#1
The news came through on the radio first,
then slowly, station by station, on the TV.
People all over the world were weeping,
distraught, as if they'd lost the love of their lives.
The whole planet stopped in its tracks
as businesses closed and workers sent home.
Incredulity was duly followed by shock and anger.
Everywhere, people were hurling themselves from buildings,
jumping under trains or shooting themselves,
all the while the news playing on a loop,
God is dead.

The stock markets froze as they began to crash.
Congregations of worshipers, numbering billions,
lined the streets and met in squares,
united against this most sad news.
Times Square was full of the mourning,
the concrete beneath their feet moist.
Trafalgar Square was the same.
All major population centres were at a standstill,
people evacuating vehicles, leaving them stranded,
empty caskets devoid of intelligible life.
God is dead.

The sarcophagus was transported through cities,
with people desperately trying to touch it,
as if by some miracle, their touch alone
would revive the one person who should never need it.
Millions died in the ensuing stampedes,
all just to get a closer look at the unbelievable.
More news reports, this time so-called experts
trying to estimate the death toll from the news.
Most said hundreds of millions,
some went out on a limb and proclaimed billions.
It doesn't really matter how many people died,
God is dead.

Darkness overcame the planet with people
so downhearted and afraid, they were scared
to even switch on a light. Thousands starved.
Political enemies came together and embraced one another
as the world, sitting in dark rooms
staring at the flickering, grainy pictures,
were so moved by the sights they saw,
they went round to their neighbours
and became greater friends than they ever had thought possible.
Wars disappeared and money became worthless.
Governments vanished and borders went with them.
Everyone who was left came to terms in time.
God is dead.
#3


Mmm. Very good. Nothing worth nitpicking at.
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#5
The one thing I didn't like about this was the second last line. It didn't fit in. Throughout the whole piece you were being so descriptive with everything and then you get there and it seems like you just got tired of describing things so you tried to sum up everything else you may have wanted to say in that one line. It was too abrupt and kind of came out of nowhere. I know that you have to draw the end somewhere, but that to me didn't feel like the right way to do it. Looking at it again, it might not be the line itself, but the placement of it. Putting it directly at the end is what makes it seem like a sort of cop-out shortcut line.

Those are just my thoughts if they make any sense.

Otherwise I thought this was great Mike.

#6
I agree with bassbeat.

and too, I also think the ending was a nice touch, unexpected.
Lord Gold feeds from your orifices and he wants to see you sweat.
Lord Gold probes you publicly and makes your pussy wet.
Now say his name.....
#7
it doesn't seem to have that poetic flow . . . ie: no rhyming.

but other than my super rhyming OCD this is an incredible piece, very deep and meaningful
Quote by Steve46
thanks alot ice condition!! your the breast!


The best bosom in all of UG.
#8
I like the whole point of the piece as well as the description and imagery.. It's a great piece of writing. The last part was genious, but I would've done it differently myself. This and a writing that I just posted (my first post in fact) are very similar, but completely different at the same time. Anyways, on the other hand, I'm not sure how the music goes to this, but to an extent I think some of it could be shaped to flow a little better. Maybe just my opinion. Expression is key though, and I like the way it all came across.

C4C?


https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1181580
"We programmed in death...A thousand needles lie here to inject their lies."
#9
The second to last line will be the running point for the second part, so this is far from the end. This'll end up being a four or five part poem, I've yet to see where I can find a concrete ending. Hell, I might just leave it open, I don't know yet.

There's no rhyming because I hate it. It's constrictive and yes, it may look and sound better, but for me the writer, it's annoying as all hell trying to find a rhyme for building or moist. Hoist? Where the hell's that going to fit in?

There is no music to go along with this. I used to put at the beginning of the post whether it was a song or poem but I stopped posting song lyrics a couple of years ago and never thought I'd need it again. Balls.

