#1
fuck it

goddamn
i feel nothing

it seems i have become so
comfortable with loss
that its curling tentacles
no longer burn my skin.

have i left a
little shadow of me somewhere
pining for a little part
of her?

my back is broken from
being her stepping stone and
i think i've run out of supplies.
i've bandaged and sewed and
ingested painkillers by the truckload
and i'm so numb i can't even recall the
taste that made me hang on for so long.
it hasn't been a day and i'm
forgetting your face, name and smile;
it's just easier that way
don't y'know?

i've been following myself around
like a blind bloodhound trapped
in an intoxicating scent;
though i knew it was
the sweet decay of death
i still couldn't sway from her call.

roadkill over easy and
even the face in my mirror is
starting to grow weary of my
self-deceit and lies.
just one more time, just one more chance,
just one more teary "i love you"
followed by a night of
steamy romance.
love you, f[b][/b][/i]uck you
hate you
you took it too far and
all you had to do,
all you ever had to do,
was say sorry

and mean it.
Last edited by kdownes at Aug 12, 2009,
#2
**** it

goddamn
i feel nothing

have i become so
comfortable with loss
that its curling tentacles
no longer burn my skin?
have i left a
little shadow of me somewhere
pining for a little part
of her?

i read this initially as 'i have' and that made it a lot more powerful... although it
probably doesn't work in context of the piece. discard that comment mebbe. i
thought the second question was much weaker... 'little' and 'pining' didn't so much say 'fragility', but more sloppy mopey-ness.


my back is broken from
being her stepping stone and
i think i've run out of supplies.
i've bandaged and sewed and
ingested painkillers by the truckload
and i'm so numb i can't even recall the
taste that made me hang on for so long.
it hasn't been a day and i'm
forgetting your face, name and smile;
it's just easier that way
don't y'know?

The stepping stone metaphor leading straight into 'run out of supplies' didn't
work for me. I had to re-read, and even then it felt very iffy. as a stanza i don't know
how powerful i find it. it feels very angsty, and i feel that if you rethought it and added a little more poeticism to it would be a lot more effective. i don't mean like,
alliteration or assonance or whatever... just something more... deep. i know you
could.


i've been following myself around
like a blind bloodhound trapped
in an intoxicating scent;
though i knew it was
the sweet decay of death
i still couldn't sway for her call.

first line doesn't lead too strongly from the last stanza, and is kinda O_o. I don't like
the last line. I think it's because I want this to be directed TO her, not... about her.
You're saying some strong, cutting stuff, but it feels diminished because you're not
addressing her.


roadkill over easy and
even the face in my mirror is
starting to grow weary of my
self-deceit and lies.
just one more time, just one more chance,
just one more teary "i love you"
followed by a night of
steamy romance.
love you, fuck you
hate you
you took it too far and
all you had to do,
all you ever had to do,
was say sorry

and mean it.


i really like this ending, but I don't think the rest of the piece warranted it. I think
more of a linear-type style would've benefited - as it is it sort of warbles a bit and
doesn't get too far.



sorry for being a negative nate-y, but i want this to work as much for me as i want you to express all the **** you've been dealt in a really effective way.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
Last edited by Snowblind 911 at Aug 12, 2009,
#3
goddamn
i feel nothing

have i become so
comfortable with loss
that its curling tentacles
no longer burn my skin?
have i left a
little shadow of me somewhere
pining for a little part
of her?
I also read the first part of "I have" rather than "Have I" and I personally think it was more effective as a statement rather than a question. Also, the second question was interesting and, if anything, it made me think. Personally, I feel that if you can write a few lines that make you stop a little bit and try to analyze them, then you've written something worthwhile. So while the second question didn't impact me hard after the first read, it has forced to go back and think about it a little harder

my back is broken from
being her stepping stone and
i think i've run out of supplies.
i've bandaged and sewed and
ingested painkillers by the truckload
and i'm so numb i can't even recall the
taste that made me hang on for so long.
it hasn't been a day and i'm
forgetting your face, name and smile;
it's just easier that way
don't y'know?
I'm a little torn with this stanza. I can see the image, and it's a good image but some of things you wrote didn't cut through me like I wished they would. Like there was so much there but not enough to really feel what you were feeling. I felt a little detached from the emotions surrounding this stanza. I have the same problem too it seems.

i've been following myself around
like a blind bloodhound trapped
in an intoxicating scent;
though i knew it was
the sweet decay of death
i still couldn't sway for her call.
This was a great stanza in my opinion. The image of a blindfolded bloodhound tracking down some scent was concrete. The last line felt a little disconnected though. I couldn't really wrapped my head around "swaying" for her call nor how it tied into the bloodhound image or "the sweet decay of death"

roadkill over easy and
even the face in my mirror is
starting to grow weary of my
self-deceit and lies.
just one more time, just one more chance,
just one more teary "i love you"
followed by a night of
steamy romance.
love you, **** you
hate you
you took it too far and
all you had to do,
all you ever had to do,
was say sorry

and mean it.
Good ending. I do think, however, that a little more poetic flare could've been used here. I think the honest and informal way you address this girl as well as the shift in p-o-v. By going from the 3rd to the 2nd person, I feel like this piece became more effective. You started to address the girl directly rather than indirectly and I think it drove the poem home


Overall, I really liked this. I could tell there was a lot of emotion around this. For the most part, I think those emotions shone through whereas they didn't in others. However, in a holistic sense, this was a great poem.
here, My Dear, here it is
#5
Subway, "for" in that "swaying" line should be "from", I only just noticed.
Dylan, I don't see how code, lack of code, or anything could effect emotion or not.
Nate, thank you. I didn't think I'd want to edit this, but maybe i'll give it a look.
#6
form function and presentation. the trinity of poetry. your choice of presentation undercuts the form and function leading me to not believe an ounce of the poem. Code shows you are in control, poem shows that you are not. I'm left confused and ambivalent.

