#1
i may aswell post another one and see what you all think

trying to wrap my mind
around this concept
its hard to find myself
outside of contempt

thoughts reign intrusive
trapping them in my head
i can say no more
the onlookers have already fled

immersed in a sea
of stagnant white eyes
peering from the flesh
i loathe and despise

let me peel back my skin
so all the world can see
the thoughts of vehemence
that lash out from me
Originally Posted by StewieSwan
schtick_bomb is actually a Tare. An evil race of aliens from the planet Nibiru who have come to fight the power of Jesus Christ.


#2
"Outside of contempt" awkward. Though a person can be held in contempt, no one is ever really 'out of' or 'outside' contempt. This isn't a strict rule of course but you're not going to find the phrase "outside of contempt" in any book/song/magazine/whatever you'd want to read.

"thoughts reign intrusive/trapping them in my head" doesn't make much sense. It can either be read that thoughts are trapping an unidentified them or an unidentified subject is trapping thoughts. Either way, unidentified is bad.

What onlookers? The previous two stanzas were about your own mental machinery, now there are onlookers?

3rd stanza doesn't make much sense but its giving off a feeling of vague misanthropy. If it means what I think it means it also doesn't jive with the first two stanzas.

4th stanza also doesn't click. In the first two stanzas you hate yourself. In the third you hate the world. So you decide to show yourself to the world? Why?

Like I said in the other song. Get specific. Add a twist.