For anyone who may have been slightly disappointed at the lack of murderings and cannibalism and the like, just wait.
#11
I found this to be disappointing. I had expected that you were using God throughout as a metaphor for something nonreligious...but instead made the entirely predictable, and ridiculously fallacious, claim that in the absence of religion humanity will experience utopia.

Not that I care to argue here, but I disagree. I think you'll find that your resentment is ill placed, and that antihumanism is much closer to delivering you your fairy tale...as ironic as it will then be.
Last edited by denizenz at Aug 14, 2009,
#12
^I don't necessarily agree with the sentiments of the poem either, but it's a piece of creative writing and that's how it should be viewed. He's not trying to preach to us. If you don't agree with what it's saying that's fine, but if you're going to be critical then your comment should be in regards to the quality of the writing, not whether you believe in the topic or not.

Just sayin...


Sorry for replying to that for you Mikey
#13
I expressed that I thought it was cliche, but that I was expecting it (or wishing it) to not be. In addition, it's one thing to disagree and quite another to state that the conclusion reached is illogical or false. I wasn't giving an opinion...truth isn't a matter of personal preference.
#15
There's no rhyming because I hate it. It's constrictive and yes, it may look and sound better, but for me the writer, it's annoying as all hell trying to find a rhyme for building or moist. Hoist? Where the hell's that going to fit in?


honestly, i'd say this is what the difference between a good songwriter & a not so good songwriter is. (not saying i'm a good songwriter or anything, personally i think i suck )

you just have to think out of the box, really, in this case, you could have:


The stock markets froze as they began to crash
Congregations of worshipers, actions became rash
lined the streets and met in crowded squares
united, the few who still care
Times Square was full of the mourning
the meeting beneath their feet adjourning
the rest of the world was no different
All major population centres had ceased within it
people evacuating vehicles, leaving them astrife
empty caskets devoid of intelligible life
God is dead


and if you REALLY can't think of a rhyme, you could always just change the line, or how the line is, or whatever,


hope i helped a bit
Quote by Steve46
thanks alot ice condition!! your the breast!


The best bosom in all of UG.
#17
i'm sure, although that was the point i was trying to make, it's not hard to make things rhyme.


but nonetheless, i have no room to talk, it's his style not mine.
Quote by Steve46
thanks alot ice condition!! your the breast!


The best bosom in all of UG.
#18
Quote by punkforlife93
I hate to be mean to you, and I like a good rhyme every now and then, but I found that forced and annoying.


Which is exactly why I didn't use rhyming, especially in a piece such as this where it's just not needed. Any rhyming I use, I use it sparingly and where necessary.

As for the little tiff we have seem to have had, the point I'm making here is not whether or not we could find Utopia (which I never mentioned nor alluded to as far as I'm aware now, reading it through or during the writing process). Humanity wouldn't necessarily be any better for itself if religion were to disappear magically one day, but don't you agree that the (allusion of a?) downfall of humanity we have seen in the past thousand years or so been in some way connected to religions, especially the tensions between them? Or it may be so that religion has strengthened us, taken us through difficult periods by having something to believe in. I don't know, I'm neither a religious expert nor a philosopher, but you have your opinions and I have mine, That's what makes us unique. What I'm hypothesizing here is if people were given one solid piece of evidence of God's existence, and that was His corpse, surely the entire fabric of what we know and do would come into question, and result in a scenario such as this? I'm not strictly saying that hundreds of million, or indeed billions are going to die because of it, that's bordering on the preposterous, but what if?

A lot of writers use an alternate history to create pieces of work which didn't actually happen or would've happened if a certain story in history came out differently. What this could be seen as is an alternate future. We may never find proof that God exists, but what if we did? That is what I'm trying to convey. I agree that the idea of God used literally as God is cliché, but I hope the thought processes involved weren't. It's a convoluted explanation but I hope it clarifies, even if just a little, of what I'm trying to convey.

Remember above all else, they're just words on a screen, come together to create a work of fiction.