I thought the poem itself was very good though. will hopefully come back to nitpick.
#7
ahhh. i wasn't aware of the use of code giving that feeling. get back soon dyl you owe me:P:
#8
fuck it

goddamn
i feel nothing

it seems i have become so
comfortable with loss
that its curling tentacles
no longer burn my skin.

have i left a
little shadow of me somewhere
pining for a little part
of her?
Up to this point, this all felt like a whiney teenager still sore from a break-up. Frankly, these lines were just lame. They didn't really spark anything up in me, and I find them unnecessary.

my back is broken from
being her stepping stone and
i think i've run out of supplies.
i've bandaged and sewed and
ingested painkillers by the truckload
and i'm so numb i can't even recall the
taste that made me hang on for so long.
it hasn't been a day and i'm
forgetting your face, name and smile;
it's just easier that way
don't y'know?
Much better here, though I still think the language seems a bit immature

i've been following myself around
like a blind bloodhound trapped
in an intoxicating scent;
though i knew it was
the sweet decay of death
i still couldn't sway from her call.
I'm not really seeing the point of this stanza. What are you adding by having this here ?

roadkill over easy and
even the face in my mirror is
starting to grow weary of my
self-deceit and lies.
just one more time, just one more chance,
just one more teary "i love you"
followed by a night of
steamy romance.
love you, fuck you
hate you
you took it too far and
all you had to do,
all you ever had to do,
was say sorry

and mean it.
I'm still getting a bit of that youngster taste in my mouth here. This sounds like something i would have said to a girl when i was 15. Things like "Just one more, just one more" and "all you had to do, all i had to do" type of thing. It's not particularly special. A little disappointing actually.
All in all i liked this enough.
It shows a side of you that i have yet to see, though im not sure if that's for better or worse.
I will say I didn't enjoy as much as most of your other pieces that ive read.
If you could hit Weightless Hallelujah for me, i'd really appreciate it
Last edited by greyeyedfire at Aug 13, 2009,
#10
Good emotion, really brought me in.

I could nitpick, but I won't because this is for you. You may have put it here, but this was for you and it said what it needed to. I just don't feel like me beating the hell out of this will do much for you.

I enjoyed the emotion though.
#11
I thought I should start returning some of your comments. About time I did. Anyway, this son of a bitch is dark, gritty, and I lurve it. A couple of things bugged me which have been mentioned previously so I'm not going to repeat them. Good job, kiddo.
#12
Thank you everyone.
cliche: You underestimate my mindless optimism.
zachariah: Get on MSN and talk to me, bitch
Mike: You so owe me a million

I'm gonna jump on this after school and fiddle with some things. Look out for fiddled version soon.
#13
I owe you a bunch, still

I really hated the beginning, but only because the last two stanzas were so good. The opening 'god damn it...' was just... so blunt and sounded like complaining. The tentacles image stuck out like a sore thumb and it started out really heavy. It wasn't special; it wasn't personal to you, it didn't make me feel like you were sharing anything of your own with me.

The last two stanzas, however, were just you and you alone. I could nitpick a bit but it's not really necessary. The imagery is also very well-done.


Sorry if that was a bit harsh I only do it because I respect you a lot as a writer. Ultimately, this poem is for you much more than it is for other people, and you should write whatever the hell you want however the hell you want to if it's therapeutic.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#14
yes this is good. You have invested a lot into it, I see which is good. I'm not usually one to call this out for various reasons but some of it brushes on seeming like filler and doesn't hit all that hard because there is one or two extra lines that are encapsulated by the rest of it. The opening for example gives away too much and does so in an underdeveloped way so it diminishes what follows without being all that drawing itself.
my back is broken from
being her stepping stone
is also cliche and could do with a makeover so it's not so much the amateur metaphor we've all heard before (respectfully speaking) although that stanza is my favorite part.

the next stanza seems a little detatched and it doesn't settle well with the rest.

The rest is strong and emotional and powerful. A little bit "stock" as far as the direction of it goes but it's moving and I really feel for you by the end. I just think the middle stanza and the end could do without the rest in the rest's present state. Not to say you should ditch all that cause the ideas could add a lot- I'd just try to be a little less forceful with them because as is, it lacks the punch needed to pull that off.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#15
this eschews the elegant imagery i generally find myself appreciating, but i can certainly relate to the sentiment and emotion presented. it's very angsty, in a good way, because it feels like genuine angst, which is something we can all sympathize with. i do agree with dylan about the code though, i mean, for me, code is rather obnoxious to begin with and should only be used as a necessity if the forum won't allow you to format the way you'd like to, and i also have to say the phrase, "don't y'know" was almost campy to the point of undermining the honesty of the piece. still a pretty decent read though.