#1
Major OTS-age. I have been suffering from mega writers block from hell, so this is the first thing I have written in about a month...c4c, etc.


From the soaring peak of his royal mountain
He glares at the world, his world.
From the lavish plush of his satin throne,
He berates his lonely world.
The king we must obey.
For he rules his world.
The king we must obey,
lest he destroy his desolate empire.


A cruel and vicious leader,
he destroys all who are inadequate.
Any who disagree with him
are, from then on, nobody
in his empty empire.

I must kill the awful king,
and slice open his black heart.
Only then will happiness course through his veins.
I must kill the horrible king,
and cut out his foul tongue.
Only then will he speak of peace.
I must kill the wretched king,
and cleave open his head.
Serenity will spill out.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#2
Quote by Ganoosh
Major OTS-age. I have been suffering from mega writers block from hell, so this is the first thing I have written in about a month...c4c, etc.


From the soaring peak of his royal mountain
He glares at the world, his world.
From the lavish plush of his satin throne,
He berates his lonely world.
The king we must obey.
For he rules his world.
The king we must obey,
lest he destroy his desolate empire.

I really enjoyed this stanza, really sets the tone for the rest of the song.


A cruel and vicious leader,
he destroys all who are inadequate.
Any who disagree with him
are, from then on, nobody
in his empty empire.


Very blunt and gritty, surprisingly so. But again, sets the tone for the last song and is practically perfect.


I must kill the awful king,
and slice open his black heart.
Only then will happiness course through his veins.
I must kill the horrible king,
and cut out his foul tongue.
Only then will he speak of peace.
I must kill the wretched king,
and cleave open his head.
Serenity will spill out.



Very brute, very blunt, and vivd. Like, my wrists hurt now. No just kidding. :P Well done i thought it was a fitting ending.

Overall I enjoyed your peice, though maybe a little less of the the "horrible king, awful king, wretched king." we get it, he isnt a nice guy.

C4C? Sig.
Too lazy to come up with a clever or relevant sig.
#3
The first stanza was OK until the last four lines which ruined it for me because of the lack of poetic language/imagery which was present in the first four lines, plus the repeat of "his world" was redundant.

The second stanza was not good. It was too forthright for the context of this poem and, again, the repeat of empty empire was redundant.

The last stanza was probably the best of this piece. The opening line completely destroyed any enthusiasm I had in finding out how it ended. Now, the last seven lines were very unique. I like the way you describe killing him and how he'd be happier afterward. It was very poetic. If you could get all the other lines up to par with the last seven, the piece would be much better.

I understand that because of your writer's block, you can't write as well, and I recommend reading some new poems and writing about anything, and I stress anything. That's what gets me out
#4
Thanks, both of you. I've taken a look at a couple pieces in your sigs.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#5
From the soaring peak of his royal mountain
He glares at the world, his world.
I already know that he owns part of this world because it's his mountain. Because of that, the repition didn't sit with me.
From the lavish plush of his satin throne,
He berates his lonely world.
The king we must obey.
a good word like 'berates' followed up in the next line by 'obey'. heh.
For he rules his world.
This I already knew. *slaps*
The king we must obey,
lest he destroy his desolate empire.
This really intrigues me. It makes me question why someone would ruin something when they have everything.

A cruel and vicious leader,
he destroys all who are inadequate.
you can come up with another destructive word. Also, "destroy" is rather vague. how is this occuring?
Any who disagree with him
are, from then on, nobody
in his empty empire.
this whole section was like butter straight from the fridge. You think it's smooth at first but it's a cold lump and doesn't even melt.

I must kill the awful king,
direct/boring statement.
and slice open his black heart.
Only then will happiness course through his veins.
I must kill the horrible king,
same
and cut out his foul tongue.
Only then will he speak of peace.
I must kill the wretched king,
same
and cleave open his head.
Serenity will spill out.

However, the repititon works well in this section.
This piece was rather lacking.
I'm sure you can read things and just say, "I don't like how this sounds."
Read your critiques. Learn From Them. Edit Your Piece. Learn From Editing.
I'll take a look at this again when you're done.



/end uber-late crit.


EDIT: also, you don't have writer's block. Bitch.
That excuse is cliche. You're being lazy. Just write.
Promises meant a lot back then.
Last edited by ninja monkey at Aug 12, 2009,
#6
Quote by ninja monkey



EDIT: also, you don't have writer's block. Bitch.
That excuse is cliche. You're being lazy. Just write.




I'm going to definitely think about making some changes. Thanks for the crit.


Anything you want me to take a look at?
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black