#1
There’s a place I know
Where the beaten dogs go
All the mangy curs
All the old and slow
The beaten and the starved
The weak and scarred
Punished by their masters
‘Til they lost all heart
Down there they go
Down there they go
They forget their own needs
They only seek to serve
Hoping that someday
They will get what they deserve
A reward for their kindness
A reward for their faith
For constantly pleasing others
While they faded to wraiths
Down there they go
Down there they go
Their desires left ignored
Out of selfishness and greed
Their masters forgetting
That they too have needs
Down there they go
Down there they go
Taking with them their aspirations
Their suppressed dreams and expectations
They face death happily
Knowing it's their master’s intention
Down the well they go
Down the well they go


c4c
ಠ_ಠ
<|>
/ω\



Tell me what nation on this earth, was not born of tragedy-Primordial
Last edited by Eggmond at Aug 14, 2009,
#5
thanks for the feedback
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<|>
/ω\



Tell me what nation on this earth, was not born of tragedy-Primordial
#7
I liked this. The repition works well because the parts inbetween vary enough. The rhyme of serve and deserve was a notable weak point - the words are just too similar, and i think it sounded forced:

"Taking with them their aspirations
Their suppressed dreams and expectations"

Those lines are absolutely fantastic^^

Anyway, overall a very strong piece. Just that one rhyme i pointed out as a weak point
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