#4
Quote by SubwayToVenus
the third poem in the "Kind of Blue" series. It's very personal, one of the more personal things I've ever written:


Blue In Green


it's all relative.
my body felt indestructible as I stood next to this feeble woman,
who sucked through plastic tubes whatever life had left to offer
and who shifted her body
from one uncomfortable position to the next,
waiting until the past met the present
in one brilliant flash. This last image is really horribly cliched. The difficulty in writing honest and raw pieces is that they're not often very good to anyone else, for the express reason that you fall into train of thought cliches. Also, the wording in this stanza gets uncomfortable a lot, as well as most of the phrasing.

maybe playing on the screens inside her eyelids
was us playing Scrabble The two "playing"s here trip it up. Lose one.
and me trying to land a triple word score with a proper noun.
"Nice try" you said
and you laughed in that sweet and honest way
that couldn't help but make me smile;
a laugh that taught me the most joyous moments
present themselves in the most modest of places,
such as a small condo
with a woman and her grandson playing a board game.
It was a laugh that got lost somewhere
in that labyrinth of tubes.
I had been looking for it
and I know it had been looking for me. This was stronger, still not as strong as it needed to be, but definitely more confident and comfortable. My heartstrings haven't been tugged yet. I'm not feeling your plight.

But when it was time for the maze to be undone,
I heard it once again,
from a mouth sealed shut and a heart silent still.
she laughed
and I knew I had to be honest with myself:

I am not strong.

I am weak.

So I'll suck whatever life has left to offer me
slowly through my nostrils.
And that's what has been missing. These last stanzas are perfect. That level of intensity and writing needs to be present throughout the whole piece.


As I said before, there is a great amount of difficulty in writing personal and honest pieces. Even the greatest writers struggle a lot. The temptation to fall into cliches and too straight forward language is massive. You're main focus should be presenting the story in such a way that the reader feels for you, conencts with the characters and situations. You need to provide an "in". Don't start with something as bland as "it's all relative" and then say you're standing powerful over a dying person. Instantly, I don't care. Present the characters first, then hit us in the face. This wasn't as good as it needed to be, which was disappointing, but it wasn't terrible.
#5
I agree with a lot of what you said especially the cliched parts in the first stanza, which I admit are extremely clumsy.

I also understand what you meant by saying that it's hard for readers to get into personal pieces and I sort of expected that upon posting this. I understand that the memory I depicted in this would not really impact anyone else and that really only I would feel anything from it.

I guess it was more of a cathartic piece, just something that needed to get off my chest when I listened to "Blue In Green". Thanks for the crit. It really helped a lot. I'll be getting to your piece shortly (I've read the previous two parts but haven't commented on them, so I'll get to this one).

Also, @AJKane and Slenmill, thanks for the kind words. I'll get to your pieces as soon as I can.
here, My Dear, here it is
#6
I dunno. This is one of my favorite songs ever and I don't think you really fell in line with it language wise. The ideas could have fit but the wording wasn't the whole swing laid back drag along melancholy tone that I was hoping for.
I think your tone is the part that slows this the most. You're syntax sounds too forced man.
the sonic aspect of this lacked the nature of the song also.
The emotion grew from a weak start and really made a powerful ending but I think the opening killed its impact.
The tone isn't natural but it's not flowing or anything interesting.
It's too wordy.
I mean you didn't really utilize language to elicit anything more than what you say directly (something that seems out of place when placed against a song like this).

I don't know. I really really like what you were going for but I don't like how you did it. It comes up way short writing wise and I think you can iron it out.

I know I'm talking in circles but I can try to explain myself better later if you want.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#7
I liked it and I can relate to it also I honestly didnt see any problems with it and this is one of the very few pieces I have read since I returned that I actually enjoyed this is an amazing piece if you dont mind could you crit my newest piece Find solace there is a link in my sig