#1
Checking his dogtags for a stolen identity,
he flips off the safety, but who's the real enemy?
His brother beside him, but no blood to bind
puts his memories in the barrel, he's not the marrying kind.

Fighting from his desk, each keystroke a blast,
profiteering off bombs dropped in the past
The siren wails, but no danger's erupting
he just pulled the alarm to empty the building.

Blue strolls in with an air of cogent abuse,
cuffs rusted and bent in a state of misuse
Packin' heat that burns a hole in his holster,
pocketing the cash he stole from his pollster.

Intelligence work just another smoke aegis,
Yellow cake weapons? Your claims are baseless.
Emotions on high and moral on low,
just waiting for the next body-blow.

Once again, more rappish lyrics, think RATM.

I think I'll add a few more stanzas here and there, especially a different last stanza.

C4C, as always
Quote by Ur all $h1t
I stick stuff in my pee hole.

Gear:

Schecter C-1 Classic
Ibanez S670PB
Stratocaster MIM Standard
Marshall MG30 (its purple )
Dunlop Crybaby Wah
Last edited by Wulphy at Aug 12, 2009,
#2
Quote by Wulphy
Checking his dogtags for a stolen identity,
he flips off the safety, but who's the real enemy?
His brother beside him, but no blood to bind - Alliteration....not sure if it works or not. Sounds weird.
puts his memories in the barrel, he's not the marrying kind.

Fighting from his desk, each keystroke a blast,
profiteering off bombs dropped in the past
The siren wails, but no danger's erupting
he just pulled the alarm to empty the building. - You're going along with your rhyme scheme, and then you throw building in there. You need to either find a word that rhymes, or completely rewrite this stanza.

Blue strolls in with an air of cogent abuse,
cuffs rusted and bent in a state of misuse
Packin' heat that burns a hole in his holster,
pocketing the cash he stole from his pollster. - Loved the rhyming in these last two lines.

Intelligence work just another smoke aegis,
Yellow cake weapons? Your claims are baseless.
Emotions on high and moral on low,
just waiting for the next body-blow.

Once again, more rappish lyrics, think RATM.

I think I'll add a few more stanzas here and there, especially a different last stanza.

C4C, as always



Since you said think RATM, I imagined de la Roche singing this, and it sounded kind of corny to me, at least in my head. The way it flows is kind of nursery-rhymish. Also, if you are going to write rap-esque lyrics, try using more multisyllabic rhymes and more complex rhyme schemes. It will make it sound much, much better when it is sung/rapped.
If you could find the time,
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1180920


Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
Quote by Ganoosh
Since you said think RATM, I imagined de la Roche singing this, and it sounded kind of corny to me, at least in my head. The way it flows is kind of nursery-rhymish. Also, if you are going to write rap-esque lyrics, try using more multisyllabic rhymes and more complex rhyme schemes. It will make it sound much, much better when it is sung/rapped.
If you could find the time,
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1180920




Thanks for the crit, man, I'll get right on yours.

Faulty rhyme schemes is what happens when you write while playing far cry 2,
Quote by Ur all $h1t
I stick stuff in my pee hole.

Gear:

Schecter C-1 Classic
Ibanez S670PB
Stratocaster MIM Standard
Marshall MG30 (its purple )
Dunlop Crybaby Wah
#4
The style really fits what you're saying, and I'm impressed with how well the rhymes work; it didn't seem like any were forced and it flows well. It's refreshing to see a piece that isn't about love or loneliness or everything else S&L is inspired by.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#5
Quote by vintage x metal
The style really fits what you're saying, and I'm impressed with how well the rhymes work; it didn't seem like any were forced and it flows well. It's refreshing to see a piece that isn't about love or loneliness or everything else S&L is inspired by.


Thanks

I haven't seen you around these parts lately, it's nice to see your name floating around.

Anything you want me to check out?
Quote by Ur all $h1t
I stick stuff in my pee hole.

Gear:

Schecter C-1 Classic
Ibanez S670PB
Stratocaster MIM Standard
Marshall MG30 (its purple )
Dunlop Crybaby Wah
#6
Thanks haha. I haven't really felt compelled to write lately, but I want to start commenting again and contribute somewhat. You really don't have to return the crit, but if you need to kill some time, I wrote this earlier today:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1182704
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja