#1
I feel the old seasons change
Yet I remain in stead
Souls reform with the sun
As leaves grow and descend

Hopes, fears rise and ebb
As wings mount snowy skies
In intertwining waves
And lithe flowers bloom in time

Time, an ocean, drawing me
In the silent starry sea
Intangible dreams and years
Blend and pervade

My mind trapped in a prison
Hands free, but body slow
Seasons shift in fluid motion
As the stellar pools still flow

I cannot escape, just
Still-life in progressing tide
The pressure cracking walls
I must leave body behind

Time, an ocean, drowning me
In the unfeeling sea
Wrecked, stranded dreams and days
Fall and twist, shattering

A verse and chorus harmony
Encircled by gentle sounds
Old papers and fresh works
Force the great walls down

Free now across the white, lined skies
The waves of ink, with speed
Scribbled stories deep in valleys
Over mountains, mind perceives

From shadows to shoulders of giants
Ringing voices drive me up
Vast stars, a god with paper eyes
Brief era of creation

I am God with pen in hand
Watching men with paper lies
Bending words to fit their souls
Spewing filth and flies

God is dead with pen in head
And men with paper fires
Thoughts drip from his specter skull
And they again conspire

Fantastic scenes, a lucid dream
A fall through ethereal skies
I have had my hand guided
By a set of ancient rhymes

The lyrics unfold a clarity
As I grasp for words or ground
A path defined by blood in line
In blinding, surreal sound


I'd appreciate any comments, corrections, problems, whatever you have to say. thanks!
#2
Quote by D&DLover
I feel the old seasons change
Yet I remain in stead - This and 4th line's rhyme seems forced
Souls reform with the sun
As leaves grow and descend

Hopes, fears rise and ebb
As wings mount snowy skies
In intertwining waves
And lithe flowers bloom in time - This stanza has great imagery

Time, an ocean, drawing me - "drawing"=drowning?
In the silent starry sea
Intangible dreams and years - more good imagery
Blend and pervade

My mind trapped in a prison
Hands free, but body slow
Seasons shift in fluid motion
As the stellar pools still flow - my favorite stanza

I cannot escape, just
Still-life in progressing tide
The pressure cracking walls
I must leave body behind

Time, an ocean, drowning me
In the unfeeling sea - this line sounds weird. i don't get "unfeeling"
Wrecked, stranded dreams and days
Fall and twist, shattering

A verse and chorus harmony
Encircled by gentle sounds
Old papers and fresh works
Force the great walls down

Free now across the white, lined skies
The waves of ink, with speed
Scribbled stories deep in valleys
Over mountains, mind perceives

From shadows to shoulders of giants
Ringing voices drive me up
Vast stars, a god with paper eyes
Brief era of creation

I am God with pen in hand
Watching men with paper lies ^v- these few stanzas are very interesting
Bending words to fit their souls
Spewing filth and flies

God is dead with pen in head
And men with paper fires
Thoughts drip from his specter skull
And they again conspire

Fantastic scenes, a lucid dream
A fall through ethereal skies
I have had my hand guided - this line sounds awkward
By a set of ancient rhymes

The lyrics unfold a clarity
As I grasp for words or ground
A path defined by blood in line
In blinding, surreal sound


Overall, I like the piece a lot. There is great imagery and an interesting choice of language. But the real meaning isn't very easy to understand, and could be made clearer. Also, keeping better consistancy with the rhyme scheme might also improve the piece.

Please crit the top link in my signature if you get the time.
Last edited by Ramblin'_Man at Aug 12, 2009,